A Home For Haven

Future?

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:15:00 +0000

If Duc and I had an anthem it would be this song, Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours". As I've said before, I felt Duc presence long before I ever saw his photo or held him and this song became my mantra and every time the lyric "It's our God forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved" played I would tear up. I do prefer his live version because he has since changed it to God-given right which sounds much better.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Thankfully, Duc loves this song. It was one of the first I played for him and every time he hears it on the radio a peaceful expression takes over his face and he grooves to the music.

I found this video today and I have to admit, the boy looks like an older version of Duc! Given the number of times Duc has heard the song I'm sure he will be able to play it before much longer, AND he will know the words!

“At this very moment one year ago…”

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:31:00 +0000

I have begun many a sentences this week with this opener. It was been such an emotional week for me and I have shared it with family, friends, co-workers and strangers alike. You see, I am extremely grateful for this day. It was exactly 52 weeks ago today that Duc and I became a family (although if you are truly a technical person, we met on December 18th and our adoption was completed on December 19th, but for me, that Friday was it).

Words can not describe how grateful I am. Grateful for the opportunity to be his mother, grateful to the woman who gave birth to him, grateful to Vietnam and the orphanage that took care of him. Grateful.

Friday, December 18, 2008 Making it official at our Giving & Receiving Ceremony

Later at the hotel getting to know each other.

My post from last year:

We arrived last night. Our flight was delayed by over an hour because someone had a late connecting flight. I think Korean Air is the best airline in the world! No kidding–I watched 3 recent released Hollywood movies during the flight and slept the remaining, oh, 18 hours. I also slept last night after getting settled in.

But that isn’t why you are reading, you want baby news, right? Well, at 2:45 pm my life was forever changed. It was quite the experience. We are staying at a really nice resort and less than a mile turned off the road onto some rickety looking lane. We turned once or twice more and drove up to his orphanage. The road leading to his orphanage was very narrow and the road had lots of broken bricks and was very rough. The level of poverty here is unimaginable. It is truly heartbreaking, but that is a post for another time.

We arrived at the orphanage and the very first room we entered is the baby room and his crib was just a few down from the door. When I first found him he was kind of crying and looking upset. As soon as I picked him up everything changed. He put his hands on both sides of my face, patted my cheeks and began smiling and laughing. The moment could not have been more perfect. He is very bright, very alert. He LOVES to be held, loves to cuddle, loves to be tickled. He sits up really well and the nanny attempted to show off his crawling skills by taking the toy I had brought and tossing it 18-24 feet away. The little guy hustled right over to it and picked up his book again! He can push his butt in the air with his feet and hands on the ground. The nanny would show off his balance by standing him up, letting go, and catching him as he began to fall. He will be a little dare baby! He loves to be fake dropped–like a roller coaster. He is very quiet, but if you really get him tickled he will laugh. When the nannies would take him from me or when our guide took him for his passport photo he would reach for me and try to find me. Even when Oma was holding him he seemed to know that I was mama. I’d heard that they know that somehow and always thought it sounded silly, but I am beginning to think that they do indeed know.

It was a beautiful moment, a beautiful day. As I told my mom, he is heaven on earth.

This afternoon my mom and I had a few minutes together as Duc woke up slowly against my shoulder shaking the afternoon sleep off of him. She told me she had watched the local religious station most of the day and several verses stuck out to her. She had plenty of time to reflect on the last year and the miracle of it all. I still view Duc as my miracle child and as I reminded my mother that we were within one DAY of never knowing him. I cried. I can’t NOT cry when I think of how close we were.

About a month ago I ran into a former colleague in the hospital cafe. She, like most people that know our story, asked about him and I was more than happy to share all the great things that he is doing. She smiled at me and said, “every time I ask about him your face just brightens up and you can’t stop smiling.” I hadn’t realized that, but I believe she is right. And there are also many times that my eyes mist with tears as I talk about him because I am ALWAYS aware of how fortunate I am to know him.

Happy one year together, baby. Everyday you are my little piece of heaven on earth.

Boobies

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:05:00 +0000

I’m not sure what other moms do, but bath time always creates a little stress for me. If I shower while he is napping he will wake up early and demand attention. But if I do it while he is awake I have few options:

Shower with him
Place him in a jumperoo that he outgrew many many months ago and hope he doesn’t flip it
Let him wander around my bathroom

Showering with him is a hassle. He wants me to hold him the entire time and as most of you know, wet babies are slicker than snot. We are an accident waiting to happen. Last weekend I left him free to wander the bathroom and you can see the destruction in the picture above. He dumped the trash can’s contents all over the floor.

So, yesterday I put him in the jumperoo and he had to watch me towel off. As I was leaning over he poked my breast and said “boobie!”. Yes, my precocious child learned what boobies are before learning where his nose, ears and eyes are. Needless to say, I taught him about noses, ears and eyes in the event he says it at daycare. I don’t want people thinking it is the only body part he knows!

I don’t often talk about Duc’s development for a number of reasons. I decided long before I became a parent that I was never going to compare him to any other child. I wanted him to be his own person and not feel he needs to stack up to what little Timmy is doing. While I am proud of all his accomplishments, it does not impact me as a person or his mother. These are his accomplishments. Having said all that, I’ve known from the beginning that he was advanced for his age and the longer I am a mother and more I am around children his age or younger I realize just how advanced he is. Developmentally he is at the level of a 3 year-old child which is twice is biological age. Lately it is becoming more and more apparent. I see him around children in his class or with other children and I realize that being locked out of the house (see my last post) is only the tip of the iceberg. I really need to stay ahead of him and I think that will prove challenging to do.

This is an emotional week for me. I can barely comprehend that it has been a year, a year, since Duc entered my life. Fifty-two weeks ago on this very day I was nervously packed. Michael offered to take me to my sister’s house since she lives near the airport we were leaving from. We left earlier than planned because an ice storm had hit and he was worried we wouldn’t be able to get out if we left later. We stopped for lunch at Long John Silver’s (there is a joke there that I’m not going to both explaining, but it has sentimental value to me) and I remember thinking that this would be my last meal out before becoming a mom.

I barely slept that night. We had to be up at 4 am because we had an early flight, but it didn’t matter. I flopped around on my sister’s couch counting the hours. Literally, every hour or so I was refreshing the count in my head. 96 hours…94….82….and so on.

Wow, I never could have pictured this a year ago. I never could have hoped for anyone better than Duc. We have been blessed.

Baby Mama Drama

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 04:09:00 +0000

I knew when I saw the scene above that we were in trouble. This was on Monday. On Tuesday night he insisted on sleeping with me. In fact, when I finally consented and started to put him in my bed he nearly cheered. You see, we are not one of those families that co-sleep. Before Duc, I was all for it. After I spent our first night co-sleeping in DaNang, and especially when I attempted it once we returned home I knew it was never going to work.

So Tuesday night we co-slept for the first time in nearly a year. He was happy, but it didn’t help his cough and congestion one bit. He didn’t get better and he didn’t get worse.

Until this morning. He woke up screaming. For those of you that don’t know him, Duc is not a screamer or a crier. He screamed and big wet tears slipped down his purplish-red cheeks. He writhed around arching his back and kicking. He wouldn’t let me hold him or comfort him and it brought back the feeling of absolute powerlessness that I first experienced before we left HaNoi and our first few days home before I knew just how sick he was.

I was finally able to pour some Motrin down his throat in between screams and ultimately decided to call the doctor when the screams didn’t abate.

Double ear infections. I suppose we have been lucky that this is the first time he has suffered this. I mentioned to the doctor that we have had to deal with all kinds of funky illnesses that most kids never have or never have this young and now all the routine toddler crap begins.

If this morning wasn’t traumatic enough, this afternoon got worse. Sometimes I marvel at how much Duc has grown and changed and advanced these last few weeks and months. Truly amazing. Until your kid locks you out of the house. I stepped out to retrieve the grill cover that had blown off. I intentionally left the sliding glass door open so Duc could still hear me. When I looked back at the house I discovered he figured out how to get the door shut (it’s a really heavy door! Even I have trouble making sure I get it shut just right to lock it) and locked. I was locked out of the house while wearing only flip-flops, t-shirt and pajama bottoms in 30* weather. No cell phone and no key.

Honestly, I really wanted to cry. I didn’t, but I wanted to. I kept hoping he would figure out how to unlock the door, but no such luck. I went to a few neighbors’ houses and no one was home. I finally went to the neighbor’s house that I often have issues with and I am glad I did. I was able to call Michael and in the meantime my neighbor loaned me her coat and some socks. I went back to the door and stood there talking to Duc. He kept saying “mommy"!” and reaching for me…it was so hard. He went in the other room and gathered his blanky. He came back to the door, laid down with his hand against the door. Michael finally arrived and was able to get me back into the house. I’ve been concerned about Duc getting out, but I never really considered he might lock me out.

(through yet another door)

Friends

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:36:00 +0000

I think this is one of my favorite photos from our day with Aiden and Ellie. You have to keep in mind, the littles had not had naps OR had a lunch. You can imagine how much fun the mommies had! Is it just me or is Aiden a little poser? Looks like he is used to having his picture taken!

I love this picture of Aiden. Look at the sweet expression on his face.

Miss Ellie isn’t too shy either.

I will never get tired of peek-a-boo. This is my favorite game ever!

We had a blast hanging out with our friends, but Duc was totally WOUND up the rest of the day. The little stinker slept for only TWENTY MINUTES the rest of the day.

Hopefully we can get together again really soon ladies and next time I will get my camera out a little bit more!

Sentimental

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:04:00 +0000

I’ve been feeling rather sentimental lately. I have been working on a couple of projects which have kept me from much computer time, and especially from blogging, but they have allowed me some time to reflect on the last year. It was a year ago Thursday that I learned that I finally had travel arrangements. The joy of hearing that was overwhelming. I attached a sign to my door at work with a photo of a jet in flight with a post-it note of how many days remaining until travel. I was so excited and scared and overwhelmed and that feeling didn’t disappear until I finally held my son.

I can’t believe I have been a mother for nearly a year. The things that I thought would make me crazy, haven’t fazed me a bit, and the things I never expected take my breath away. On Friday evening I finally got a night out. Michael and I dropped him off at my friend Laura’s house. I could tell he was unsure. He looked around, the expression on his face tugged at my heart and I told Michael later that if he had cried I would never have been able to leave.

I’ve been looking at photos from last year in Vietnam. It saddens me that it has already been a year because it still feels like yesterday, despite how much he is growing.

This photo was taken the day after our G&R. I will be forever grateful to Chennie for being there that week to record those first moments. I wish we had the opportunity to see her more frequently! When Duc met me for the first time, he placed his chubby little hands on each of my cheeks and held my face and giggled. Those first few days together he would just stare at me and I knew he was memorizing my face, “imprinting” as my mother said. Even now he still holds my face like this when he wants to tell me something important (well, important in his mind, I still can’t understand half of what he says).

Thankful

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:03:00 +0000

I have so many reasons to be thankful this year. Two years ago I had just begun the dossier prep once again and the process was even more arduous than the previous year. Last year, I had a referral for a BIG, beautiful boy and I had finally hit the point where I was miserable from waiting. I was rather patient, really I was. I didn’t stress over it until I learned that our travel was being pushed out and they weren’t sure when we would travel. At that point (around Thanksgiving) I was quite miserable so this Thanksgiving feels remarkably blessed. So, I thought I would spell out what I am thankful for.

A-adoption. Do I need to say more?

B-Becky Fawcett from HelpUsAdopt.org for all she did to make this year so memorable. She gave us a sizeable grant that helped create our family and chose us to tell our story nationally on The Today Show. (see the media tab above if interested in watching our video).

C-Canon. Yep, I love ‘em.

D-Duc. What did you think I was going to write?

E-Early bed times

F-Friends and Family. Thank God.

G-Good times.

H-Health. I love the times that we are healthy and long for it when we aren’t.

I-Icky hands. Seriously, it is gross, but I love it when he reaches for me with food covered fingers.

J-Jerri. AKA Aunt Jerri.

K-Kristen and Catherine for giving us extended family that get it. They truly do.

L-Love

M-My mother.

N-Nap time. For both of us.

O-Oh no! I love it when I hear those words out of his mouth.

P-Pancakes. Honestly, this kid can put them away.

Q-Quiet time. We both need it from time to time.

R-Running naked. Not me. Him. There is a pure joy when he scurries away from me sans diaper and runs shrieking with joy down the hallway with his arms up like you would see among runners crossing the finish line.

S-Spring Rolls. I ate way too many for T-day

T-Time. I cherish the moments we spend together.

U-Unbelievable moments.

V-Vietnam. Forever.

W-Wa-wa. I love to listen to my son ask for water. It makes my heart smile.

X-XOXO

Y-YMCA. I don’t get to visit as often as I want, but when I do I enjoy it and enjoy playing b-ball with my boy.

Z-Zoo time.

And now for some Thanksgiving Day photos!

These are bar chairs. I have to hike myself up to get up on them and yet he will pull himself all the way up in no time at all.

Oh my, I ate way too many spring rolls. Thankfully they are healthy.

A boy’s life

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:03:00 +0000

Last week I visited Wal-Mart (a rarity for good reason) and a woman working at the store sneered at him. So he sneered back and it looked something like this.

Waiting for the pancakes to finish cooking.

Playtime in the window.

And, yes, he is giving you the bird.

Subway. Despite the face he is making he did eat ALL the ham on his sandwich.

Lowe’s. Checking out the overhead fans.

It was a very good day.

A is for Adoption

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 01:25:00 +0000

Yesterday was National Adoption Day and while I forgot it and did not commemorate it in any way, I did take note of adoption. Actually, it has been on my mind a lot lately since we are coming up on nearly a year as a family. Suddenly, everywhere I look I can see adoption. Just this week I had a photo shoot with an adult trans-racial adoptee, today at Lowe's I met a woman who had two domestically adopted children, and while scouting areas for future I was at an abandoned build site and ran into some people while there. The gentleman asked Duc's ethnicity and I told him he was bi-racial (Vietnamese/Chinese--long story that I haven't gotten around to posting). The man, who appeared to be in late 40s or early, mid-50s volunteered that he was adopted from Korea at age 5.

In my own neighborhood I am surrounded my adoption. My next door neighbor, now a woman in her late 80s has 2 children adopted domestically. A lesbian couple down the road have at least one domestically adopted child, the married couple down the road and the the divorced woman living in the condos a stone's throw away all have adopted children.

Occasionally I will be out around town and I will get a knowing look from another parent and I can see it in their eyes, an unspoken understanding. Something about the way they look at their child or squeeze their shoulder, and I know, they get it. We are all connected.

Berta the Beast

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 03:00:00 +0000

I’ve felt rather apathetic lately. With my photography, with my work, with my personal appearance. There is nothing wrong at home—Duc and I are as happy (and healthy!) as we have ever been, but something has been off for a while. It wasn’t something I could really put my finger on, no immediate causative agent, but the tide has finally begun to change. Such small things have given way to some significant changes and life, although good before, is beginning to taste even richer.

I’ve known for a while I needed to upgrade my camera. I was planning on waiting until my next tax return since I knew I would be able to take advantage of the tax credit, but I honestly couldn’t wait any longer. This has been a big cause of my frustration—I was limited. I had taken my poor little camera as far as I could go. In the last week there have been some things that made me realize I need to upgrade and upgrade NOW. So, I blew the dust off some money I had stashed years ago and used my mad money. And it was worth every single penny.

While I did not win the contest I mentioned in my last post, I did win the free Pro SmugMug account so I will now be able to link this gallery to my photography site and set my prices directly on SmugMug. Honestly, this is an incredible prize and this was yet another reason for me to realize I needed to get my butt in gear. The only thing holding me back (besides outgrowing my camera) was me.

I have been a mother for nearly a year now and while I have LOVED nearly every single minute of it, I know that pieces of me were disappearing, namely the feeling of being a woman. I have been devoted completely and entirely to him and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I stopped doing my hair, putting on my lipstick and began wearing far more elastic waist pants than I ever would have imagined. So, slowly and gradually I am trying to add pieces back in that make me look good and feel better about myself.

So, life is good and getting better.

And here are some photos I took with Berta (the name of my new camera). These photos are completely untouched—this camera absolutely blow my socks off.

A little mini-session with my youngest niece.

Saige gets really involved with her TV shows.

Duc and Opa sharing a story.

Begging for your vote!

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:41:00 +0000

Ok, normally I consider myself above begging, but not today! I just learned this evening that I am one of 10 finalists that have the opportunity to win free photography website customization AND an online professional gallery to show my clients their photos. I hope you will consider voting for me. You can vote here. My name is Erica and I am listed as #5.

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:44:00 +0000

Last week my mother was over helping out. It wasn’t even 7 pm, but we were all spent and piled on one end of the couch. Duc lay between us, his head in my lap and his feet in her’s. We began to have a conversation that we have had several times before in a number of different variations. Usually it begins wih “can you believe this almost didn’t happened?” with a knowing look in Duc’s direction. No, I can’t imagine never knowing or loving him I often say. My life was good before. I really didn’t feel anything was missing. Until I met him.

This time the conversation began from her perspective. “I would have been ok with not having children or grandchildren. I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. But after you girls arrived and the grandchildren arrived…well, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

She continued, “Your life was fine before Duc, but look at how much joy he has brought this family. He is such a happy, cheerful child. He hasn’t had any attachment issues so far, he bonded easily and quickly with you and is such a joy to be around. I wonder if the other families we traveled with feel the same way we do. I sure hope so.”

As she spoke my eyes teared up and when I opened my mouth to speak my voice cracked with emotion. I began blubbering huge achy tears as I told her that I am grateful to be his mother every single day. He has made me that happy. Even on the days where I feel extremely challenged I still go to bed grateful that I got to be the one he challenged.

I think about how close I came to not being his mother—both the extrinsic and intrinsic factors that almost lead to…well, not this. I thought about how afraid I was to become a mother, especially a single mother, and especially to a son whose gender feels so foreign from my own. I thought about all the external obstacles—money and delays with my dossier. And I thought of the biggest obstacle of all—my faith. Struggling with how I could believe I would receive a referral when so many others had been waiting far longer than I had. I am a big fan of fair and making things as fair as possible and this wasn’t fair. Knowing the day my son was born and where, but marching ever closer to September without knowing if our match would ever come to fruition.

When I heard other parents say it, I never understood how the love could grow deeper and more intensely the longer you mothered your child. I thought love was just love, until I met Duc. I finally understood that my love for him is like a well watered plant. It grows bigger and the roots spread further and deeper with each passing day and week.

Perhaps it is for all these reasons that I find my heart seizing up as I try to picture my life without Duc. Before meeting him it would have been infinitely easier, but now? For me, knowing him for one day was to love him the rest of my days.

I hope I never have to live a day without him in my life. The very thought causes such intense feelings of grief and anxiety I can hardly stand to consider what my life would be like. Maybe that’s because the events that lead to our family were such traumatic times, for both of us. Or perhaps it is a reflection on my own childhood and all the early losses or near losses I suffered. Or, maybe it is simply being a mother. Perhaps my feelings are like so many unspoken rules of motherhood and until you get your entrance ticket stamped you can never understand.

So, I hold my baby every chance I get. Since he has been sick he has been falling asleep much earlier in the evening than he normally does. I’ve carried him in from the car asleep, picked him up off my feet or his blankey a sleep. Instead of putting him down in bed and getting on with my evening, I hold him. I watch his little face relax in a mask of sleep and I savor every minute.

Sunday Morning Traditions

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:39:00 +0000

Apparently we’ve been sick. I say apparently because I thought we were sick, but then we got sicker and I felt like those earlier times were the good ‘ole days. We are both on antibiotics now (first time we’ve ever been on them at the same time) and we are finally feeling better. There were so many things I wanted to post about that I was never able to sit down and type up my thoughts. Too tired, too sick, little one sleeping in the crook of my arm or nestled into my armpit. Not a whole lot of “me” time.

Today we were able to return to some traditions. I love traditions and I look forward to implementing more as Duc gets older and as we (hopefully) gain a sister.

Bringing blankey into the kitchen while he waits for the pancakes to cook.

This would be one of his begging expressions.

So, so close.

Success! Did I mention that Duc loves to dip his food? I figured this out when we were on vacation last month and he dipped a corn dog in chocolate pudding! So, so gross. At least applesauce is healthy.

Happy boy.

Yum.

This would be the charming new talent that Opa taught him on vacation. “See food!” He mushes it up and then tries to stick his tongue out with the food still sticking. Somedays he is more successful than others.

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:36:00 +0000

I remember reading an article that a woman had written about keeping her bedroom, the room she shared with her spouse, kid-free. I remember thinking “how hard can it be?” Now I wonder “why bother?”

When Duc first came home I thought I should keep a space for myself, as if I would lose myself as a woman if I let him take over my space. Before he came home I used to worry about forgetting him in the car or leaving him at daycare after getting off of work.

Funny thing is, I didn’t lose myself in motherhood. I gave myself up freely. And I haven’t left him in the car or forgotten him anywhere. I’m happy when I am with him and I miss him when he is gone. He has left his dirty fingerprints all over my house and all over my soul. He is the best medicine I could have ever hoped for.

Yesterday I didn’t get off work until 7 am when I was supposed to get off at 3 am. I hadn’t slept in over 24hrs, and this was after several nights of fitful sleep. When I finally woke up yesterday I felt like hell. I was beyond grumpy and my whole body hurt. Mom returned Duc around 4:30 pm and the little things began to upset me to the point that I actually thought I was going to cry. I excused myself so I could spend a couple of minutes of quiet time in my room. I looked around my bedroom and the evidence of him was everywhere. A clean sock stuck to my bedspread (I had found it stuck to my butt on the inside of my pants the day before), a pacifier on the floor, a wayward toy tucked into one of my shoes and within a few minutes I heard a little giggle and a rustling at the door.

He wasn’t trying to make me feel better. He just did. And I don’t mind the little fingerprints or the trail of toddler debris that he left throughout my room.

And on his 500th day…

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 11:36:00 +0000

Duc discovered the word NO. To be clear, this is actually his impersonation of a kid in his daycare class. It absolutely cracks me up!

And a little video tutorial and how we say NO.

Miss you

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 03:22:00 +0000

I miss my baby. I have to work tonight and I obviously couldn’t leave my baby unattended or take him to work with me for a couple of hours (daylight savings time is a real bear) so Oma and Opa have him for the night and most of tomorrow. It feels odd to be in our home—a home that he fills up with his presence. It feels strangely empty in here. I don’t think I have have been home when he hasn’t also been here.

We didn’t have the opportunity to trick or treat tonight, but Duc did dress up!

He is a dragon…or a dinosaur. I can’t quite figure it out.

I love that dimple.

Even a dragon/dinosaur needs a lift every once in a while.

Boy Joy

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:04:00 +0000

Growing up if you had asked me if I had wanted to have boys or girls I would have told you, two girls and one boy. As a woman I can’t help but desire to have a daughter. I look forward to tea parties with dolls, hair braiding and tutus. Oh, how I want to see tutus! Why one boy? Why not? I don’t have any brothers and we didn’t live close to my male cousins. Boys were (and still mostly are) completely foreign to me, but I am learning. I am not one of the women that my mother frequently laments about hating my own gender and wanting only boys. Personally, I have never understood how a woman wouldn’t want to have a daughter.

But I have learned a lot about boys in the last year, well, at least this boy. I know all his tickle spots and I know that if I look at him just right he will begin to giggle uncontrollably. I know that when he gives me a particular impish smile I know he is about to do something extremely naughty and extremely funny. Tonight he laid on the couch, head in my lap as I caressed his head. I knew he was almost asleep. I could feel his body relax and his breathing began to slow. Until I began to giggle and his little head began to bounce up and down on my round belly. I couldn’t help myself, I was just so tickled and a few seconds later Duc began laughing too. He rolled his little head back so he could look at my face while he laughed, but he laughed. And the beauty of it brought tears to my eyes and we laughed some more.

While Duc and I bonded and attached surprisingly easy and fast, I have noticed a change in the last few weeks. It seems deeper and more intimate. A few years ago I used to dream of the day when I had a son or daughter that would lay the length of my body as we sat on the couch and played or rested. Since Duc and I have both been under the weather lately we have had much more couch time. He has developed a few new games while we lay here coughing. But in the last hour of the day he crawls up into my lap and lays his head in my lap or against my arm and we just enjoy being close. The little boy that was too busy for hugs now enjoys a long hug and the promise of a kiss-kiss. And last week while wrestling he feel asleep in the crook of my legs and I remembered the dream that I once had. The moment had finally arrived and it was incredible.

These days I don’t fear boys. In fact, when a friend called me this morning to share her good news I wished her a boy.

Life Is Good

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:51:00 +0000

The picture says it all.

Sometimes the stress of the daily grind overwhelms to the point that I fail to recognize the severity of its impact. Some days my head feels light and my stomach feels tight and the only good time of my day is the time I spend with my son.

So, Duc and I enjoyed our first family vacation in the Smoky Mountains. I didn’t have internet access while I was there and I rarely had cellular service which is why I opted to turn off my phone on our second day. To be honest, this was a very good thing even if I will be catching up on emails for weeks. The last time I had the opportunity to spend this much quality time with my son was when I was still on maternity leave and that was over six months ago!

So we stopped time, left town and enjoyed each other. Enjoyed being with my sister and her family, my parents. Enjoyed being away from bills and work and reality.

Ah, life is good. And now we are back feeling semi-rested (Duc does not sleep well away from home) after relaxing for a week.

See you next year mountains!

Moon

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:01:00 +0000

There you sit so high up in the sky

Your glaring brilliance illuminating only those things that wish to be seen. The shadows are still shadows and the night is still night.

Were you there on that night when he slipped into darkness and drew his first breath? I think you were.

Did you stand as a silent witness as the faceless one crept up those dark steps with a bundle in a towel? I think you were.

Did you feel the anguish or the pain, or perhaps, relief as she worked in darkness? Did she linger at the gates with a heavy heart and wait for some sign that all was well or did she skip away free to return to life as she knew it?

Did she send a silent prayer in your direction asking for blessings on the life she bore?

Did you see us last night, our heads bent together in a quiet whisper as I carried him into bed? Did you see us as I tilted our faces, one dark, one pale towards your glowing face in remembrance of that first moon we shared?

Did you feel the warmth of our love—she who created him from all the best she had and the one that loves and molds him with the best she has.

I think you did.

Aiden’s photos

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:03:00 +0000

Kelli and Aiden came down a few weeks ago for a little photo shoot and time for the boys to play. I’ve been a bit slow to put these up, but I wanted Kelli to finally have a sneak peak. I sent her an email right after the shoot with a few of my favorite shots, but I know she wouldn’t want me to display the one photo even though I absolutely LOVE it. It’s a beautiful one of her and Aiden. And flowers. It’s beautiful, but I’ll let her decide if she wants to display it on her blog.

I love this photo. You have no idea how hard we had to work to get him to sit in the tree and look directly at the camera!

I LOVE this photo. I don’t know why…something about the way he turned in one of his feet. Or maybe it is the stars on his pants. Whatever it is, I think it is absolutely precious. I’ve been trying to get this shot of Duc for FOR-EVER and I still don’t have it. But Aiden does.

The light was amazing and the expression on his face is absolutely precious and innocent. I would frame this and place it on the mantle with Duc’s photos, but I think he would get jealous. Ahhh, beautiful.

I couldn’t resist posting this one. Just look at the motion and the pure joy on his face. When was the last time any of us remember the joy of just moving? When did running ever make us this happy?

Kelli, sorry about the delay, but I hope it was worth it! I had a blast chasing him around and thank GOD Duc slept through all of it!

Sushi

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 01:41:00 +0000

“What do you mean there is only one left?”

“I want it! Give it to me! I will whine until you give me the last bite of sushi roll!”

“Success!”

“Yuuummmm…oh this is good.”

Fun with Styrofoam…what more could a little boy want?"

me/we

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:30:00 +0000

This weekend we celebrated nine months of being a family. For many women it takes nine months to become a mother, but as I continue to grow in this role I realize that although I may have become a mother when the adoption decree was signed and stamped, I am still becoming a mother. It was a process that began in the moment that I decided to adopt, decided to become a mother, but it was like school. I spent that time studying, observing and interviewing (it sounds so clinical, no?). I watched other mothers, reflected back on my own mothering, discussed different thoughts or observations with my sister, mother, friends and sometimes even strangers.

I learned what so many have learned—classroom studies only take you so far. At some point you graduate, they hand you a child and you quickly learn that while the book reports that patting Susie Q’s back when she is fussy stops her crying, it does not work on your child. So you improvise. You try different things, sometimes unconventional things. But it works. The baby is happy. You are happy and you file what you have learned away somewhere deep in your brain. You learned what a book couldn’t tell you. You learned something that only you and your baby know. No grandparent, daycare worker or other mother can replace what you and your child share.

I had to be away from Duc for several days. It was unplanned, sudden, and neither of us was prepared for it. It was difficult for me, but I could tell it was more difficult for him. He was angry and in the few minutes that we did see each other every day he ran from me and clung to my mother. It was heartbreaking and I cried following our time together. I couldn’t wait to get home and take care of him. But it wasn’t easy when I got home. He wasn’t angry with me anymore, but he acted out and intentionally did things to get my attention—touching things that he knew that he wasn’t supposed to touch, trying to get into things that were not good for him. I reflected on all the advice, all the magazines, shows, and books I had read and I realized they were all wrong. In the midst of all this I noticed some other new behavior and I realized that what he truly needed was me. That was all. No more. No less.

Last night I watched Duc get between my mother and her dirty dishes in the sink. He started pushing her away. What seemed like a game was something else entirely and I was able to tell her what he taught me, “Mom, he just needs you stop and hold him for a few minutes.”

He needs extra cuddle time, and you know what? I need that too. I walked away from my blog for nearly two weeks so we could do that. No camera, no computer, no cleaning up. Just me and him. We went to the park a lot. We rode the slides a lot. We rough-housed, played ball and tickled each other until we laid exhausted on the floor. I learned that he can blow raspberries on my bellies, just like I have done to him so many times before. And I learned that motherhood is a process and I am still learning how to be the mother that he needs.

Always close at hand. You never know when a na-na moment might arise (another thing I learned in the last two weeks, Duc refers to this as na-na).

photo

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 02:18:00 +0000

Somedays I have to put the camera down. Somedays I want to be a part of the action, part of the memory and not recording it for some far off moment after my memories have faded and my son has grown and left. I find myself putting my camera down more these days, preferring to share that moment with my son. I love to play with him. Today we went to the park. I brought my camera and intentionally left it in the car. I wanted to slide down the slide with my son. I wanted to watch the sun set behind his head and marvel at the beautiful halo. I wanted to get dirty with him and scratch bug bites together.

Mother to Mother

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:05:00 +0000

There are days, albeit few and far between, when I think I have it together. Happy kid, happy house, happy mama. But most days the house is a disaster, the kid is happy, and I am tired. Really tired. Lately I have been more tired than usual and I know why and I know it will improve at some point. But until then I awaken each morning hopeful that today is the day when the kid is happy, the house is happy, and me and my mama are all happy.

Today I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible daughter. My sister warned me that my relationship with our mother would change once I had a child. As the older sister with a completely different personality I poo-poo’d my sister’s warning, but she was right. Unfortunately. Things do change. I have talked to a number of newer moms and the answer was always the same: the relationship between mom and the new mom does change. I am not sure why it happens, but it does bother me. I notice I am short with her and my responses come out sounding differently than I intended. Perhaps that is just the way it is supposed to be. The new mom has to learn and stretch her wings and figure it out for herself. In some ways, it feels like the last rebellion. The last final stretch. The final thing that both separates and binds us to our mother’s. Maybe we just need to know that we can do it on our own. Maybe we want to separate ourselves from our mothers—make right what we didn’t like when we were the child. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because we see our mothers in our mothering and we don’t always like what we see.

I’m not sure why, but I am sorry Mom. It feels like our roles have reversed and I don’t always like it.

Little man, I see you changing every day. It’s not just your face or the length of your arms. You are a deliberate, brilliant, challenging child and most days I wouldn’t want it any other way. But other days…well, I look forward to bedtime. I love you, Duc, and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Another one

may_day@comcast.net (Erica) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 01:51:00 +0000

My birthday was last weekend so Michael and I celebrated it as big as we know how to do. Did you notice the duct tape securing the card to the gift? That was the most difficult gift I have ever opened!

We decided to visit a park that I had never been to before. It was a pioneer village with lots to see and lots to take pictures of. It is sometimes too much to try and manage a camera and Duc (yes, he is that busy) so I put Michael behind the camera lens. He hasn’t learned manual yet, but he is working on it:)

This year’s birthday photo

Can I just say that this is my favorite recent picture of Duc? I love the way he is looking at me while the slurpee drips from the corner of his mouth. Ok, this is probably runner-up for recent favorite. I just love the way he is taking absolute joy in enjoying that leaf. How and where did we lose that ability?