02.06.2010

There has been a growing unrest in my soul, a sense that I am on the brink of something.  A feeling that scares me and excites me as I wait for for “it” to reveal itself.  I’ve come to realize that these feelings often lead me to a deeper level of understanding myself that I did not know existed, a well of strength or a promise of a chance for growth.  I’ve never been a fan of change, but it was a feeling not unlike this one that lead me to realize that I was strong enough to be a single parent.  That I was strong enough to parent two children.  It’s that feeling that lead me to pick up the pen and sign the forms and why I continue to sign time and time again.  And here it is again, but this time it doesn’t involve children.

I find myself searching the internet, looking for answers, looking for connections, looking for the key to unlock it within myself.  I should also know by now that it reveals itself at the right time.   In the weeks and months before my ‘ah-ha’ adoption moment I had conversations with strangers and friends alike leading me down the path.  People entered my life precisely when they were supposed to, guiding me without ever knowing it.  I had dreams of children that looked nothing like me and I could feel, I could feel this incredible attachment, a love, for these children I had never seen before. 

But at the same time, despite the unease within, I’ve been more content, happier than I ever recall feeling before in my life.  Despite what you may think, it is not related to Duc.  He does bring joy to my life, but the feeling I have is deeper and something coming from deep within.  I realized a few weeks ago that I am no longer wishing my weeks away.  It actually came as a surprise when I woke up a few Mondays ago and groaned and wondered how long the week would be.  It struck me, it had been weeks if not months since the last time I thought that.  I’m finally learning to enjoy each day and the challenges and blessings that come with it. 

In December I felt a shift within.  When things got tough, I got zen.  It has actually been a joke at work—how can I remain so calm when things are not going well with our project.  Even though I had a rough patch this week (between Duc and I both being sick and sleep deprived the crap at work was just the icing on the cake), I still feel most incredibly content. 

I don’t know where this will go, this feeling.  Perhaps it is just a seed that must wait for the time of rain before truly germinating, but until then I remain open and excited about the direction my life is heading.  And hopefully Duc doesn’t mind being along for the ride.