The Gift of Life

Last Friday morning I was excitedly sharing my DTV news with a good friend oblivious to the report the US Embassy in Hanoi had just released.  Although I should have told her what was going on on Monday, to be honest, work kind of felt like my safe zone.  I didn't want to have to think about it and work has kept me so busy that I really didn't have time to discuss it with her.

Today we finally connected and had a few minutes this afternoon.  We ran into each other in the lunch line and all she had to say was, "I read..."  and she gave me a hug.  No words were needed fortunately.  Somehow I managed to avoid crying last weekend, but when Michael called on Tuesday (when the article hit the local paper) to say the same thing and offer prayers and support, well, I finally cried.  Strange how something that feels so awful can be so cathartic.  I was glad I had that behind me or I'm sure I would have broken down crying again.  It's amazing the power of asking "how are you really?"

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty awesome right now and I thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and support through the last week.  I'm waking up excited each day expecting to hear good news. I know God has a plan even if I don't always understand it.  I was quite touched when I read an anonymous comment the other day that some one had left saying "i just get this feeling that Haven will be one of the last referrals from vietnam".  To be honest, I was kind of thinking the same thing.  My children already feel like such blessings even though they aren't home.  A big part of that is just being able to trust that God will carry through with His promises.  I barely made it in China before the cutoff eliminating singles (and a lot of other folks) and I think the same will be true of Haven. 

Ok, back to the focus of today's post--my dear friend knows how excited I am to become a mother.  While I won't go into all the details of the conversation because we both need our privacy, I will say she offered up perhaps the biggest gift a person can give--the gift of life.  Years ago she underwent IVF and still has several frozen embryos that she has no intention of implanting.  Rather than be wasted, she would like for them to go to someone that wants a child.  I was speechless.  It was a deeply emotional and touching moment for both of us, but I'll be honest, I hope I never feel that I need to take her up on the offer.  It's a tricky subject certainly.  It's not like adopting a child--it would be embryo adoption and I'm not even sure what kinds of laws govern things like that.  Not only that, but this would be her child.  In adoption, even with open adoptions, I don't think most people are in near-daily contact with the birthmom.  Since we move in some of the same social circles, people might make the connection especially since all her other children are the spitting image of her.  Plus, I'm not sure she could separate herself from the child.  I'm quite sure I wouldn't be able to let go.  Every time I saw that child I would think "there goes my baby".   Since I would still need to find surrogate (anyone seen Baby Mama yet?  I did and it was pretty cute!), well, I'm not sure how I would explain that to my child.  Well, you were created by Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and you grew in this other lady and then you came home to me.  I don't know...

I don't know...it puts me in a weird frame of mind.  What she offered is a most incredible gift, no doubt about it.  I can not think of a bigger gift two people (let alone friends) can share, but I really hope I never have to ask.  Does that make sense?

In the meantime, I'm just waiting for Haven.  While I had planned on getting a tattoo for Haven--for me, not for him--I had thought I would wait until I have a referral.  Honestly, I'm not sure I want to wait now.  I plan on living with expectation from now until I get the call.