Adoption Crap

I don't mean crap in the traditional sense.  In my family we refer to any family time as "family crap" as in "Are you coming over Saturday for some family crap?"  Just a useless, random fact about my crazy, fun-loving family.

I haven't posted much about adoption stuff lately, it is not because I have stuck my head in the sand and forgotten.  I just haven't had the time to blog as I normally do, nor have I had the time to cruise the news for adoption related things.  I haven't been checking out your blogs as much (I'm sorry!) because I've been rather pre-occupied.  I'll give you a mom update at the end of the post.

Anyway, today I was checking out someone's blog which took me to an adoption related website which linked to this article.  Honestly, there are a lot of idiots out there and I don't have the time or emotional energy to correct every one that I come across (I saw a blog yesterday that listed all the dumb*ss things people say to adoptive parents and kids and then AF magazine also had a really interesting article about the same thing). 

Anyway, I felt the need to respond to this particular article for a number of reasons.  A few months back I had a post about why I was not able to adopt domestically.  I'm not looking to revisit that discussion again, but I will say that I a number of people e-mailed me to tell me, married or single, they were unable to do a domestic adoption and I had one married couple tell me they were also limited (for domestic and international) due to a physical condition one of them had and another married couple were limited in adopting due to the fact they both had a divorce in their past.  It still bothers me that people think that adopting is the easy way.  Or that they think the US is the cheap way.  I can't say this loud enough ADOPTION IS NEVER CHEAP OR EASY.  Honestly, it has been cheaper for me to adopt abroad than here.  And of the two single friends that I mentioned in that previous post that were hoping to adopt domestically, the one has already decided not to because she couldn't get any domestic agencies to call her back.  NOT. ONE.  How sad.  The other gave up (although not officially because she is still trying to work with an agency), but she has so far only been offered kids with drug and alcohol exposure or those with significant physical needs (CP, cleft palate, mental retardation).  One of these friends indicated that it would be easier and less time consuming to get a hook-up at a bar.  I really hope she was kidding, but I'm not entirely sure. 

Anyway, this is the e-mailed response I sent to the author of that article:

Actually, Mike, it does cost thousands and thousands of dollars to adopt black, Latino or mixed race children.  Two years ago I decided I was ready to start a family, but when I contacted domestic adoption agencies, one of two things happened: either they wouldn’t call me back or they suggested that I adopt babies that had been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero.  I did have the option of becoming a foster parent, but that opens up a series of other issues.  One, how do I return a child to their abusive biological family when I have loved and cared for the child for years?  Just because the child is in foster care does not mean they are adoptable.  In my state, the majority of children return to their biological families despite abuse and maltreatment.  Two, as a single parent am I equipped to handle the physical and emotional needs of that child?  Children that are permanently removed from their homes are children that have been seriously damaged from an early age and need extensive counseling and access to attachment specialists.  Growing up my family often cared for foster kids and the degree of disability as a result of the abuses they suffered was astounding. 

Recently I found an agency in Texas that had a break-down of costs according to race, from $40,000 to $26,000 (talk about ick).  So, even though there are only a few countries that allow singles to adopt I decided to begin an international adoption, and yes, it is far more affordable than adopting here.  In addition, the chances of completing an international adoption on the first attempt are much higher than attempting to adopt domestically.  Why would I spend $26-40,000 on something that I wasn’t sure was going to happen?  That money is not refunded to the adoptive parent when the adoption is not completed.   

I can only assume you were trying to be funny when you said an Asian child be much better off on a rice paddy 7,000 miles away.  Yeah, maybe if they had parents they would be on a rice paddy, but if they have been abandoned they are sent to an orphanage.  In China, when a child turns 14 years-old he/she is put on the streets.  Would you like to guess what happens to them at that point?  Some are taken against their will and forced into the sex trade.  Once there, they are trafficked across the borders of China, Vietnam, Philippines and beyond.  Since they have no parents and no one cares for these children, there is no one to speak on their behalf and prevent this from happening.   

I wish I could have adopted from the US, I really do, but when I was forced to look beyond our borders I found a lot of other children that also needed families.  Are Asian children any less deserving than American children?  At least American children do not live in orphanages, have free education and healthcare, and most live with good foster parents.   I think there are a lot of abandoned children in Asia that would wish for at least that much.  As far as Asian children being more “desirable” I really can’t speak for that.  Most children adopted from Asian orphanages suffer from scabies, upper respiratory infections, and other conditions related to malnutrition and decreased access to caregivers and medical care.

I did edit some out just because it is already a long e-mail.  Unfortunately, I think he does have some truth in his article, but it was not really something that came across to the reader and is probably something that I may be projecting.  I don't know when adoptions and Hollywood first became entangled.  Perhaps it was with Joan Crawford (Mommy Dearest) that introduced Hollywood adoptions to the US.  Joan's adoptions had a touch of ick attached to them because she would change her adopted children's birth dates so that the birth families couldn't later claim the child (which happened to her second child).  And perhaps Angelina Jolie introduced adoptions Hollywood style to the Gen X crowd.  Prior to her first adoption I always viewed Angelina as kind of a skank, but my opinion of her has changed drastically over the years.  Like so many women, having a child changed her life for the better.  She has become an ambassador to the UN in Cambodia and works on a lot of causes worldwide to improve the welfare for children.  I don't think she has set out to say "look, I'm adopting!" just as she has not set out to say "look, I'm pregnant!"  I like that she respects her children's birth cultures and tries to incorporate those traditions into American traditions.  More importantly she followed the rules and did not use her celebrity status to "get" a child (there was an article about this in either AF or another adoption magazine last year). She is not the only celebrity to adopt and do it quietly--Meg Ryan adopted a daughter from China a few years.  Ewan McGregor and his wife adopted a child from Mongolia in 2001 and have refused to discuss the adoption with reporters. 

Unfortunately, Madonna ruined whatever positive credibility other celebrities adopters had earned when she adopted her son David by breaking all the Malawi adoption rules in 2006.  There was outrage in the adoption community--how come she got to go to an orphanage and pick out her child and take him home right away?  Those that are not in our adoption circles are lead to believe that this is the status quo.  When I was paperchasing for my China girl, I only shared my plans with the 4 women in my prayer circle at church.  I swore them to secrecy because I still consider it to be a private matter.  Two months after I told them I went to Hong Kong to attend a family wedding.  In my absence these do-gooders told the members of my church that I was going to pick out my child.  What the heck?  I don't know how they ever got that impression, but in their minds going to HK=China adoption.  When I returned I was inundated with questions from the church asking where my child was. Hadn't I picked her out? Why didn't I bring her back?  When was I going back to get her?

I wish we could hold our stars accountable for their actions, even if it relates only to adoptions just as I wish we could have honest politicians, but I don't see that happening.  Which leads me full circle back to my initial statement/question--is it my responsibility to educate those that profess a profound ignorance of adoption and insult our children in the process?  Perhaps this is the time to do it for as many people as I can before my children arrive.  I admit to being quick tempered and nothing makes my blood boil faster than someone insulting someone in my family (unless it's true.  In that case it is just funny).  I'm not sure how well I am going to respond to people making obnoxious comments like that, but I don't want my kids to grow up feeling ashamed of their heritage or the fact they are adopted. 

Speaking of family--my mom rocks.  I mean really, she's crazy.  She left the hospital yesterday morning a mere 48 hours from the time the surgery started.  Not only that, she walked a mile today.  How many of you walked a mile today?  At this point I think she is in better shape than I am!  The whole time she was in the hospital we were telling funny stories.  The poor woman has already given her incision a work out from all the belly laughing she has been doing.  Tonight we were talking and I was telling her about something funny I did at work (I'll try to post that story on my daughter's blog this weekend).  We were both laughing so hard that she was squeaking and I was wheezing.  We are believing that the pathology report will show that her lymph nodes are clear and that she is only Stage I.  That would be awesome news.