Fluff

I had a very fun photo shoot on Monday with one of my colleagues children.  She was pregnant with her daughter as I was preparing for Duc.  She delivered while I was in Vietnam.  We’ve had traded quite a few stories over the last few months so I was quite excited when she asked if I would take her daughter’s photos.

 

 

She was an absolute DOLL.  My goodness and I loved having some baby time again.  When Duc was that age he was already cruising furniture and nearly walking.  He was never a soft, cuddly child with baby rolls.  He was always a bruiser.  It was nice to know what a baby-baby feels like.  Did I mention the dresses…oh, I can’t wait to buy dresses!

Legacy

Several years ago I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my mother she looked at me and with a surprising amount of feeling said, “Wow, you look so much like my mother.”

I had a pang of sadness as she told me it was the shape of my forehead, the way I had my hair pulled back from my face and the expression on my face. I thought of my someday children in that moment and realized I would never turn to my daughter and repeat my mother’s words. I would never look at my son and marvel at how much he looks like my father and his father before him. It wasn’t that I regretted not giving birth to them, but I wanted to impart something of myself on them.

It was a while before I shared that sad moment with my mother, but she assured me that I would see myself in my children. They may not inherit my love of art or my sister’s musical ability, but they will learn to appreciate both. My son may not have my blue eyes, but he has my twinkle and my sense of humor. And sometimes, in the smallest of moments, I catch a glimmer of myself in my son.

Sometimes you just need to feel the wind on your skin

It’s impossible for this time of year to arrive and not think back to where I was this time last year, two years and three years ago. Last year I was still anxiously waiting for someone to confirm what I already knew—my son lived and breathed. What a strange place to be—to be a mother, to know your child lives and exists, but to not know what he looks like or what he smells like? I imagine many birth mothers know that feeling well.

While I finally received confirmation on September 1st and received his file on September 3rd, there was so much I felt and suspected that I never documented here. Those familiar with how ugly the Vietnam/US adoption process became last year understand why. I remember looking up in the sky the evening of May 19th and again on the following morning and seeing the full moon and knowing deep in my soul that my son was alive and lived and breathed somewhere in this world. Every full moon following that I would say a prayer and thank God that he was alive another month. In late June I had this overwhelming feeling that something was finally beginning to happen. My father and I both dreamed that we would hear something that week, and in a way, we did. I received an email from my agency on behalf of the Vietnamese Adoption Officials who reported an issue on my 171H. It was then that I finally had confirmation that something was indeed happening that was bringing Duc and I closer together.

Along the way I would occasionally have a feeling that something was happening that was drawing my son and me closer together. I collected those dates and documented them in my private journal and wondered if I would ever know for sure. It would be many months before it would be confirmed, but indeed, those strange sensations were tied to some significant events that occurred behind the scenes. It’s funny how life and how God work.

Two years ago I was unemployed and waiting and wondering. Wondering about a job, wondering how long I would wait for my daughter, wondering about this son—a secret desire that I shared only with Kris and my mother. I could never have guessed that my secret desire would someday be a son I would share with the world.

Three years ago I had my first adoption dream. In many ways I believe that was the dream that finally opened me up to the possibility of being a single parent. God was already working on my heart, reversing the direction of my life, the direction of my thoughts. Three years and two weeks ago I started the process for my daughter. The ah-ha moment finally dawned and I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I didn’t know at the time how timely that moment would be. Months later singles were no longer be allowed to adopt from China.

This is what we all waited for. Wow. I could only imagine this a year ago.

We call my dad the baby whisperer. He has an amazing ability to put any baby asleep. Duc had four naps today and I had two. Anyone have a problem with that??? I think we are both still recovering from being ill.

A doll at my parent’s house. She deserved to have her photo taken. Look how pretty she is! Peek-a-boo with my babe.

Immune

I need a faster shutter speed or I need to buy a flash for my camera! Look at his little hand just patting the arm rest.

We had a rough night last night. He had his 15 month check-up yesterday and we are still catching up his immunizations. Normally they don’t bother him, but last night was rough. It took an hour to get him down for bed (normally it takes 30 seconds) and then he woke up crying several times between 3 and 4 am. I gave him some motrin and rocked him back to sleep which took a lot longer than I thought it would. Fortunately he woke up easily this morning. I am so thankful I have somewhat flexible hours because we spent the morning playing and cuddling on my bed. He loves to push my shirt up and poke my belly. Evidently there is something funny in the jiggle. He usually ends his play time by kissing my belly. What a sweetie.

I’m exhausted. The house is a disaster and I am going to bed. Hopefully tonight will be a bit easier.

Fruits of my labor (15/8)

Do you know how much it makes my heart sing to watch my son eat what I have fixed or how happy I was to give him his first bowl of pho? It saddens me that he didn’t have the chance to eat pho in Vietnam, but I really enjoy fixing it for him now.

It is hard for me to believe that my baby is 15 months and that we have been together 8 months. I thought the novelty of it would slip away with the passage of time, but it hasn’t. Before I can reign them in tears still chase a line down my face at the most surprising moments. Sometimes it is a look he gives me, sometimes when I am carrying him to bed and he clings to my neck, and sometimes it is watching him play and being amazed that he is here. After all those tears, months of wondering, he is here. Fifty weeks ago I saw his face for the first time and I knew my life was changing. I knew it was changing from the very first email I sent my agency, but there he was, proof. I never could have imagined the love, the light, the mess and the tears he would bring.

Happy 15 months, baby boy! You were worth every tear, every bump in the road, every heartbreak. You continue to amaze me. every. single. day. I love you, Duc.

Comfort

Comfort has been very important lately.  Last night the husband and son of a dear friend went missing.  All kinds of ugly things went through my mind.  None of it good and I felt sick with worry as I waited unable to do anything.  Thank GOD they were finally found.  Because they were last seen at a lake my mind went to a very ugly place.  This isn’t the only things going on, but it has certainly contributed to my stress levels recently.  I’ve always been very empathetic, but since Duc entered my life I feel an entirely new level of panic every time I hear of something horrible happening to a child.  So, comfort and comfort food have been very important.  Since some of the happiest times of my life occurred in Vietnam, I am recreating some of that at home.  In my new kitchen. 

 

It doesn’t seem logical, but my pho tastes every bit as good as what I had in Vietnam.  I was quite surprised mine tasted so authentic.  And how much do you love star seed anise?  I just love the smell of them.  Ahhhh….like licorice. 

Favorite things

I owe you all a big thank you for your support. I have appreciated hearing your personal stories about the children you have loved and lost. I feel like a failure and I feel like I failed her. I know I made the right decision for our family, but it didn’t make the decision any easier. As time goes on I will probably share more, but for now it is still a little too painful. Even finding an old email with her photo reduced me to tears the other day.

So, I am devoting this post to a few of my favorite things. Duc and I are finally feeling better and we have been getting out more. Michael and I checked out our dream cameras this weekend and I am in heaven. And a little bit of hell since I need $1K to renew all my China paperwork (how about that for salt in a wound, eh?). Obviously I’d rather use that money to upgrade and/or save for another lens. I have a baby photo shoot next week so I am pretty psyched. She has the biggest blue eyes and I can NOT wait to photograph her. Also, she is a very chubby baby! I love chub. Duc doesn’t have chub—he has muscles.

He does the Vietnamese squat constantly. LOVE it!

No matter where I go in the hospital people call me “Trouble”. Well, all it takes is one look to see that Duc is trouble with a capital T. This boy (and his yogurt) make me giggle.

My dad and the Duc. I love to see my boys together.

Every time Duc sees Oma there seems to involve a haircut… How sad does he look getting his hair cut?