The One where I yacked in a co-workers car

Last weekend I wasn’t feeling great—sore throat, tired and I would start sweating for no apparent reason. Contrary to what one of my co-workers tried to convince me it was NOT the change. It was a sinus infection. It quickly mutated into some evil mess which required me to miss two days of work, go to the doctor where I required THREE medications to treat the mess that had caused a bad bronchitis with a GI bug (both north and south ends were affected and that’s all I am going to say about that). Even after the GI bug cleared my system, I was coughing so hard I was yacking every where. Seriously. I couldn’t even hold down water for two days. It was that bad. It feels like I have the whooping cough. Not that I know what that feels like, but this is pretty much as bad as I had imagined whooping cough feeling like. All I can say is THANK GOD I have never had a child’s head tear through my nether regions because I am pretty sure yacking would not be the worst of my humiliations.

I went back to work yesterday because

1. I’m broke
2. I have no PTO
3. I’m afraid of how my company will view all my recent absences

Fortunately the Duc man is perfectly healthy, perfectly happy. I feel like a schmuck of a parent which is why I am so THANKFUL that he recently began playing really well on his own. For the longest time he only wanted to play with me or hang on me and whine and I felt strangely sad when he suddenly became Mr. Independent. But to highlight how crappy a parent I have been

1. I fell asleep on the couch while he was still awake (big mistake). My little smarty pants unzipped my purse, found my hidden stash of Goldfish crackers, OPENED the child proof lid, and lined them up on my leg to eat. I awoke to wet little kissy prints on my leg with some orange residue.
2. Yesterday I was completely pooped after getting home so I was resting on the couch with my eyes open this time. Duc wandered into the kitchen and came back out EATING A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH. I kid you not. I had fixed him one the night before and he hadn’t finished so I wrapped it in the paper towel I had served it with and threw it on the top of the trash. That wild turkey got into the trash can and dug his sandwich out. I tried wrestling it away from him, but I was too weak from laughing my butt off to chase him and grab it from him!

Anyway I went back to work yesterday and instead of bringing my anti-coughing medicine with me, I accidentally grabbed the anti-yacking medicine (which works, I think, by making you fall asleep). I didn’t realize it until I was in my co-workers car (after lunch, mind you) and a coughing attack hit me. Thank GOD I had put a Kroger plastic bag in my bag prior to leaving the house because I stuck my head in it and yacked not once, but twice, while my coworker tried to assure me she wasn’t totally grossed out. Now would also be a good time to say that we aren’t friends and unlike me, she is not involved in the medical field at all. Oy, that story is going to get around.

Despite all the ick (thank God I can’t smell anything right now because I’m pretty sure my house smells like a Jersey garbage dump), Duc and I are having a blast. He just loves to play so I rolled myself off the couch the other night and snuck up behind him and whispered “boo!” in his ear. He started squealing and laughing! he took off down the hall with me in slow pursuit and he giggled while I “caught” him. Then it was my turn…I hobbled down the hall on hands and knees while he would “catch” me. I keep telling Duc not to grow any more that I like him just the way he is, but I have to admit, this is an incredibly fun stage to be in even if we are having to navigate around the word “no” and “time-out”. Six months ago I could never have imagined how fun this could be, but wow, he has really rocked my world.