Letters to my son

Even before I began this blog, I began writing in a journal for my son.  There are so many gaps in his early life that he will never know and I will never be able to explain.  I wish I could give him the answers to those missing chapters, but I can't.  While I realize this journal will in no way make up for (nor is that my intent) what is missing, it will at least give him the birth story as I know it.  In writing I struggle with some amount of guilt--for me, there has never been another.  I have never tried to get pregnant, he and his his sister were the children that I imagined.  For me, it is all gain.  For him, it is all loss.  He is losing a birth family, a natal culture and language.  I am excited--I can't wait for him to come home, but at the same time...I don't know how to express it which is why I generally write it in the journal and not in this forum. 

There are some big gaps in my journal, same as my personal journal.  To be honest, when it is bad, I don't want to have to record it.  I don't want to remember how painful the experience was--I just want to move forward.  Sometimes I wait until the pain isn't as fresh and the tears no longer flow before putting pen to paper.  I am glad for it--when I look back I am amazed at what has happened so far.  It is amazing to see how resilient the human heart really is, how much heartache and loss we will take in our attempt to leave our imprint on this world.  Isn't that what children are to some degree...a legacy?  I may not ever make policies that change the nations nor solve great equations or discover cures, but I will raise good children.  I will set them in the earth to take forward what I have taught them.  I can only hope that they will make an impact and impart the good that I have taught them and learn the lessons of my mistakes.