Strange Dreams

About a week after my January 15th meltdown (yep, the date is marked on my calendar as a bad day) I dreamed of my son for the first time.  It was such a sweet dream.  In it, we were in Vietnam and I assume I must have been picking him up to come home.  We traveled the country, the two of us, with him cradled in his sling across my chest.  I just remember this incredible sensation of feeling the weight of him against my chest and the feel of his skin against my skin that just made my day.  It was almost as if the dream was his way of saying "don't forget about me Mom!  I'm here and I'm real no matter how bad things look." 

Last night I dreamed I had triplets.  Yeah, triplets.  The only way that would happen is is Vietnam referred twins and then my China girl came home.  Wow, that would be trippy!  On Wednesday, at a Bible study I was actually asking one of the moms (she has 2 year-old twin boys and a 4 month-old daughter) how she managed to fit 3 car seats in her vehicle.  Well, she had to trade her station wagon in for a mini-van.  Gasp!  I've always said I would never own a mini-van, but for the right reason I might...

It's no secret that the month of January kicked my butt.  Emotionally, it was not good.  I finally came to terms with the fact that my daughter won't be coming home this year either, and I had to face and realize that my son will not likely be coming home this year either, even if the US-Vietnam negotiate a new adoption agreement.  It's been a hard month and I am glad to see it gone.  I have also argued with myself whether it was a good idea to start the adoption first in China and then Vietnam. If I had started with Vietnam, I would have a child home right now.  But if I hadn't started with China, I would never have the opportunity to adopt from there again. At some point during the last week, I had an ah-ha moment.  I have felt that God put adoption on my heart since I was 8 years old.  I have also felt that God refocused adoption in my life when I was supposed to see it.  Many people will find this hard to believe, but I was absolutely against adopting as a single parent.  Nothing against those that do, but I just didn't think I had it in me.  I especially didn't think I could adopt two!  But look at me now, doing precisely that.  This whole process over the last month has made me miserable and I realized last week that it isn't supposed to be.  Adoption should be a blessing--God's blessing to me.  He is the one who put this on my heart when I was very much opposed, and He can carry it the rest of the way forward.  I've turned my blessing into a curse, and it's time to stop.  Yes, there are going to be bumps and yes, there are times when it appears (or feels like to me) that everyone else has it easier.  But my journey is different than theirs.  For whatever reason, I have felt so much more peace this past week as I realized that I am not responsible for the timing for everything and that every little worry gets me nowhere.  Let the big guy worry about the details and the big picture.  I'm going out and I'm having to have fun. 

Just call me before the kids come home.