Not good

I was so upset as I wrote yesterday that I accidentally posted it on my baby girl's blog.  Woops.  I corrected it quickly so I hope no one noticed it.  I have kept Haven a secret from most of the people I know and I really didn't feel like blurting it out there.  Someday when I actually have a referral I will finally share the news, but not until then. 

I went to bed feeling a bit better, but I think that is largely due to my trip to the gym.  I walked as fast as my short little legs would carry me just hoping to feel better.  For whatever reason, I take care of myself best when I am horribly upset.  If I am happy I eat with reckless abandon and don't exercise.  If I'm upset, I focus all my energy on trying NOT to focus on what is bothering me so I spend a lot of time at the gym.  It's just a shame my body doesn't show it.

I emailed the agency director last night to let him know what had happened and to get an idea of how long the process is currently taking and how long it might take if I submit my dossier in two months.  It doesn't look good.  The wait time has increased 3 months since 6-7 weeks ago and they anticipate that it will continue to grow because so many are now in the process of submitting dossiers.  Best case scenario looks like a year--from the time I am LID and then another 4 months until I travel.  Hopefully in the summer of 2009, I will have Haven. 

My heart is absolutely broken.  I feel like my insides have been scooped out and dumped and the only thing left is a horrible raw feeling.   I was so close to crying while at work that I opted to come home early.  And after coming home and reading an email my mom sent, I did cry.  Big, aching, can't-catch-my-breath tears.  I can only recall crying like this or feeling like this twice before--and one of those was after a friend's death. 

I have never been pregnant, but I somehow imagine this must be what the emotional pain of a miscarriage feels like.  Sure, some day I will likely get one of my children home, but not right now.  You plan out your life and prepare for the day that your child will come home, but then it doesn't and you pray for the day that the chance will come again. 

Today, I am praying...