Begging for your vote!

Ok, normally I consider myself above begging, but not today!  I just learned this evening that I am one of 10 finalists that have the opportunity to win free photography website customization AND an online professional gallery to show my clients their photos.  I hope you will consider voting for me.  You can vote here.  My name is Erica and I am listed as #5. 

 

Last week my mother was over helping out. It wasn’t even 7 pm, but we were all spent and piled on one end of the couch. Duc lay between us, his head in my lap and his feet in her’s. We began to have a conversation that we have had several times before in a number of different variations. Usually it begins wih “can you believe this almost didn’t happened?” with a knowing look in Duc’s direction. No, I can’t imagine never knowing or loving him I often say. My life was good before. I really didn’t feel anything was missing. Until I met him.

This time the conversation began from her perspective. “I would have been ok with not having children or grandchildren. I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. But after you girls arrived and the grandchildren arrived…well, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

She continued, “Your life was fine before Duc, but look at how much joy he has brought this family. He is such a happy, cheerful child. He hasn’t had any attachment issues so far, he bonded easily and quickly with you and is such a joy to be around. I wonder if the other families we traveled with feel the same way we do. I sure hope so.”

As she spoke my eyes teared up and when I opened my mouth to speak my voice cracked with emotion. I began blubbering huge achy tears as I told her that I am grateful to be his mother every single day. He has made me that happy. Even on the days where I feel extremely challenged I still go to bed grateful that I got to be the one he challenged.

I think about how close I came to not being his mother—both the extrinsic and intrinsic factors that almost lead to…well, not this. I thought about how afraid I was to become a mother, especially a single mother, and especially to a son whose gender feels so foreign from my own. I thought about all the external obstacles—money and delays with my dossier. And I thought of the biggest obstacle of all—my faith. Struggling with how I could believe I would receive a referral when so many others had been waiting far longer than I had. I am a big fan of fair and making things as fair as possible and this wasn’t fair. Knowing the day my son was born and where, but marching ever closer to September without knowing if our match would ever come to fruition.

When I heard other parents say it, I never understood how the love could grow deeper and more intensely the longer you mothered your child. I thought love was just love, until I met Duc. I finally understood that my love for him is like a well watered plant. It grows bigger and the roots spread further and deeper with each passing day and week.

Perhaps it is for all these reasons that I find my heart seizing up as I try to picture my life without Duc. Before meeting him it would have been infinitely easier, but now? For me, knowing him for one day was to love him the rest of my days.

I hope I never have to live a day without him in my life. The very thought causes such intense feelings of grief and anxiety I can hardly stand to consider what my life would be like. Maybe that’s because the events that lead to our family were such traumatic times, for both of us. Or perhaps it is a reflection on my own childhood and all the early losses or near losses I suffered. Or, maybe it is simply being a mother. Perhaps my feelings are like so many unspoken rules of motherhood and until you get your entrance ticket stamped you can never understand.

So, I hold my baby every chance I get. Since he has been sick he has been falling asleep much earlier in the evening than he normally does. I’ve carried him in from the car asleep, picked him up off my feet or his blankey a sleep. Instead of putting him down in bed and getting on with my evening, I hold him. I watch his little face relax in a mask of sleep and I savor every minute.

Sunday Morning Traditions

Apparently we’ve been sick.  I say apparently because I thought we were sick, but then we got sicker and I felt like those earlier times were the good ‘ole days.  We are both on antibiotics now (first time we’ve ever been on them at the same time) and we are finally feeling better.  There were so many things I wanted to post about that I was never able to sit down and type up my thoughts.  Too tired, too sick, little one sleeping in the crook of my arm or nestled into my armpit.  Not a whole lot of “me” time.

Today we were able to return to some traditions.  I love traditions and I look forward to implementing more as Duc gets older and as we (hopefully) gain a sister. 

Bringing blankey into the kitchen while he waits for the pancakes to cook.

This would be one of his begging expressions.

So, so close. 

Success!  Did I mention that Duc loves to dip his food?  I figured this out when we were on vacation last month and he dipped a corn dog in chocolate pudding!  So, so gross.  At least applesauce is healthy.

Happy boy.

Yum.

This would be the charming new talent that Opa taught him on vacation.  “See food!”  He mushes it up and then tries to stick his tongue out with the food still sticking.  Somedays he is more successful than others.    

I remember reading an article that a woman had written about keeping her bedroom, the room she shared with her spouse, kid-free. I remember thinking “how hard can it be?” Now I wonder “why bother?”

When Duc first came home I thought I should keep a space for myself, as if I would lose myself as a woman if I let him take over my space. Before he came home I used to worry about forgetting him in the car or leaving him at daycare after getting off of work.

Funny thing is, I didn’t lose myself in motherhood. I gave myself up freely. And I haven’t left him in the car or forgotten him anywhere. I’m happy when I am with him and I miss him when he is gone. He has left his dirty fingerprints all over my house and all over my soul. He is the best medicine I could have ever hoped for.

Yesterday I didn’t get off work until 7 am when I was supposed to get off at 3 am. I hadn’t slept in over 24hrs, and this was after several nights of fitful sleep. When I finally woke up yesterday I felt like hell. I was beyond grumpy and my whole body hurt. Mom returned Duc around 4:30 pm and the little things began to upset me to the point that I actually thought I was going to cry. I excused myself so I could spend a couple of minutes of quiet time in my room. I looked around my bedroom and the evidence of him was everywhere. A clean sock stuck to my bedspread (I had found it stuck to my butt on the inside of my pants the day before), a pacifier on the floor, a wayward toy tucked into one of my shoes and within a few minutes I heard a little giggle and a rustling at the door.

He wasn’t trying to make me feel better. He just did. And I don’t mind the little fingerprints or the trail of toddler debris that he left throughout my room.

And on his 500th day…

Duc discovered the word NO.  To be clear, this is actually his impersonation of a kid in his daycare class.  It absolutely cracks me up!

 

And a little video tutorial and how we say NO.

Miss you

I miss my baby.  I have to work tonight and I obviously couldn’t leave my baby unattended or take him to work with me for a couple of hours (daylight savings time is a real bear) so Oma and Opa have him for the night and most of tomorrow.  It feels odd to be in our home—a home that he fills up with his presence.  It feels strangely empty in here.  I don’t think I have have been home when he hasn’t also been here.

We didn’t have the opportunity to trick or treat tonight, but Duc did dress up! 

He is a dragon…or a dinosaur.  I can’t quite figure it out. 

I love that dimple. 

Even a dragon/dinosaur needs a lift every once in a while.

Boy Joy

Growing up if you had asked me if I had wanted to have boys or girls I would have told you, two girls and one boy. As a woman I can’t help but desire to have a daughter. I look forward to tea parties with dolls, hair braiding and tutus. Oh, how I want to see tutus! Why one boy? Why not? I don’t have any brothers and we didn’t live close to my male cousins. Boys were (and still mostly are) completely foreign to me, but I am learning. I am not one of the women that my mother frequently laments about hating my own gender and wanting only boys. Personally, I have never understood how a woman wouldn’t want to have a daughter.

But I have learned a lot about boys in the last year, well, at least this boy. I know all his tickle spots and I know that if I look at him just right he will begin to giggle uncontrollably. I know that when he gives me a particular impish smile I know he is about to do something extremely naughty and extremely funny. Tonight he laid on the couch, head in my lap as I caressed his head. I knew he was almost asleep. I could feel his body relax and his breathing began to slow. Until I began to giggle and his little head began to bounce up and down on my round belly. I couldn’t help myself, I was just so tickled and a few seconds later Duc began laughing too. He rolled his little head back so he could look at my face while he laughed, but he laughed. And the beauty of it brought tears to my eyes and we laughed some more.

While Duc and I bonded and attached surprisingly easy and fast, I have noticed a change in the last few weeks. It seems deeper and more intimate. A few years ago I used to dream of the day when I had a son or daughter that would lay the length of my body as we sat on the couch and played or rested. Since Duc and I have both been under the weather lately we have had much more couch time. He has developed a few new games while we lay here coughing. But in the last hour of the day he crawls up into my lap and lays his head in my lap or against my arm and we just enjoy being close. The little boy that was too busy for hugs now enjoys a long hug and the promise of a kiss-kiss. And last week while wrestling he feel asleep in the crook of my legs and I remembered the dream that I once had. The moment had finally arrived and it was incredible.

These days I don’t fear boys. In fact, when a friend called me this morning to share her good news I wished her a boy.