Love/Hate

I hate that my mind is so smart and my heart is so stupid

I hate that my children’s lives were so tainted with fear and loss

I hate that my children entered my life when I was so afraid

I hate that I am not always as brave as I think I am

I hate that after 1187 days I still long for my daughter as much as the first day

I hate that I have no roadmap to my life…but I love that I no longer wonder when my life will begin

I hate that the sight of a tutu reduces me to aching tears

I love the twinkle in my son’s eyes…I will do almost anything to see his eyes glitter and hear his beautiful laugh

I love that I can love my son so desperately that it still causes my heart to ache

I love that he still brings tears of absolute joy to my eyes…somedays more than others

I love that he still gets clingy and all he wants is mama

I love that when he wakes up at night crying it is my name he says

I love that he is teaching me to be brave

I love that he has taught me so much about love and courage

I love where my life is going…no matter how scary