Regret

This is definitely one of my favorite photos from the last few weeks:) I can’t believe how serious and how grown up he looks. Makes me slightly sad and happy simultaneously if that makes sense.

I’ve been enjoying some time off the web. No blogging. No reading blogs or websites or even reading photography sites. I’ve been reading, trying to keep my house clean, enjoying every SINGLE minute with my son and I’m re-discovering HULU. And to my Canadian readers I would just like to say I LOVE your shows! I started with Regenerist and stumbled across Being Erica. You know, of course, that I am going to love B.E. How could I not? She has my name (and it is spelled correctly!), born the same year, graduated at the same time, similar interests (writing), fell in love with her best friend (a dude, just so we are clear), single, etc.

If you aren’t familiar with it, the premise is of a single 32 year-old woman who has the worst day ever and winds up in the ER with anaphylactic reaction. A mysterious therapist arrives and she agrees to begin therapy because she doesn’t like where life has lead her and she blames it on a series of missteps and regrets in her life. She makes a list of EVERY single thing she regrets and through the series when various stressors arise her therapist forces her to examine and relive these experiences and re-write what she would have done. It’s a cross between Sex & the City, Quantum Leap and a few other shows and I absolutely LOVE it. I am addicted.

This clip is supposed to be circa 1995, several years pre-Brit Brit.

It’s been rather thought provoking and I’ve begun wondering, do I have any regrets? If I had to take stock of my life, what decisions do I wish I had made differently?

To be honest, that’s how I do most of my decision making. Before I cast my final vote I always contemplate whether I will regret not moving forward with it later. I picture myself in my final days reviewing my life and taking stock, will this be a decision I will regret not making. It is too easy for me to say no, it is much more difficult to be brave.

As I write this I realize this post is going in an entirely different direction than I had planned. Instead of reflecting back on my regrets I am remembering those few acts of bravery. Those moments where I moved ahead knowing I never wanted to think of what I may have missed.

In late 2007 I made the decision to begin a second adoption not even a year after submitting a dossier to China. I was afraid. I was afraid of the finances, I was afraid of going through the heartache again, and to a certain degree I was afraid of trying to raise a boy by myself. I knew nothing about boys (still don’t), but somehow I had this overwhelming feeling it was right.

Two years ago yesterday I finally completed my dossier for Vietnam The local CIS lost my paperwork several times and instead of taking 4-6 weeks as it does for most, it took about 12 weeks. Those of you reading this that were adopting at the same time can remember the stress of completing an adoption from Vietnam in 2008. My agency sent my paperwork to San Fran to have the necessary stamps from the Vietnamese embassy. What should have taken 1-2 weeks once again took much longer than anticipated. Finally, 4 weeks later I got the email from my agency that my dossier was completed and would be sent to Vietnam the following day and my fees were now due. The very next day news broke that the MOU would not be renewed.

I remember reading the news and my heart sunk. My dossier was being sent and I had to send off every cent I had, including the money I had saved towards my China adoption (which at the time seemed like a surer bet). It was a gamble. I don’t remember the night as well now, but I think there were a couple of tears. A whole lot of tossing and turning. And prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. The only thing that gave me any comfort was not every wanting to look back and wonder if I made the right decision.

Obviously, you know how it turned out. I was on the line until the very end. On August 29th I received a message from my agency telling me that VN was releasing some of the referrals because the VN’ese were tired of dealing with the US and their rules when they could refer to another country that would send parents much faster. On September 1st my agency did quick, brief email telling me that I was in and they would call in a few days.

Now, back to Being Erica. I’ve been thinking about regrets a lot lately. Until now I really haven’t had any although I feel like I am on precipice of one and I am trying to figure out what to do and how to get me on the right path. When I shared this with a friend today she seemed surprised that I had no regrets. She explained that she had quite a few, and like the fictional Erica, there were things she would have liked to have done differently.

I explained that not having regrets was not the same as living an ideal life. I’ve had LOT of heartaches. A lot of things that I wished at the time had turned out differently. There have been hard times in my life that I did not bring on myself and I tried everything I could to get out of them, but sometimes you have to go through tough times to appreciate what awaits you on the other side. And let me tell ‘ya, life has been very sweet lately, wouldn’t you agree?