New Year's Resolutions?

A friend asked me last night if I had any NY resolutions. I have for many years disliked the whole New Year's Resolution thing. I firmly believe that if it is important enough to do, it's important enough to start right now and not wait for some magical day to start. From personal experience, any New Year's Resolutions I've had made in the past have been due to peer pressure and since I rarely conform to what everyone else is doing I rarely keep the resolution. Having said all that, here is what I said to the dear friend that asked about my NYR: I want to bring at least one of my babies home.

So here are a list of my Not so New Year's Resolutions:

1. Bring one of my kids home. I'm betting on Haven, but who really knows?
2. Get in shape...yeah, yeah, I know it is so cliche and every one is going to be doing it, but I really need to take better care of myself. In the last 18 months I have gained the weight of one preschooler/small primary school child. Yeah, it's that bad. I don't want to be the fat, uncomfortable mommy. I need to be in good shape so I can run after BOTH of my kids.
3. Keep a cleaner house. I used to be very neat and tidy, but I have been living alone for over 10 years and I'm not as tidy as I would like. It's a little embarrassing at times.
   

So, there you have it. I'm doing what I can to bring Haven (and my daughter, for that matter) home. I got my notarized copy of my home study in the mail yesterday--yay so I'm just waiting on USCIS. I'm eating healthier now that Christmas is past and I'm exercising again. With any luck I will get more of Haven's room cleaned out today.

Cheers and enjoy your Resolutions!

Home Study III--I promise this is the last post

When I returned home on Saturday afternoon I found a nice little letter from Homeland Security (wow, that was fast!) alerting me that they do not accept personal checks.  It doesn't matter that I looked at their website and carefully read the section about how they automatically and immediately deduct the amount from the account, they don't accept personal checks. Ok, got it now.  At least I know that they are fast and efficient when motivated.  So, I went to the bank on Christmas Eve and got a nice fat cashier's check and I managed to get it in the mail a good 15 minutes before the postman showed up.  I'm doing good.

My home study agency is closed until next week due to the Holidays, but my SW emailed me over the weekend to tell me that the coordinator had taken my file home and would be checking in daily to see if CPS had completed the background check on me.  As you might recall (well, if I posted it) I was faxed the new background check form on Thursday when I was out of town.  It must have come back today because my home study is officially completed!  A copy should be on it's way to Homeland Security and another two copies are coming to me! 

Now that I have nearly completed the dossier, I am starting to work on the nursery.  Well, I'm starting to empty the closet in Haven's room.  Small steps, peeps.  You should have seen the amount of crap I had to wade through when I emptied my daughter's room before it became a nursery.  Kris and I made a pact that once we decluttered our babies rooms, we would not take any more personal crap back into it!  I have stuck with it, but now I need to apply it to Haven's room. 

I have finally settled on a theme.  I bought paint for his room nearly a year ago and I think I will paint broad stripes on the the two narrower walls.  It's a calming grayish/lavender color.  My daughter's room has an outdoor theme and I think I'm going to do a similar one for Haven's room.  It will be the Jungle Room without the Jungle Book.  When I was at Toys R Us last week I saw the cutest 2 foot giraffe that would have been perfect...if I could have fit it in my suitcase.  I am going to try to find a zebra print rug or crib sheets.  SO, if any of you see anything cute that you think might work in the room, PLEASE CONTACT ME!

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to all you bloggers that are still checking your blog sites in between gift opening and chowing!

My apologies to those that follow both of my blogs because this is a regurgitation of the one I have set up for my daughter with a few additions.  Yesterday we received gifts from our extended family in Hong Kong.  I suspect that they don't share the same dirty minded humor that we do because I'm sure Chen would be horrified to learn what this shirt she got my bro-in-law actually means:

 

And as promised, the little outfit I bought Haven last week:

This was also the same little outfit I wrapped up as a fake present in order to announce to my sister and her family that we are expecting another addition to the family. 

Anyway, I'm going to leave you with a couple of "Christmas" photos I found on-line...some people have no sense at all.

I call this one the Christmas Whore.  If you haven't already read David Sedaris' book Christmas on Ice, I highly recommend you buy it on the 1/2 sale tomorrow.  Dinah, the Christmas Whore has to be the best story title I've ever heard of. 

  This one defies explanation.  I think Rudolph isn't able to get the lift he's used to and is now using a blown air propeller?

And my personal favorite, nothing says XXXmas like a little BDSM.  Shoot, I was going to ask for a ball gag for Christmas...oh well, there is always next year. 

Home Study Updates, Part II

I'm just about done with my home study, but I have to tell you, I was fuming a bit yesterday. My HR department received the employment verification from my home study agency in late November/early December. Because I called and spoke to the department before they received the form, I assumed that they would fill it out immediately, but I assumed incorrectly. I received a message on Wednesday from my SW telling me that they were still missing the HR piece. I called HR immediately and left a message. I waited until 11:15 am the next day and called again and left another message for the person responsible for verifying employment. I asked that she call me to alert me one way or another. No response. During my afternoon break from classes I logged into our secure email site and shot off an email explaining the time sensitive nature of that form and if she was unable to locate the form immediately, another one would be faxed to her immediately. My home study office was just getting ready to fax this chickee and to tell her it had to be completed my Friday or else...or else, I don't know but they were going to see a side of me that they haven't seen before. I call it the cold business woman side. I don't need to yell, it's all in the tone, speech cadence and the steely look. Anyway, that got her into gear. My final personal reference letter was also sent yesterday so I should be set. My SW will email me when everyone has signed off and it's been submitted. Whewww...It's a tough job to manage a dossier from afar. From here I just wait for my fingerprint appointment!

Home Study Updates

I heard from my SW today. She hasn't heard anything back yet from my agency, but I have heard they are a bit slow so I wasn't too surprised. More of a surprise is that the SW is still missing my guardianship form and my employment verification. I called my sis and she told me she sent it off about 3 weeks ago once I received the packet from my SW. I called my HR department as well, but it was after business hours. That one really doesn't surprise me. This is the same department that lost my application twice prior to ever getting an interview. I even called in advance to find out who it needed to be sent to, but who knows? I am hoping that it is actually at the home study agency and it just didn't find it's way into my file.

I'm so ready to come home. It feels weird to be less than a week from Christmas and have 60 and 70 degree temps. The maintenance people were mowing the grass today and I smelled the wonderful green smell of grass. It feels like spring so it is hard to get in the Christmas spirit. Evidently it is warming up at home too...Mom reported it was up in the 40s today.

It's a small world after all...yeah, you gotta sing along

It truly is a small world in the world of adoptions. Since arriving here and learning that there is a Babys R Us store no further than 2 miles from the hotel, I HAD to check it out. We don't actually have one in the town I live in and my sister never wants to visit the one in the town she lives in so I figured this was my chance.

I had every intention of only buying one little outfit for Haven, but, well that didn't work out so well. If you were to ask friends or family about my shopping habit, they would ask "what shopping habit?" It's true, I'm a girl and I'm not a shopper. For whatever reason I was finding all kinds of little boy outfits that I was loving (I promise to post pictures when I get home--my favorite is the little onesie that says "mommy's new man") Try only man, kiddo. I also got several outfits for my niece for Christmas--too cute! Who knew they made pink velour sweatsuits for 2 year-olds?

Anyway, I call my best bud, Kris, who truly knows how to shop and get a good deal. I needed her to talk me away from the bargain bin. So, I am standing in line with her dropping phrases like "no money" and "dossier" when the woman in front of me overhead and turned and with a smile asked something along the lines of "what country". She spoke my language! So, this is a shout-out to my new adoption buddy Stephanie who has been waiting for 22 months for her daughter from China. I swear, only China adoptive parents truly understand what it means to be patient and wait. Stephanie, I love your adoption blog and I'd love to add you to my blog log if that's ok!

I'm sitting here watching "The Biggest Loser" rubbing my Buddha Belly and groaning about the amount of food I have consumed in the last 24 hours. Ugh. At least the hotel has a mini-gym and I did work out today. I have an appointment to see my family doc the day after Christmas and I'm really beginning to dread that step up on the scale. I'm eating lots of fruit and veggies which might be contributing to the bloat factor. Ugh, ugh and more ugh.

Have you noticed that once you begin the process to adopt, you suddenly notice things that maybe you didn't before? While walking through the airport today I overheard two women talking about adoption. There weren't any seats available near them, so after I parked it, I went over and approached them. They were discussing domestic adoption and evidently it really differs from state-to-state. Even though I don't have any intention at this time of adopting domestically for personal reasons which I won't go into right now (because I get tired of answering THAT question also), it was very nice to speak to someone who has adopted and had a different experience with it.

Ok, new question and I hope I get feedback on this one. For my first child I got a tattoo with her Chinese name written in Chinese and a globe. The globe was a desire I'd had since I was a teen. Obviously, I plan on getting a second tattoo to celebrate the life of my son, but I haven't seen anything yet that makes me go "oh, I want that on my ass for the rest of my life". I'd like something that goes along with the present theme. I thought about having a shooting star over my globe, which would also celebrate Vietnam (check out a photo of their flag if that helps give you a visual). If you have any ideas or better yet, some photos or drawings, please contact me!

Wandering thoughts...

• I just heard from my SW and she has actually finished my home study draft today.  I just proofread it and called her back with suggestions.  She is going to call her boss today to clarify some things and then she will be forwarding to my agency.  Yay!
• A dear friend just called me.  I have known him for a number of years and I love and trust him even though we have of late, not been able to spend much time together.  He asked me,"How are you?  Is everything ok?  Anything new in your life?" and for the life of me, I couldn't tell him about this adoption.  I don't know why.  With my first I was biting my lip constantly to keep from smiling, and I am for this one as well, but I guess I am better about hiding it.  I don't know why I couldn't share this with him...especially when he was so supportive of the first adoption.  He and his partner are going to be "grandpas" for my little girl, so why not share the news of my son?  I never expected to be able to adopt a son, especially not this close to finishing the paperwork for the first adoption.  I feel incredibly blessed and I feel like Haven is a little jewel that I am hiding away from everyone.  Maybe I have just learned from the first that the less people that know the less you have to answer the questions all over again.  That sounds so negative, doesn't it?  I wish I didn't sound like that.  I guess I am tired of educating people constantly.  I'm sure the APs and PAPs that I have been bugging the last 4-6 weeks are probably laughing right now because I have been bugging them for information!  Laugh it up Jen and Kelli!
• After thinking and praying it over I decided to be approved for two boys and my home study and I-600A reflect that now.  At first I had a moment of panic thinking about it, but then I realized that I have had at least a moment of panic before starting the process before both of my adoptions.  As my mom said, "well, I guess you are done with your family at that point."  More than likely, I will not be matched with twins or both a young sibling set, but I guess it is good that I am now emotionally prepared for the possibility. 
• I am so fortunate to live in the town that I live in.  We have an Asian Culture Center that I have made contact with them.  In addition to Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Hindi, and Filipino language tutors, they have Vietnamese Tutors!  I volunteered to help with English tutoring since I have experience in this area.  I am hoping that I will get connected to those in the Vietnamese community and hopefully make some new friends. 

I-600A

I completed my I-600A this morning and happily placed it in the mailbox only to learn the mail had already gone today.  At least it is done!  It will probably take them a week to get it anyway.  For some reason it takes 4-5 full days before things mailed in Indy reach me, but my parents can send me a letter from out of state and I receive it in 2 days. 

My SW is supposed to complete my home study on Monday and fax the draft to my agency.  Hopefully there won't be any significant changes needed, but VN is different from China and my SW and I weren't sure specific things were needed on this particular home study.  I'm sure I'll be getting a call/email from the SW on Monday with any additional questions. 

Yesterday after work I decided to wander over to a second-hand children's store that carries all thing baby and child.  Before I even got into the store I saw a double stroller out front for $50.  I just had this moment where the light went on in my head and I thought "ah-ha, I'm having two!"  Just seeing what it looks like to have two small kids was eye-opening and exciting.  It's one thing to talk about my imaginary kids (as I like to refer to them until I actually get a referral), but it's another thing to see what two kids require and the space they take up. 

I have started reading one of the books my SW recommended and so far it reads very much like some of the books I read about China and Russia.  The communist revolution rolls in, land is redistributed, landowners (even if it was no more than an acre of farm land) are beat and/or run out of town.  The filth of the community take over and people start turning on each other.  It horrified me to read about it in college, and it horrifies me now to think of having to live through the horrors that they lived through.  I think my life is a struggle at times, but I don't have someone beating down my door and threatening to harm me because a distant relative has land.  In all of these societies, women are the ones that suffer most.  It seems to arise in very patriarch societies where women have little to no rights and as a woman, it breaks my heart to think of what women have endured for thousands of years and that there are still many women living in these conditions today.  I think that once you open your eyes to the plight of those in your world, it is almost impossible to shut them again.   That's my deep thought for the day.

Home Study--done!

Wow, what an easier experience it has been this time around.  So relaxed, so easy.  I met my social worker, Dee Ellen, today at Starbucks.  She told me there was no reason to go to my home unless I had bought a new home.  Been there, done that I guess.  Since her daughter lives in this area now, I told her to stop by sometime this Spring and she will have a chance to see both nurseries.  I know that the world of international adoption is a slippery slope and there are no guarantees, but I have still chosen to believe that my children will someday come home.  My baby girl's room is nearly complete--the only thing left to do is paint a mural of a cherry blossom tree.  If anyone has any skills they'd like to share, now is a good time to share!  I have the paint for Haven's room, but I will wait until after Christmas to start on anything. I think I might do a jungle theme of sorts.  

I really had a great visit with my SW and I won't go into all the details of it, but she always leaves me with such a positive feeling.  She actually told me I was wise to work on a concurrent adoption since I always planned on having two children.  She said I was being proactive and taking what might be a difficult situation and making it productive.  I haven't been sitting back and complaining about the long wait.  It is a long wait, but I anticipated that it would be.  I will admit that if something happens to slow the wait in VN as well, I may not be as calm about the whole situation. 

I told her that my pastor had joked with me that I might get referred twins or triplets and I told him to bite his tongue.  She told me to think about it and if I don't want that included she would remove it before submitting.  I'm not looking to be matched with twins, trust me, but if I was referred a twin I wouldn't want the boys separated.  They have already lost their bio parents, the thought of losing a bio sibling is too much for me to contemplate.  Does anyone have any thoughts on this?  What did you decide to do?  I realize that the likelihood of twins is unlikely so it probably doesn't matter what she puts down. 

Second question...can anyone recommend any good books about Vietnam?  She had an article for me that she copied from an adoption magazine and they recommended The Sacred Willow by Duong Van Mai Elliot and Paradise of the Blind by Tho Huong Duong.  I keep trying to find books that discuss life in VN, but everything I find discusses the war.  I realize that is a HUGE part of their culture and history, but I don't want Haven growing up thinking that that is all his birth country is known for. 

More good news...my dad has an extra week of vacation that he needs to get rid so he is going to come over next year (God willing that things continue and things become more smooth in VN) and take care of Haven so I don't have to send him to daycare.  Haven will be the first grandson in the family!  My dad is thrilled. 

I really hope the USCIS process is smoother for me this time.  I have managed to complete my paper work in less than three weeks and I really want to get things sent off as soon as possible especially since things are less stable in VN. 

I have already waited so long to start a family...the thought of enduring another long wait would be heartbreaking. 

Hormonal Surge

I think I am having a hormonal surge and I suppose it is normal.  In my heart I know I am expecting a child and it would be silly to think that my body wouldn't respond in some sort of fashion.  The same thing happened last year as I paper chased for my China girl.  The breasts swelled, I got weepy--it was all good. 

I'm starting to feel the same things again.  I'm hoping the breasticles don't get overly large this year because all my money is going towards this adoption and can't be spent on new bras or clothes!  In addition to the growing mountains, I have started becoming weepy over any child related thing.  I've heard this will last another 18 years--I guess I'll just have to wait it out and hope for the best.  I've also begun cleaning like a mad woman.  In light of the fact that my SW isn't coming to the house there isn't any good reason to be scrubbing my floors obsessively as I have this afternoon.  I guess it is all a part of nesting.  I'm hoping to go through the spare room, aka Haven's Room, during the holidays and get rid of a lot of stuff. 

In between my cleaning and sorting I came across the video which is sure to induce tears of joy from any waiting mom.  I dare you to watch and not a tear little.  If you make it through unscathed, well, I'm not sure there is really an award for that but you certainly save in the Kleenex department. 

The first song is Satellite by Collective Soul (I love them!) and the second is Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks.  I just love both of these songs and thought it was very appropriate for the video.  Are are the lyrics to Satellite:

"Satellite"
Soon a man will kneel to pray
Soon the light will burn our shade
And with the sweet the bitter fades
So my heart and take your place
Cause I will be your force
And I will be your right
And I will watch over you like a satellite
Soon reason will have rhyme
Soon wisdom will imply
And with courage doubt subsides
So take my heart and take my pride
And I will be your side
And I will be your might
And I will watch over you like a satellite
River will flow from scenes unknown
I'll guide you through by the love I'll show
And the stars will wish upon the night
That they could have a guiding satellite

My SW rocks!

She does and here's why:  she doesn't want to meet at my house for the home study.  Yep, you read correctly.  We are going to meet at Starbucks, have a bite to eat and review what we need to review.  She thought she could crank the home study report out pretty quickly.  Hallelujah!

Thank God, she doesn't want to come over.  It's not a big deal, but I'm exhausted.  I'm fighting off some sort of inner thing so I'm a bit dizzy, I've been sleeping a lot and nothing has gotten done around the house.  I could whip it into shape quickly if needed, but I'd rather not since my week at work is so crazy.  It's the first time since I started the new job that I looked at my schedule and wanted to cry.  It's so busy!  I have meeting after meeting and next week I'm in Dallas.  Thankfully I got some cookies made yesterday to distribute to the IS/help desk for putting up with me and being so good to me the last few months.

Tonight is my all-nighter and I'm already tired.  I'm going to try to fit in a nap before going back.  It's going to be a very long night...

Moving right along...

My social worker is actually a contracted SW for my home study agency so I think her schedule is more flexible.  I emailed her last night to let her know where I was in the process and see if she was caught up to me yet.  We have a tentative meeting set up for Thursday to have our official home study visit!  I'm actually pretty excited, but now I have to start cleaning.  It's not bad because it is still pretty picked up from Thanksgiving, but I certainly need to get the vacuum out again.  I don't think I will be nervous like I was last year.  I'm just so grateful that I have the same social worker again this year. 

I keep getting excited thinking how smoothly things are flowing and then I remember how things went last year.  Everything flowed smoothly until USCIS time--yep, they lost my prints.  I am praying, hoping, wishing that the same thing doesn't happen again next year. 

Orphans

I think for some of us, adopting is more than just starting a family.  We consider it to be a gift from God.  To think that someone would entrust me to raise their child is a huge leap of faith on both parts.  I can't imagine what the birth mother must go through when she realizes that the child she is carrying can not exist in her world.  Can you imagine how hard that would be?

Big Red Spot

I think I neglected to mention a little something about my visit to the allergist's office the other day.  My home study requires a TB test and a urine test as part of their international adoption packet.  Because I am allergic to thimerosal (found in the TB solution and some contact cleaning solutions) I have always documented on my personnel file that I am allergic to TB tests.  For my job, I am required to get a chest x-ray every other year to prove that I don't have an active infection.  Well, I explained all this to my doctor on Tuesday but she said that I didn't have a well documented case of allergy.  As a nurse, and as a nurse certified to give and read TB skin tests, I know how to interpret the results.  You measure the induration, not the swelling or redness at the site.  My doctor tried to tell me that redness indicated a positive exposure and that even though I have consistently had a negative chest x-ray and never had a single symptom associated with an infection that I might need to be on INH for 6 months (which would NOT make me a candidate for adoption in any country).  What the heck?  I wanted to scream it's an allergy and you are an allergist, figure it out! but I didn't. 

So today I wake up and noticed that I have a bright red, puffy area on my forearm where I was injected with the solution.  Oh crap.  I had untold numbers of co-workers look at it...some were certified in reading them and others weren't.  All agreed it was red and slightly puffy, the uncertified ones thought I had a positive reaction, while the certified nurses said it was negative.  Wanting to get it documented before I go to the doctor, my office mate pulled some strings and got me in to see the employee health/infectious disease nurse.  She took one look and said "it's negative".  She felt it, rubbed it, double checked and then told me explicitly why it was negative and then she nicely documented on official papers that it was negative and why it was negative.  Armed with those papers I walked into my doctor's office for the nurse to read it.  Two of them agreed, red, but no induration!  They completed my physical form and before the doctor could look at my arm, I was out the door! 

In case you are wondering, my pee was ok too. 

Physical--done!

I've had an appointment scheduled with my allergist for about 2 months--which is longer than I have been working on this adoption.  Given the problems I have had getting into my primary MD office, I decided to give my other doc a chance.  I called her office yesterday and said that I just had a smidge of paperwork...just needed height/weight and vitals. Well, that was a small fib.  They said it was fine. 

I walked in today and expected her to give me a hard time about filling out the home study medical form and signing off on my other form (thanks to Jen and Jonathan who e-mailed me the specifics--I promise to get a blog roll moving soon).  She was delighted to help!  She was so excited, the nurses were excited, it was exciting!  Actually, I was ok with it, they were the ones worked into a frenzy.  I'm guessing not too many people walk into an allergists office and ask for adoption paperwork to be filled out.  She even ordered the lab work and tests required by my home study agency.  She wasn't really sure what to work for the diagnosis code so she put DX: Adoption.  Yeah, the lady at the hospital registration desk just looked at me.  I explained it was a part of my routine physical which was a part of the adoption.  Hopefully that flies with the insurance company.  The doctor did make me promise that I would send in photos once I had photos to share.  She told me that she and her husband (also a doctor) really wanted to have a 4th child, and she wanted to adopt, but he wasn't too keen on it.  Anyway, that's one last thing down...the homestudy is the only other big item.  Yippee!  I just love marking things off my list. 

Let there be light

"Isn't this magical"

           Fat Bastard, Austin Powers 3

So, I'm sitting here at my desk about 3 hours ago composing another awesome post about life in the adoption fast lane, when my computer went dead.  Well, to be fair, everything went dead.  All the lights went out.  We were having a rain storm, but it didn't seem to be that bad.  I turned the computer back on and 5 seconds later the same thing happened.  After that I heard a very ominous sound and I went into my living room (with the wall of windows) to investigate.  Right as I was looking out the window I saw the electric pole (for lack of better terminology) begin the sizzle and flash from red and pink to white in color.  This happened twice and then everything went very dark.  Minutes later the fire department shows up.

Great. 

I had a lot of computer documents I wanted to type up.  I quickly called the energy company on my cell, and since there was very little light in the house in order to actually do anything, I decided to take a nap.  An hour and a half later I wake up, the lights are still out and I call again.  The message this time promises that the electricity will be on 5 minutes.  Well, about 5 minutes later the repair people did show up, but in their defense the weather was pretty nasty in the 1 1/2 hours before they showed.  Lightening and thunder that roared for over 30-60 seconds.  I was actually pretty concerned...and then I fell asleep.  I can't help it, my cat curled up on my lap and she is natural sedative.

I'll try to recreate the first post that got DELETED in the power outage.  My problem was pretty minor and I am thankful.  The house did get colder, but I am not suffering compared to those in the northern states that were hit with the full brunt of this storm. 

It's on, baby...

Many thanks to my good friend Kristen whom I met while completing my China dossier.  Without going into too much detail (I am after all, a very wordy person) here is our story.  We were both approved by the same agency last year to begin the paper chase for our China girls.  I am a highly competitive person, which is why I rarely choose to play games.  They make me mean.  My coordinator is also a highly competitive person and we were in frequent contact during the paper chase.  Every morning when the coordinators would discuss our progress (we had to have our dossier submitted by February 28th) my coordinator would say "my girl is still first!".  Until January.  Kris posted a message on our agency Yahoo site stating that she was DTC.  I had been beaten!  While disappointed that I was not #1, I decided to e-mail her a message of congrats.  From there we learned that we have a great deal in common.  Actually, we have a ridiculous amount of things in common.  In June I traveled to visit her in WI and in August she returned the favor. 

My big fat thanks goes to Kris because she has been the person that I have called, emailed, or left crazy messages for since beginning this journey to Haven.  She was also one of the few people who knew how much I longed for this son, even as I was paper chasing for my daughter.  While our journeys are slightly different now, I am so glad to know that she is still with me pushing me on.  I'm not kidding, she emailed me a list of things that I needed to get done for this week!  She's that kind of friend.  I know it isn't easy for her to hear how excited I am or how frustrated I find the whole process.  All I can say to her is, aren't you glad you didn't know in the beginning of the China process????  Many thanks from your neurotic friend, Erica.

In other news...I got my dossier packet!!!  I guess you know what I'll be doing this afternoon.  Yep, reading every single word.  I'm not a skimmer.  My first career was as a nurse and I learned that you need to read and understand every word of any document placed in front of you requiring your signature.  Even when I get my oil changed and they ask me to sign here, initial here and here, I still read the whole page.  Sometimes I just do it to piss them off. 

Ok, I know I already posted once already today...

I can't help but feel so excited! I remember feeling the same way when I started the process for my China girl, but this time it is different. Before, I was anticipating a 12-14 month wait (I have now been waiting 10 months and expect to wait another 2+ years). This time, I'm only expecting a 4-5 month wait from DTC to referral. I can hardly imagine. For me, this whole thing...it won't feel really real until I have his photo in my hand. Truly. Even though I have been working towards an adoption for over a year now, having that photo will mean more than anything up to this point has. It's almost more than I can imagine. To think that I could hold Haven's little picture in my hand next spring, well, it blows my mind. To think that I might be holding my little Haven sometime next summer....I just can't put it into words. It's indescribable. To know that these children that I have carried so close to my heart, that felt real only to me, are going to be tangible, I can't express what my heart feels. Bear with me for a moment while I revel in this moment...I know there are plenty of other PAPs right now that aren't so optimistic. I won't be able to believe it until I see his photo. I just pray that the rest of the process flow smoothly.

Thanks for listening.

One big happy family

Well, I finally had to share my news with the lady I share my office with.  It wasn't that I didn't trust her--I think she will be a great mentor for me and since she is married to the hospital's HIPPA privacy officer, I know she can keep a secret. I'm just private and I don't like being asked "how much longer?" by people I really don't know.  That is one thing I learned adopting my China baby.  Anyway, I shared the news with her on Tuesday and she was very happy for me.  The number of phone calls I was making to my doctor and whispering the word "adoption" I realized it was time to share the news or figure out new ways of tricking her so she would leave the office. 

Yesterday she asked what my plans were for maternity leave.  I told her I really didn't know.  I just hoped to have about 3-4 weeks saved up by the time I travel.  I pray that God keeps me healthy the next year so that I can start adding the hours up.  She mentioned that people can donate PTO to me.  Hmmm, that's good to know.  She also asked about fundraising and how I was going to raise the money.  Again, a big fat "I don't know."  I just assumed I was going to take out a loan.  I hate to do that because it leaves me really strapped once he and my China baby come home.  She told me to remind her once I got my referral and she would try to think of ways that I can fundraise.  She said, "don't look at it as asking for money.  Let people share your joy.  People here love to donate money for positive things."  I am not good at charity, but I realized when I started this a few weeks ago that I was really going to let God work any way that he can. 

may_day@comcast.net

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Papers and more papers

Well, I finally got my "official" application sent out via FedEx to the agency yesterday.  It is supposed to arrive tomorrow so hopefully they will send out my dossier packet quickly.  I have an appointment with my allergist next week and I'm going to try to sweet talk her into doing my physical, but I really need to know what the agency requires of VN PAPS for the physical.  For China I had to have HIV testing, liver profile (presumably for alcohol abuse?), TB/chest x-ray and a boat load of other tests.  My SW only indicated a few tests on their international adoption physical form which I am sure does not encompass everything that is required.

I also completed my home study application and I plan on mailing that express tomorrow.  Whew.  So glad to have that monkey off my back.  I'm not good with numbers and I really hate trying to figure out how much things cost and accounting for every penny I own.  It's exhausting.  I just feel like waving goodbye at the nice little sum in my check book.  Who knows when I will money in there again?

Now the work begins...

I was so stinkin' excited and now I am so stinkin' tired.  I started working on my paperwork last night and didn't get to bed until 12:30 am.  The alarm went off at 6 am.  Ugh. 

I completed my official application to adopt from VN and submitted it to my agency with a nice chubby check.  I then began working on the documents required for my home study.  Oy.  Although it has only been 13 months since the last time I have done this, they have included more things.  I emailed the lead SW because I was a bit overwhelmed by the amount and I wasn't sure where to find certain forms.  She emailed back to say that some forms have already been eliminated for international adoptions (there was a new fingerprint process which meant I would have had to be fingerprinted twice for the same adoption and within the same month).  She also said that some of the information can be obtained from last year's home study.  Whew.  For any prospective adoptive parents out there reading this, be prepared to do autobiographies on yourself and your parenting style during the home study process.  Last year I had 3 different papers I had to write.  The information was so detailed I had to call my mom to ask when her parents were born, when her siblings were born, what education they received and what careers they had.  In addition, I had to do the same for their kids (my cousins).  What the heck?  We are not close to extended family and never have been.  We've always lived too far away. 

I'm still trying to get my physical moved up.  My appointment isn't until 12/26 and that is too far away.  I called all the physicians in her practice and the walk in clinic.  No availability from her fellow physicians and the walk-in clinic won't do physicals.  I found another Emergent Care setting that I think will do the physical, but no guarantee they will order the blood/urine/x-ray tests.  Ugh.  My insurance kicks in next week so I will do it then.  The month of December is going to be crazy for me because of work.  I really need to get as much done next week, because the following week I'm pulling an all-nighters and I will be useless for a few days.  Then I am in Dallas for business until the 2 days before Christmas.  I really need to be done by then.

My goal, if I haven't stated it often enough already, is to be done by the end of the year.  I may not have my 171H, but I want everything else to be completed and ready for state certification and VN embassy authentication.  I have my 3 ring binder and a check list.  I called all my references last night (thanks Michael, Sherry, Kristen, and Anne), I spoke to my boss (I'm a new hire--I just completed my second month) about my China baby last week (I didn't know for sure about Haven at that point), and I spoke to HR today.  I think I'm ready for the rollercoaster again! 

So Excited!

It's so hard for me to keep my big news to myself!  I can't wait to be able to share it with the rest of my family.  My mom did admit that she has had a hard time picturing a little boy when she has thought of my little China girl for so long.  I have told her this feels right.  I wanted my daughter to have a brother close to her age and I wanted him to be a bit older than her.  I do recognize that they could potentially be the same age, but it will likely be a year in between the arrival of my children.  Somedays I think I'm crazy and I know that I will never have money again.  What's the point of having money if you have no one to share it with?  I will never have as much money in the bank as I want and my retirement investments will always look wimpy compared to what I want them to look like.  Knowing this has actually made the decision easier. 

I looked around yesterday and today and realized that at this time next year, my life is going to be very different.  I may be having Thanksgiving Dinner at my house, but my son will be here too.  The room I am currently sleeping in (since my g'ma has my bedroom until tomorrow) will be his room.  The computer that I am writing on will no longer be in this room.  It will be in the living room at a desk that I will have my handyman build.  All the plans that I envisioned for my house are happening, not because I want to move things around, but because I will have a family.  How incredible is that?  I can not wait to start the next phase of my life.  And I can't wait to share this with my children.  I can't wait to see what's around the next bend.  And I can't wait to see my son's referral photo.  And most of all, I can't wait to hold him in my arms.  I can't wait to cradle both my children in my arms. 

I'm IN!

Well, after anxiously gripping my cell phone close to me for the last 10 working days and hearing nothing, I finally called the agency to inquire. Let me back up a bit...I called their toll free number on Monday and left a message, but since the ring was strange sounding I wasn't sure if it actually went through. I have been emailing Jen about what I should do. She gave me the correct number yesterday and I called it today. The very nice lady on the phone pulled my file and saw that they sent me an application packet, but they hadn't received anything further. She said she was going to look into it and call me right back. Of course, anytime I'm stressed my IBS kicks in and my stomach starts to cramp. I was in the middle of one of those cramps when she called back. She had found my application. It had been affixed to some other mail and was misplaced. I don't know if they had opened it before and just not filed it or she reviewed it on the spot and decided I was a safe bet. Regardless, I'm in! She told me I should be able to finish the dossier quickly since it is easier than China's. I was also instructed to begin that process and schedule my home study. Yippee! I am over the moon. Of course, now I'm thinking about the money and where it is going to come from. God made a way for the first one, he'll make a way for this one as well. It was so hard for me to not bust with joy. I just wanted to shout it out!!

I guess this is a multi-post day

Do you ever have the realization that a relationship (or in this case relationships) that you have supported over the years are no longer healthy or equally beneficial?  I've come to that conclusion lately.  The one I am going to have to let go because she only wants to spend time with me when she is depressed and upset with her boyfriend or when she is without a boyfriend.  Somehow she expects me to fill some void in her life that I don't want or need to fill.  I've been sucked down that road before and I am the one broken hearted at the end.  I'm tired of female friends bleeding me emotionally dry and then leaving me in the dust when a new guy comes around.

The other is an older, single woman that I have been friends with (I actually met both these women at the same time) and we have some really good conversations, but she manages to find something about me to pick at.  Today she was criticizing my new e-mail account name.  Evidently the ambiguity of the meaning left her to think it was something sexual perhaps?  It's actually a combination of both my children's names and I can guarantee you that there is nothing sexual about it.  My daughter has inherited a family name that has been passed down for many generations.  It is always something.  She criticizes what I talk about, how loud my voice or laughter is, and even my personal beliefs.  What the heck? 

I guess the question is, do I actually discuss this with either of them.  Well, that probably isn't necessary for the first one since she only comes running when she is lonely or upset.  The other...I don't know.  She's a smart cookie and she will begin to suspect.  I guess I should just tell her that I can't be friends with someone that is so hypercritical of me.  From my perspective, why would she want to be friends with someone she is constantly having to correct?  There is a mean part of my brain that says "no wonder she is still single", but if I am going to say that I really need to hold that same mirror up to myself. 

Well Said

One of our IS guys is leaving our department.  He has been with our hospital for 11 years and although I don't know him, I know his mother well.  In his farewell today he included something he has written.  I found it deeply moving and wanted to share it:

"Often, we dream of where we wish to be, but do not know the exact path to take in order to arrive there—the place in life we imagine as our destiny, what we believe to be our purpose. Experience counts that time; persistence; knowledge; a good plan prudently executed; an understanding of one’s gifts and limitations; unconditional forgiveness interwoven with unconditional love; a belief in the paragon of unreciprocated kindness; an appreciation of beauty in the mysterious [or unknown]; a gracious acceptance of the unchangeable; plus inundant laughter all interact as life’s spectrum to help illuminate our way. Destiny, therefore, is not a destination but rather a patiently traveled, well-illumined journey, full of limitless potential when filled with determined, honorable purpose. ¹

¹ Kaufman, Joshua Michael “L'Entrée: September 26, 2007.” Le Garçon Obsédé - Un Mémoire Personnal. (2006-2007) The Library of Congress, United States Copyright Office. Copyright © 2006-2007. All rights reserved.

Stalled

Hmmm...still no word from my potential agency.  I really want to get them on board before submitting a fat check to the SW and getting on the dossier band wagon.  I wonder if they are stalling until they hear the outcome of JCICS meeting in Washington, DC next week.  At the very least it would be nice to know that.  I even called them this afternoon to inquire about my application.  I was forced to leave a message on their answering machine.  Perhaps they are out all week because of the Holiday? 

Lessons in Faith

I think there are many in the adoption world who lean on their faith throughout the process.  I'm one of those people.  I'm as guilty as the next looking to the skies for some sort of sign.  A sign to stay in, a sign to pull out--a sign.  The VN process looks like a scary one to me.  I had read that before I even committed my signature to the paper, but I am sooo not used to being outside my comfort zone.  With my China baby, I know that at the end of the wait, there she is.  I think my journey to Haven will be one that really tests my faith. 

The last two sermons at church dealt with stretching beyond our comfort zone and letting God lead, even if it sounds crazy.  I think that was what I needed to hear.  There is a part of me that really doesn't want to get too excited about all this yet and I keep trying to convince myself that it is all in my head, but it isn't in my head. I feel like Haven has tucked himself into my heart and I can't separate myself from him without breaking my heart.  I guess you really can't experience great love without the threat of great loss.  Love is always a gamble and none of us know where the path will lead us.  How many of us would willingly jump into a relationship (romantic or otherwise) if we knew that in the end it would never survive?  Chances are none of us would, but how much would we have missed out by never experiencing it?  

Standing Still...

Things are pretty much at a stand still right now.  I called my doctor this morning.  Not in.  I asked to speak to her scheduler.  Also not in.  They wouldn't reschedule me with someone else until talking to the doctor on Monday.  OOOKKKKAAAAYYY.  I guess I'll be calling again Monday.  I guess it doesn't really matter since I haven't heard from the agency yet.  I did finally receive my new packet from my SW.  I suppose I will be filling that out this weekend.  I can never tell how much faith to put into what I read on-line. 

I think I need to stay away from the yahoo VN sites.  In many ways they remind me the China sites, specifically RQ and I end up feeling anxious.  I sometimes wonder if it is the prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) that create a sense of urgency for the US and VN that wouldn't normally exist. I don't know.  I'm too new to everything to be able to say definitely one way or another.  It certainly is true of the China program.  If I had followed what the China sites had said prior to working on my China dossier, I never would have applied!  I guess this is what faith is all about. 

Strangely enough, my eating habits and exercise routine has improved since starting this process again.  I am, and will probably always be, a stress eater.  It got worse this summer after I lost my job and even after I started my new job, I was still night binging due to stress/anxiety.  Yeah, I know, a Xanax would do me a world of good, but I really prefer to try to deal with my feelings instead of medicating them.  I think a big part of my anxiety was in indecision over the VN situation.  In some way, it was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't quite escape the son that I knew was out there.  Anyway, I've been going to the gym regularly, and are you ready for this, I had a salad and vegetable soup for lunch.  The lunch ladies never ask me what I want anymore, they automatically grab the chicken strips and mashed potatoes for me.  In fact, I went through a self-serve salad line today and one of the lunch ladies asked "no chicken today?"  Nope!  I eat so healthy at home (yeah, I know, I binge on things like yogurt and pineapple) and it is time to do that at work.  Besides it just weighs me down and makes me feel sleepy all afternoon.  I keep this image of my children in mind and I want to be healthy for them.  I need to be healthy for them.  I don't want to be the fat, out of breath American in VN or China. 

I don't understand this weather. Yesterday I walked around all day outside with a short sleeve shirt on. Today we had snow flurries.

I still haven't heard anything from the agency yet. I'm hoping tomorrow. I kept my cell phone in my pocket all day hoping they would call. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow they call and I know how to proceed.

After stewing on this for the last 24 hrs I have decided to call my doctor back and get my physical moved up. I understand she doesn't have any availability, but someone in her practice should. How is it I can work in a hospital, know these doctors as well as my co-workers and not be able to get a visit with any of them? Something is wrong with this picture. Hopefully I will hear from the agency and once I do it is going to be gang busters. I managed to crank out a dossier last year in only 6-7 weeks (with the exception of the 171H that the gov't lost---11 freakin' weeks) and since VN requires less paperwork and less visits from the SW, I plan on moving even faster. My goal is to have all my documents ready by Christmas to be sent off for authentication. I thought I was competitive last year when I was competing with Kris (love ya, girl!), I had no idea I'd be even worse with competing against myself.

I decided to tell a co-worker today about not only my first adoption, but also my attempt to complete one with VN. She was so excited and happy for me that she started crying. I can't help it, I love that reaction! I should mention that I have only been working in my current job for 7 weeks so I was really having to trust that she wouldn't blab. She's also a very private person so I don't think I'll have to worry about it. She also said our boss would be supportive and would keep it private until I am ready to share my news. I don't plan on telling anyone at work until I have a referral in hand! That's right, my bloggy buddies, the only ones that know are you, me, and the entire internet (although I am not sure they care).

An answer to that most obnoxious comment...

The only people in the world besides my SW and agency that know I am planning on adopting from VN are my mom and dad, Kristen, and Michael. I fully expect that once I let it be known that I am adopting from here as well, that I will get asked that oh so wonderful question that every adoptive parent dreads hearing: Did you even try to get pregnant? or the other derivitive: Don't you want one of your own?

Well, finally, today the perfect answer came to me. When someone asks "Did you even try to get pregnant?" I'm going to answer with this question:

Are you asking me if I have had unprotected sex?

To really get make them reflect I can finish with one of two answers:

That's a very personal question. Do you have unprotected sex?
or
Yes, I have lots of unprotective sex.

(I'm kidding, Mom, I swear!)

I imagine the questions will get worse once people learn that I am adopting TWO kids. There are so many variables when you get asked a question like that. Do I really want to tell people about my menstrual cycle? No more than I want to hear about theirs. Strangely enough, it is typically guys that have asked this question so far.

Danger Ahead?

Yesterday I posted on a yahoo group for prospective and adoptive parents of children from Vietnam. I was actually responding to someone's post about being torn by two countries. While I wasn't torn by two countries, I felt strongly that I was supposed to have a son and a daughter. The whole time I was working on the dossier for baby girl I would regret that she might be an only child. I thought my son would come from China, as my daughter will, but God has a way of changing things when you don't expect it. For the last few weeks there has been a shake-up in the VN adoption community because some parents are being issued NOIDS by USCIS (NOIDS are notice of intent to deny adoption and USCIS is US Homeland Security). VN is saying that the child is now in the custody of the parents, the US is concerned that a lot more babies have been abandoned since the program reopended. Coincidence? Who knows, but the US is being cautious. I don't blame them. When people responded to my post it seemed as if they were trying to discourage me from adopting from VN for fear the program could be shut down again. Is this a possibility? Yes, but I would answer that of any country and of any adoption anywhere in the world. There are no sure things when you are adopting. It doesn't matter if you are adopting domestic or international, the rules are subject to change without notice.

This adoption is a gamble, I agree. But what if I hadn't listened to my inner voice and decided not to proceed? What if the program isn't shut down, but for some other reason down the road I am unable to adopt from VN? I guess I would rather take this gamble than gamble on not ever bringing Haven home. I just know that if God hadn't moved my heart when he did, I would never have made the cut and gotten into a China adoption program. I have learned to listen even when it seemed like foolishness.

On the adoption front: I had called my doctor in October to set up a physical for my home study update. The next available was February. I took it because it was better than nothing, but now that I am pursuing this adoption, I just want to get this done. I called again today to inquire about moving my appointment up and again was told February was the next available. I finally pulled out the guilt card and said, "Normally I'm not one to complain or insist on special treatment, but here is the situation. I am in the process of adopting a child and if I don't get my physical completed in December I will get the boot from the program. So what I need to know is if you have availability with any of your physicians, and if you don't, please refer me to another doctor." Well, wasn't that something. She transferred me to my doctor's personal scheduler and my new appointment is the day after Christmas. Ok, I'll take it. So, I hope to get everything else going pretty quick. Now I am not competing against time, I'm just competing against myself. Well, me and the fact that my documents can't be older than 6 months by the time they reach VN. I think going through the China dossier process has actually helped me because this one is a breeze in comparison. I don't need as many documents and as far as I know, I don't need my 171H to be stamped, authenticated, blah blah blah before I send my dossier.

A couple of weeks ago I called my personal notary (yes, I have a personal notary--in exchange for some time out together she notarizes my documents). Her notary reign ends in February so I asked if she could renew it. Mind you, I wasn't seriously entertaining this adoption at the time, but I thought it would be good for her to renew it. Not only is she going to renew it, but the company I work for (she also works there) is going to pay for it! They may not have official adoption benefits, but this one is going a long way with me!

Social Worker is on board!

The lead social worker for my home study agency called me today. This is the same lady that last year spent two hours trying to trick me into saying that I am a lesbian or promiscuous. I know that I live in the largest gay community outside of San Fran, but that doesn't make me gay. In the same way the gays know they are gay, the straigties know that they are straight.

Anyway, we spoke for a few minutes about doing a concurrent adoption. She wanted to make sure that both agencies were on board with it and I offered to forward the e-mails to her. Fortunately this time she finally believed me. She wanted to know if my family was on board with it or how they were responding. After talking about the various areas of my life that will be affected by two kids, she agreed to complete a second home study for me. Not only are we going to do the home study, we are also going to do the update for my China girl at the same time at half the price I paid last year. Hallelujah, things are already falling into place! Hopefully I will hear from the agency in the next 2 days. After that things are going to get crazy!

My Story

This blog is dedicated to my son in Vietnam. He has felt so much a part of me for so long that it seems strange that he isn't sitting next to me as I write or sleeping soundly in the next room. How strange it is to wait for a child!

I have started a journal for him, but I admit that blogging is a much better avenue for me to express my feelings about my son and adoption in general.

It seems only appropriate to start from the beginning, doesn't it? Haven's story started a long time ago. From an early age I knew that I would adopt my children and I knew they would come from Asia. It's hard to describe how these things are imprinted on children, but somehow I think God uses the young, those that have not felt failure or fear. Children have faith--faith in their parents, faith in their teachers and they believe everything they hear even if it doesn't make sense.

Just over a year ago I felt God calling in his promise. Even though I was single and had always been quite determined to be married before having babies, I couldn't shake the repeated dreams of a little girl and little boy. I felt God calling me to adopt a daughter from China and in a miracle of all miracles, he opened all the right doors at all the right times and I was able to 1) be accepted by a good adoption agency and 2) make the deadline before China closed the door to singles. I admit that I cried last December as I read the CCAA's new regulations for adoptive parents. I knew then that my little boy was not coming from China. But somewhere deep within I felt strongly that there was a son who needed me as his mother. I don't know how to describe the feeling...I suppose it is one that you know when it hits you.

I completed the paperwork for my China baby, but I couldn't shake the feeling that Haven was out there somewhere. It nagged at me and broke my heart. I named him shortly after I named my daughter. Every few months I would start to hit the Vietnam adoption agency websites. I sent off for packet after packet of information. I emailed other parents that had recently adopted from Vietnam and asked about their agencies. I read every article I could about Vietnam adoptions and when my Adoption Today magazine showed up in April dedicated to Vietnam adoptions, my heart melted looking at all the little boys that needed mamas.

I had gently mentioned it to my parents to a lukewarm reception initially. One day my mom was visiting and I opened an email from an agency that included info on their Vietnam program AND they included a picture of a little boy no older than 4. I'm not sure what it was about that photo, but after that my mom had a change of heart and my dad began discussing going to Vietnam with me when I went to get my son.

I admit, I didn't tell many people what was going on inside. I felt blessed to be chosen to be a mother to my daughter, it seemed selfish to ask for more. Last November in the middle of my paperchase, I planted a tree for my daughter. This summer I planted a red Japanese maple and named it for my son. This summer I shopped with a girlfriend that is also adopting from China. We were buying all kinds of little girl clothes, but I admit, I snuck in a little boy outfit. I've had it sitting next to my bed all these months. The hope for a son didn't wane, even after I finally tucked his outfit next to my shirts several weeks ago.

The last few weeks I have not slept well, I have been out of sorts and even turned my head when chocolate was offered. That's a bad sign! Last Sunday, November 4th, the feeling became so intense--it reminded me of the constant God nagging I felt before I finally agreed to begin the adoption process for my daughter. I went to church that morning and I prayed during the song service. I prayed for a sign. Something, anything that would give me some indication of what to do. By now you may be wondering why I just didn't do it already, well, I had some good reasons not to. 1) It is very costly to adopt one child, let alone two 2) I'M SINGLE, but more importantly 3) China didn't allow it. They were against concurrent adoptions and/or pregnancies and that was reason to dismiss your dossier. I couldn't and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my daughter coming home. That would have broken my heart and crushed me in a way I can't describe.

Ok, back to Sunday. During the church service, my pastor had a guest missionary in to discuss refugee missions all over the world. He mentioned that Vietnam was one of the countries responsible for producing the most refugees in the past year. My ears perked up. Was that a sign? I wasn't convinced. I went home and cruised my favorite recipe site for some stew recipes. For some strange reason Vietnamese stew recipes kept coming up. What the heck? I've never even heard of Vietnamese stew before. Not convinced, no way. I went to the gym in the hopes of wearing down some of my agitation. My walked/ellipticalled my way through 5 miles and felt no better. Until I got home. I checked my e-mail and waiting in my inbox was a message from Kristen reporting that the CCAA was now allowing concurrent adoptions and/or pregnancies while families waited to be matched with families. Now there is a sign!

I called my mom feeling a bit freaked out and realizing that was probably my sign. I thought she would be my voice of reason and talk me out of this crazy idea. But she didn't. She bounced my thoughts back off of me and I realized my biggest obstacle was going to be paying for it. I also realized that it was very likely that I would have non-bio twins on my hands! I called Kristen and she said the same thing---go for it!!! I emailed the agency I was interested in (since June!) and I wanted to clarify some things, including referral times. Evidently this agency is referring boys in 5 months or less from the time a dossier is sent! Oh my goodness! That would give me a year home with him before going to China for my daughter. I quickly asked for the rep to send me an information packet and I promptly emailed my home study agency to find out what their stance was on it. I'm actually still waiting on that. I got an unsolicited email from my China agency saying I was clear to adopt while I waited my daughter. I even talked to my pastor about it, who I thought was rather negative about the first adoption. Even he was actually encouraging and he prayed that I would have the strength to make the right decision. Wow, everything is coming together. I should hear from my social worker tomorrow and I hope to hear from the Vietnam agency by the end of the week. Every day that passes I feel more secure with my decision.

I can look back at the last 1-2 years and now I am able to see clearly the plan that was set in motion before I knew of it. When I bought my house, a 3bedroom 2 bath, I said "if I buy it, they will come." I am not sure exactly how I knew that. I bought the paint for my son's room at the same time I bought the paint for my daughter's room. I even had the layout of his room figured out at or before my daughter's.

At some point I will probably merge this blog with the blog dedicated to my daughter, but for now, since nothing is official and my friends and family do not know, I am going to keep them separate.