Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha' goin' to do?

You know how your mother told you to stay away from bad boys?  Yeah, I've done a pretty good job of it for years, but how could I have predicted that hanging out at the police station would lead to hanging out with misfits?

I've been enjoying my citizens police academy class.  Today we were "deputized", but I had a hard time holding up my right hand and repeating after the officer when he was a goofball (in a good way) with a gun.  Today we learned about domestic violence calls and what makes a felony vs. misdemeanor in our state.  It was an interesting, if not difficult, class to sit through.  Perhaps because I am a bit more aware of those issues since my mother counsels people (mostly women and children) following rape or sexual assault.  I know that many cops, even in this town but probably more so in the rural town she lives in, don't view domestic abuse or domestic sexual assault as a crime and as a woman it was hard for me to sit in the passively in the class and listen to how officers view it from their side. 

We also covered accident reconstruction and investigation and I will never look at our streets the same.  I now know what the paint markings on the road mean, the various radio calls, and point of impacts on the road.  We've had a number of pedestrian vs. car accidents in the last 24 hrs and they talked about how you can tell how fast the driver was going based on where the pedestrian body landed on the car.  You can bet I'll be checking out the damage photos in the newspaper now.

Following class we were in the car lot working up a reconstruction of an accident when another cop car pulled up.  I recognized the person riding shotgun as one of the ED nurses I work with.  After talking with her and the other cop, I think I'm going to look into doing some ride around shifts with them.

The more I sit through class and listen to the officers talk, I realize that their department is really no different than being a nurse.  My dad is fond of repeating a Stephen King quote "SSDD".  Same sh*t, different day.  Or, in this case, same sh*t, different department. 

When my sister and I were shopping last week I was telling her about the classes (did you know you can approximate how drunk someone is by having their eyes track a slow moving object?  Yeah, it's cool) and she told me she could see me working as a cop.  I doubt I would pass the physical, but I do like the process of dissecting a situation and reconstructing the events.  Honestly, aside from the the guns, ammo, spit and curses it's not really different than what I am already doing. 

My nickname is the same throughout the hospital and no matter who is addressing me: trouble.  It doesn't matter if I am talking to the cafeteria direction, the janitor, the pulmonologist they all seem to believe that I am trouble.  So while I will admit the cops are some fun guys to hang out with, but I am a little afraid I could find trouble.  Even with them.

A week in Review

• I worked in the nursery this morning at church and for a change, I didn't hate it.  I know that sounds bad, but I never had visions of running my own daycare.  Children are a lot of work--especially if you have multiple children under 12 months old.  I was never one of those women who received a lot of personal satisfaction from babies crawling to her, but today, I did.  There were two other workers in the nursery and yet there was something very good for my soul about feeling babies in my lap and lying against my back.  I wasn't sure why they kept flocking to me, but for once, I did not mind a bit. 
• I'm going back to Dallas.  In fact, I will spend half of October in Dallas/Lewisville area so if anyone has any suggestions about places to eat or things to do, I'm all ears!  My boss insisted that I complete these courses before the end of the year and I was left with no other options.  I'm hoping this will be the end of it so I can start planning my vacation later this year.
• Speaking of which, I don't think Kristen and I will be taking a trip to Hawaii this year.  With any luck she will be a MOM sometime in the next 6-8 weeks.  Yay!  I'm so excited and ready to be an auntie to a new little girl.  So it appears I will be flying east to visit Chennie and Peter.  I haven't had any good dim sum in nearly two years and that's reason enough to visit! 
• NO ON-CALL!!!!  I was quite nervous to open the October on-call schedule because I was dreading to see how many soul-robbing, life-stealing, sleepless weeks I would on-call and the answer is ZERO.  Thank you, Jesus!  I liked having the little bit of extra income, but I like feeling like a human more.
• My sister and I took our annual shopping trip yesterday.  I know it sounds like a big deal, but I should tell you that my sister and I are not terribly big shoppers.  The reason for the trip is because I will generally buy clothes once a year--yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it is true.  Not only did I get a number of new pants (I definitely needed them after eating my way through all the stress of this summer), but I also bought several summer tops on sale for only a few dollars.  It was awesome!  Within 60-90 minutes we both had everything that we needed.  Yep, our annual shopping trip is short and sweet!    
• I have been working on some blog posts about my post September 1st feelings, but I'm not ready to put them out there.  They are dated and eventually I may put them out there, but I am still processing through things.  Just an FYI in case some of my future posts seem a little dated.
• Why is it still so stinkin' hot?  It's almost October and I'm ready for some cooler temperatures.   

Weirdness Abounds

**I've begun to wonder if the crazy, poisoner was actually a prisoner. I know a lot of places employ prisoners because it is cheap labor. That really makes me nervous. I'm going to have to start paying for all the credit checks I'm having run**

I took today off from work so I could sleep. Truly, I am that tired and overworked. Would you like to guess what woke me up at 11:07 am? Not the cat (although she had been obnoxious), not the lawn mower down the road--it was a low flying plane. Yep, I seriously grabbed the cat and hit the deck and said, "oh, sh**!". Yeah, my sister and I have had the conversation that nearly every time I encounter something life defying that my response is "oh sh*t!". I'm not proud, I truly am not. I'm afraid one of these times it is going to be the big one and the last words I utter before encountering the pearly gates is going to be "oh sh*t". Hopefully God has a sense of humor.

The other weirdo moment happened last night. I HATE receiving advertisements from credit card companies, I hate that they sell my personal information to other vendors so that THEY can also harass me. So when I saw the opt-out insert they tucked behind my last bill, I wanted to make a point of calling. When I called a husky voiced from a wo/man (not too sure, folks) answered. When I told him/her what I wanted s/he asked why I called this number. Considering I had just given her my credit card number I started getting very nervous, especially since this is on the heels of the PayPal Fiasco of my birthday (someone stole my account and bought an Audi car). I explained that the number I called was the number that was provided. So s/he was chatty and was asking about if I had been affected by Hurricane Ike. It seems kind of stupid to even admit it since I live in the Midwest, but yeah, we got hit kind of hard. Besides Texas, we were the next state with the highest number of lives lost due to the storm. S/he asks about the storm twice (what the heck?). Then she finishes my transaction. I asked her what I needed to do since I am planning on going overseas in a couple of months. She then starts telling me to take Immodium because of the food. Honestly, I've eaten some foods both here and abroad that I'm not proud of. The last thing I want to do is sssllllooooww their exit out of me. You understand?

At this point s/he realizes I'm a nurse and starts telling me about her cheating ex-husband. She says since you are a nurse you will understand this, "I started dosing him with spironolactalone and an anti-psychotic and he was not the same after that."

Ok, does that scare you at all? Honestly, it did me. I didn't even know some of the effects of spironolactalone until recently (among other things it suppresses testosterone) but having some fruit loop on the phone admit to poisoning someone, well, that's just not right. That reminds me, I probably need to check my credit again...

Perspective

It's all about perspective. Sometimes it is easy to get pulled down into the mire of everyday life and when you are in the pit you can't see the beauty that still exists. As I've alluded to, there have been some very difficult things going on in my life that have absolutely nothing to do with adoption (how is that for perspective!) and I sometimes can't see the silver lining. I'm still looking for it one particular case, but what happened today was a reminder of just how precious and fleeting life is.

Nearly seven months ago, a co-worker and dear friend lost her husband suddenly to coronary heart disease. It was the kind of heart attack that kills instantly--no amount of CPR, defibrillation, medications or surgical intervention would have made a bit of difference. It was hard on all of us to see a young life snuffed out so abruptly.

Today another dear friend (she has been a silent star of my blogs on more than one occasion) received some difficult news. Her husband went in for some tests to rule out coronary heart disease since they felt the problem was actually related to something else. She was stunned to learn that he has occlusions in five coronary vessels and the cardiologists told her the one occlusion is called "the widow maker". I'm sure you can figure that out. He will need to cardiac bypass surgery quickly. He is a active, young, and has a healthy diet--this was an absolute surprise.

After meeting with her, I decided that our mutual friend and co-worker needed to know, no matter how difficult. Her response initially surprised me, but I got it. She said, "Thank God. At least she knows."

It's all about perspective. She did not know her husband had the same coronary heart disease until it was too late. At least this friend and her husband will have the opportunity to seek treatment and make changes that will prolong his life. Now I pray that some of my family gain the same perspective before it is too late.

Perspective.

It is well with my soul

Finding my Balance

I'm sorry for all the kvetching on this blog, I truly am.  I realized today that I have had a lot of upheavals over the last few weeks, but when I look back at the past year I see that it wasn't much better either.  Loss of job, adoption issues, loss of relationships in my life, and other ailments that I'd rather not mention on a public blog.  It's been a lot.  And now I need to find my balance.  Find my peace.  Catch my breath.  Slow down.  Ahhhh. 

It won't be easy, especially if my job has anything to say.  I'm not sure how to navigate through that.  Having worked for this company before I can tell you that they ask for more, more, more even after you have dropped from exhaustion.  It's a very different environment from my last job and I truly miss some things about it. 

Ever notice how when something truly awful happens, God comes along and gives you a little something to remind you that life is still good?  Well, Tuesday after I had slept a couple of hours I was still feeling puny.  Unfortunately, I actually become physically ill  (dizzy, nauseous...you get the picture) from all the stress and lack of rest and sleep so I really debated going to my citizen's police academy class.  I had already missed the previous week since I was in Atlanta, but I didn't want to miss anymore despite how crappy I felt. 

Boy, and I glad I went!  We covered car stuff--specifically, evasive maneuvers.  OH MY GOODNESS it was so much fun!  I got in the cop car and the Sergeant was weaving in and out of the orange cones forward...and in reverse.  Then, if that wasn't fast enough, she would take the car up to 50-60 miles an hour, hit the brakes and slide to make a fast turn.  And the donuts...the backward car donuts.  It. was. too. much. fun!  The instructors were very entertaining and as a nurse I certainly could relate to the stories--cop and nurse stories always sound remarkably similar.  The class has a very diverse mix of people from all nationalities and languages.  Professional and laborers.  Retirees and the unemployed student.  Plus, one of the students is actually the local police beat reporter so I am sure I will have some interesting photos to share with everyone. 

Peace. 

Waterboarding and other such tortures

There are all kinds of tortures out there that we use on the enemy and they on us.  If you know yourself well, you know precisely which ones will break you (did ya'll see GI JANE?  Great example).  I can withstand a lot of pain.  I could probably even handle beatings, but I have always known that sleep deprivation would break me faster than anything else.  Well, today I was finally broken. 

I have had one day off since September 1st.  To clarify, I mean a day that I haven't been on-call or been forced to use my personal time for work time.  After being in Atlanta all last week, traveling back late Friday (for which I wasn't paid for) I started non-stop on-call after only 5 hours of rest.  If anyone read through my Saturday rant you know how tired and stressed I was and now you will know how pissed I was that I was only paid 5 hours for 8 hours of work.  I did address this with my boss who bumped it up to 6 hours.  She seemed to think the fact that I was receiving time and a half pay should have influenced the number of hours I could bill for. 

I am a single woman.  As such I can not ask my 'honey' to take over chores that I can not finish.  This means that regardless of how many hours I work, I still have more work at home that can not be ignored.  If you follow that thought out a reasonable person would realize that if I am forced to work 14 hours and I still have 4 hours of home work, then I will be working for 18 hours.  So, yesterday I worked two hours over so it was 11:45 pm before my head hit the pillow.  At 1:47 am, the help desk calls me at home.  I was then forced to endure a conversation with the dumbest person I have never met.  Honestly, I am really hoping she has sort of vision impairment that will excuse her level of ineptitude.  It was so awful I told her to find someone, anyone that I could talk to instead to do her work for her (I wanted to tell her to find a patient since they were probably in better shape than she was). It was a challenge even with the second person.  Remember the whole conversation about "click the big red cancel button?" Yeah, it was that all over again and when I start getting that frustrated I begin talking very slowly and very softly.  This ignoramus actually had the nerve to ask me at 2 am why I sounded tired?!? 

After 45 minutes she had to take a break and said she would call back to finish the last item (the same thing we had already done twice!).  I called and left a voicemail for my boss in tears telling her we needed to talk because I couldn't do this anymore.  I was so exhausted, but the fear/anxiety associated with being jolted out of sleep by my phone ringing and knowing that there would be no end until next Monday, well, it broke me.  Every time I have tried to lay down and take a nap the last 3 days has resulted in being paged.  I finally broke.  I laid in bed crying and begging for sleep knowing that my body and mind were too messed up at this point to relax for sleep.  After an hour of lying there in agony I decided to get up and go about my day.  I wasn't getting paid to stay home and not sleep so I clocked in at work at 4:30 AM.  Let me tell you, I am some level of evil pissy when I am that tired.  Unfortunately, it didn't last long.  I was so tired sitting there with my trainer (who drove up from the Carolinas to work with me) that I actually started crying.  It wasn't even the fact that I was tired, it was that I was exhausted.  My boss took me off call for the rest of the week and I was instructed to finish up with the instructor and go home.  My instructor was awesome and told me she is the same way--rarely cries until she becomes exhausted.

So, now I am exhausted and embarrassed.  I felt like they made a big spectacle of it all (even though I know they took the steps they needed to take to let people know about the changes), but I still feel like a schmuck for not being able to pull my own weight.  I'm hoping this means I'm done for good.  There is no amount of money that numbs the pain of being on-call.  I am feeling so burned out right now that it makes it very difficult to go into work.