Who knows

Mama is tired.  I was so tired at work this afternoon that I was in danger of keeling over my keyboard.  I didn't want to wind up with a workman's comp claim from having imbedded keyboard keys stuck in my forehead so I opted to go home.  Since I have to work with the emergency department folks closely (as in, spent my entire morning yesterday in ED working on their computer issues) it would really have been really uncool to get stuck there with a computer related accident.  They would have laughed their butts off and then they would have taken pictures and laughed some more.

I was so tired I felt drunk--you know that slow-motion feeling of being underwater where you are unable to form complete sentences?  I was there complete with word slurring.  Rest assured, I'm not sick and I've not had a drop of alcohol.  I'm just working a lot.  Today I had to be at work at 6:30 AM.  6:30, people, that's just stupid.  The good news is that I am only working until noon tomorrow and I'm getting overtime pay.  Yee ha!  If I want to take a nap and am not overly tired, I will turn the TV on to a low volume on a boring station and will be out in a few minutes.  This afternoon I turned it on, but didn't even have a chance to change the channel or lower the volume and I fell asleep to the sound of Jaws.  Talk about some interesting dreams!

I thought I would do a little Q&A about the tattoo.  Evidently the people I work with don't have tattoos and I have been asked a LOT of questions (I didn't tell them the adoption link).  Most of them are in their 50s and either divorced, widowed or don't care what their husbands say anymore and now they all want tattoos.  I had no idea I would be setting a trend with the baby boomers. 

1.  Does is hurt?  Are you freakin' kidding me??  Of course it hurt!  I'm not going to be all macho and pretend it didn't.  When Kristen was videotaping and taking pictures (thank you, Kris, so much for doing that!) I kept telling her to not take pictures of my sweaty red face. Honestly, the worst part was the outline.  It felt like a hot poker dragging across my skin.  Not cool.  The actual coloring part wasn't so bad.

2.  Why a dragonfly?  I know a lot of PAPs have identified with dragonflies if they are adopting from VN in the same way those adopting from China use ladybugs.  I have no idea what the story is behind this, but let me assure you that is not why I chose a dragonfly.  My fondest memory of my favorite grandma was of going to her home, giving her a hug, and running to play with her jewelry box.  She had a lot of costume jewelry that featured dragonflies and I absolutely LOVED it.  It is such an awesome memory for me and the most clear memory of the woman before Alzheimer's ravaged her brain.  She was in incredibly woman that I really wish I would have had more time with.  When I started the adoption process for my daughter, I just felt the essence of her (for lack of a better word).  I think she would have loved knowing that I was adopting, I think she would have enjoyed seeing my independence, and I think she would have loved knowing her great-grandkids.  When I began the second adoption I felt it even stronger and I realized that although I often viewed her as a victim of her circumstances (see Saturday's post), none of this (my life) would have happened if she hadn't taken that hard road.  About the same time I read a passage in the Bible (I'm horrible at memorizing names and books--sorry) that discussed how sometimes we don't get to see the fruits of what God started in our generation.  The work He began in her was good, but maybe it won't be realized until the time of her great-grandkids.  My mom and I have talked about this a couple of times--maybe there is a reason we were both spared as kids, but maybe it isn't because we are meant to do great things, maybe it is for this future generation.  Ok, maybe that is a bit too deep, but you have to know me and my propensity for analyzing. 

3.  Why the foot?  Again, grandma.  I'm not a big fan of openly displayed tattoos--I love them on other's, but I never thought it was a look I could pull off.  Since she was constantly on my mind during the process it made the most sense to either put her on my shoulder or on my foot.  Since I like to be able to see pretty things, I wanted it on my foot.  I would have wrenched my neck constantly looking at it--how narccistic, right?  But, what's the point in putting it somewhere where I can't see and enjoy it?

4. Why those colors?   Once again, grandma.  I was nervous about red because it tends to have a higher incidence of allergic reactions and those that know me know I am a hive waiting to happen.  I had asked my mom a while back what Grandma's favorite color was and she said it was red.  When I was at the tattooist, I was able to find a bit of flash with similar colors.  We just tweaked it a bit so it would not clash with my coloring.  I did not ask for the shadowing and at first I didn't like it, but in a sense it completes the message I was trying to convey.  I don't feel that Grandma "lead" me to adoption, that's just crazy talk (hehe) but I have a sense that she and/or her story have followed me.  For all those years I viewed her as a victim, but my mom has been telling me more about her and even though her life wasn't easy, she would have done it all again for her kids. 

5.  Are you going to get any more tattoos?  YES!  I am not giving birth to my children and I will not have the stretchmarks or other physical markings of motherhood, but I do want something to mark the connection I feel to my kids.  Last year I had a tattoo done for my daughter and I will do the same for my son once I have a referral.  I do want something very specific to VN (a Lotus blossom) and his VN'ese name.  I will admit that after the last one I was beginning to think that maybe he and Grandma could share a tattoo!  I am now back to letting him have his own, but I'm not sure where to put it.  I guess I could put it on my other hip so I can enjoy it.  I hate putting pretty things on my back where I can't enjoy them. 

My mom has also commented that since I am doing one for Grandma (a woman I only knew for a few years) that I should get one for her as well.  I am considering that although at the time I told her it was like a postage stamp--you had to be dead for so many years before you can get your own skin stamp!  I have since reversed this policy.  My poor mom...I'm always giving her crap.

I will say that for the first week I was kind of shocked by the tattoo.  It felt and looked out of place on me, but I absolutely love it now.  I love what it represents and it is kind of fun to see people's reaction when they catch a glimpse of it.  If anyone is interested in a foot tat, I would remind you to do it in the summer if you live in an area was cold seasons.  You can not have anything touch it for 5 days--not even your shoes.