So many firsts...

I know this is true for a lot of adoptive parents, you spend a lot of time thinking of your child-what do they look like, are they healthy and happy?  I have been waiting for so long.  Today marks 14 months that I have officially been waiting for my daughter and for the most part I am ok with the ever expanding wait times.  But I can't help but remember that when I started my journey I was expecting a 12-14 month wait.  I was expecting to have a referral for my daughter this month and I expected to travel this June.  My mother had to tell our family in Hong Kong that we would NOT be meeting them there this summer.  I have yet to tell them to meet me in Hanoi later this year instead.  I'm holding this one close to my heart so that only a few can catch a glimpse of the miracle that is my son. 

I can't help but think of him, as I do my daughter.  And of late, a new sensation has set in---I get this feeling that he is here.  Somewhere in the world my Haven is alive and my heart stretches across the ocean to him.  Can he feel me?  I pray that there is someone there to hold him close and comfort him.  I pray that angels surround him and those caring for him.  He will experience so many firsts--first smile, first cry, first tooth--the list is endless.

I will experience my own set of firsts.  I try to imagine what that moment will be like when I get "the call".  How will I react?  I will fall in love, for the first time, with no strings attached.  No conditions that set limits on what my heart is allowed to feel.  I will feel every emotion, I want to feel every emotion.  And I want my son to know how much his life has touched mine already.    

I push my imagination further...what will it be like when they finally put him in my arms?  Will we just stare at each other and wonder what happens next?  Or will we both give over to the tears?  His from pain of loss and confusion and mine from unspeakable joy and absolute fear? 

I imagine my first hug.  My first kiss from my son.  The first time he grabs my hand to play.  I'm not sure I'll be able to hide the tears then either.  My poor child will think I leak!

I imagine the first time I hear him say "mama". 

When does it all become real?  When I receive that referral, when I hold him for the first time or the first time I hear him call for me?