Weirdness Abounds

**I've begun to wonder if the crazy, poisoner was actually a prisoner. I know a lot of places employ prisoners because it is cheap labor. That really makes me nervous. I'm going to have to start paying for all the credit checks I'm having run**

I took today off from work so I could sleep. Truly, I am that tired and overworked. Would you like to guess what woke me up at 11:07 am? Not the cat (although she had been obnoxious), not the lawn mower down the road--it was a low flying plane. Yep, I seriously grabbed the cat and hit the deck and said, "oh, sh**!". Yeah, my sister and I have had the conversation that nearly every time I encounter something life defying that my response is "oh sh*t!". I'm not proud, I truly am not. I'm afraid one of these times it is going to be the big one and the last words I utter before encountering the pearly gates is going to be "oh sh*t". Hopefully God has a sense of humor.

The other weirdo moment happened last night. I HATE receiving advertisements from credit card companies, I hate that they sell my personal information to other vendors so that THEY can also harass me. So when I saw the opt-out insert they tucked behind my last bill, I wanted to make a point of calling. When I called a husky voiced from a wo/man (not too sure, folks) answered. When I told him/her what I wanted s/he asked why I called this number. Considering I had just given her my credit card number I started getting very nervous, especially since this is on the heels of the PayPal Fiasco of my birthday (someone stole my account and bought an Audi car). I explained that the number I called was the number that was provided. So s/he was chatty and was asking about if I had been affected by Hurricane Ike. It seems kind of stupid to even admit it since I live in the Midwest, but yeah, we got hit kind of hard. Besides Texas, we were the next state with the highest number of lives lost due to the storm. S/he asks about the storm twice (what the heck?). Then she finishes my transaction. I asked her what I needed to do since I am planning on going overseas in a couple of months. She then starts telling me to take Immodium because of the food. Honestly, I've eaten some foods both here and abroad that I'm not proud of. The last thing I want to do is sssllllooooww their exit out of me. You understand?

At this point s/he realizes I'm a nurse and starts telling me about her cheating ex-husband. She says since you are a nurse you will understand this, "I started dosing him with spironolactalone and an anti-psychotic and he was not the same after that."

Ok, does that scare you at all? Honestly, it did me. I didn't even know some of the effects of spironolactalone until recently (among other things it suppresses testosterone) but having some fruit loop on the phone admit to poisoning someone, well, that's just not right. That reminds me, I probably need to check my credit again...

Perspective

It's all about perspective. Sometimes it is easy to get pulled down into the mire of everyday life and when you are in the pit you can't see the beauty that still exists. As I've alluded to, there have been some very difficult things going on in my life that have absolutely nothing to do with adoption (how is that for perspective!) and I sometimes can't see the silver lining. I'm still looking for it one particular case, but what happened today was a reminder of just how precious and fleeting life is.

Nearly seven months ago, a co-worker and dear friend lost her husband suddenly to coronary heart disease. It was the kind of heart attack that kills instantly--no amount of CPR, defibrillation, medications or surgical intervention would have made a bit of difference. It was hard on all of us to see a young life snuffed out so abruptly.

Today another dear friend (she has been a silent star of my blogs on more than one occasion) received some difficult news. Her husband went in for some tests to rule out coronary heart disease since they felt the problem was actually related to something else. She was stunned to learn that he has occlusions in five coronary vessels and the cardiologists told her the one occlusion is called "the widow maker". I'm sure you can figure that out. He will need to cardiac bypass surgery quickly. He is a active, young, and has a healthy diet--this was an absolute surprise.

After meeting with her, I decided that our mutual friend and co-worker needed to know, no matter how difficult. Her response initially surprised me, but I got it. She said, "Thank God. At least she knows."

It's all about perspective. She did not know her husband had the same coronary heart disease until it was too late. At least this friend and her husband will have the opportunity to seek treatment and make changes that will prolong his life. Now I pray that some of my family gain the same perspective before it is too late.

Perspective.

It is well with my soul

Finding my Balance

I'm sorry for all the kvetching on this blog, I truly am.  I realized today that I have had a lot of upheavals over the last few weeks, but when I look back at the past year I see that it wasn't much better either.  Loss of job, adoption issues, loss of relationships in my life, and other ailments that I'd rather not mention on a public blog.  It's been a lot.  And now I need to find my balance.  Find my peace.  Catch my breath.  Slow down.  Ahhhh. 

It won't be easy, especially if my job has anything to say.  I'm not sure how to navigate through that.  Having worked for this company before I can tell you that they ask for more, more, more even after you have dropped from exhaustion.  It's a very different environment from my last job and I truly miss some things about it. 

Ever notice how when something truly awful happens, God comes along and gives you a little something to remind you that life is still good?  Well, Tuesday after I had slept a couple of hours I was still feeling puny.  Unfortunately, I actually become physically ill  (dizzy, nauseous...you get the picture) from all the stress and lack of rest and sleep so I really debated going to my citizen's police academy class.  I had already missed the previous week since I was in Atlanta, but I didn't want to miss anymore despite how crappy I felt. 

Boy, and I glad I went!  We covered car stuff--specifically, evasive maneuvers.  OH MY GOODNESS it was so much fun!  I got in the cop car and the Sergeant was weaving in and out of the orange cones forward...and in reverse.  Then, if that wasn't fast enough, she would take the car up to 50-60 miles an hour, hit the brakes and slide to make a fast turn.  And the donuts...the backward car donuts.  It. was. too. much. fun!  The instructors were very entertaining and as a nurse I certainly could relate to the stories--cop and nurse stories always sound remarkably similar.  The class has a very diverse mix of people from all nationalities and languages.  Professional and laborers.  Retirees and the unemployed student.  Plus, one of the students is actually the local police beat reporter so I am sure I will have some interesting photos to share with everyone. 

Peace. 

Waterboarding and other such tortures

There are all kinds of tortures out there that we use on the enemy and they on us.  If you know yourself well, you know precisely which ones will break you (did ya'll see GI JANE?  Great example).  I can withstand a lot of pain.  I could probably even handle beatings, but I have always known that sleep deprivation would break me faster than anything else.  Well, today I was finally broken. 

I have had one day off since September 1st.  To clarify, I mean a day that I haven't been on-call or been forced to use my personal time for work time.  After being in Atlanta all last week, traveling back late Friday (for which I wasn't paid for) I started non-stop on-call after only 5 hours of rest.  If anyone read through my Saturday rant you know how tired and stressed I was and now you will know how pissed I was that I was only paid 5 hours for 8 hours of work.  I did address this with my boss who bumped it up to 6 hours.  She seemed to think the fact that I was receiving time and a half pay should have influenced the number of hours I could bill for. 

I am a single woman.  As such I can not ask my 'honey' to take over chores that I can not finish.  This means that regardless of how many hours I work, I still have more work at home that can not be ignored.  If you follow that thought out a reasonable person would realize that if I am forced to work 14 hours and I still have 4 hours of home work, then I will be working for 18 hours.  So, yesterday I worked two hours over so it was 11:45 pm before my head hit the pillow.  At 1:47 am, the help desk calls me at home.  I was then forced to endure a conversation with the dumbest person I have never met.  Honestly, I am really hoping she has sort of vision impairment that will excuse her level of ineptitude.  It was so awful I told her to find someone, anyone that I could talk to instead to do her work for her (I wanted to tell her to find a patient since they were probably in better shape than she was). It was a challenge even with the second person.  Remember the whole conversation about "click the big red cancel button?" Yeah, it was that all over again and when I start getting that frustrated I begin talking very slowly and very softly.  This ignoramus actually had the nerve to ask me at 2 am why I sounded tired?!? 

After 45 minutes she had to take a break and said she would call back to finish the last item (the same thing we had already done twice!).  I called and left a voicemail for my boss in tears telling her we needed to talk because I couldn't do this anymore.  I was so exhausted, but the fear/anxiety associated with being jolted out of sleep by my phone ringing and knowing that there would be no end until next Monday, well, it broke me.  Every time I have tried to lay down and take a nap the last 3 days has resulted in being paged.  I finally broke.  I laid in bed crying and begging for sleep knowing that my body and mind were too messed up at this point to relax for sleep.  After an hour of lying there in agony I decided to get up and go about my day.  I wasn't getting paid to stay home and not sleep so I clocked in at work at 4:30 AM.  Let me tell you, I am some level of evil pissy when I am that tired.  Unfortunately, it didn't last long.  I was so tired sitting there with my trainer (who drove up from the Carolinas to work with me) that I actually started crying.  It wasn't even the fact that I was tired, it was that I was exhausted.  My boss took me off call for the rest of the week and I was instructed to finish up with the instructor and go home.  My instructor was awesome and told me she is the same way--rarely cries until she becomes exhausted.

So, now I am exhausted and embarrassed.  I felt like they made a big spectacle of it all (even though I know they took the steps they needed to take to let people know about the changes), but I still feel like a schmuck for not being able to pull my own weight.  I'm hoping this means I'm done for good.  There is no amount of money that numbs the pain of being on-call.  I am feeling so burned out right now that it makes it very difficult to go into work. 

The suspense!

Ok, be prepared that you are going to see a few more clips of Twilight until it is released on November 21st.  And I will be talking about the last book until I finish it.  I've decided to wait a few days before starting it since I know I won't be able to put it down once I start.  I know now that I can NOT give away any plot lines because Meredith (and others, I'm sure) are still reading.   Enjoy!

Go Away Ike, Tina's not here!

First off, I do not want to sound like I am making light of the devastation that Texas and surrounding states have suffered as a result of the hurricane. It truly is horrible. Even though what we have felt in the Midwest is really NOTHING compared with what the coast is receiving, I do think it truly shows the awfulness when even the Midwest is also hit.

Here is a video I shot this afternoon before the worst of it hit:

I felt like I was under attack because the black walnut tree 20 feet from my back door suddenly began raining walnuts and other debris onto my roof. Before the storm I had a bunch of leaves in my front yard but as you can see from the video, I won't be raking leaves! I lost my cable, internet and phone connection around 2 pm and the power sometime after that. Ugly. If we got this much damage from all these miles away, I have a hard time imagining the horror of what Texas received.

Ok, note to Kristen and Kate (Kate--I don't think I have your email or I would be emailing this instead!). I finished Eclipse and I am heart broken! I am so, so sad. Seriously, I wanted to cry but I was rushing off to meet my FCC families for an Autumn Moon Festival (yes, even without electricity!). I am sad for all of them, but especially Jake and Bella. I have never been in love with two men at once, but I did make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend (because he assured me it would be ok--I should not have fallen for that line!) and I am all too familiar with how horribly wrenching that pain is. Anyway, I'm sad but I don't know if I should just jump in and start reading Breaking Dawn or give myself a few days to digest it all. Some books just do that to me--I read The Lovely Bones a couple of years ago and I loved it, but I was terribly blue about it for several days. At least once a year I pull it out again to read, but I usually avoid parts of the book that make me cry. Same thing with Steel Magnolias; my version of the movie ends right after Julia Roberts has the baby. Real life is hard enough without adding fiction.