Mother to Mother

There are days, albeit few and far between, when I think I have it together.  Happy kid, happy house, happy mama.  But most days the house is a disaster, the kid is happy, and I am tired.  Really tired.  Lately I have been more tired than usual and I know why and I know it will improve at some point.  But until then I awaken each morning hopeful that today is the day when the kid is happy, the house is happy, and me and my mama are all happy.

Today I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible daughter.  My sister warned me that my relationship with our mother would change once I had a child.  As the older sister with a completely different personality I poo-poo’d my sister’s warning, but she was right.  Unfortunately.  Things do change.  I have talked to a number of newer moms and the answer was always the same: the relationship between mom and the new mom does change.  I am not sure why it happens, but it does bother me.  I notice I am short with her and my responses come out sounding differently than I intended.  Perhaps that is just the way it is supposed to be.  The new mom has to learn and stretch her wings and figure it out for herself.  In some ways, it feels like the last rebellion.  The last final stretch.  The final thing that both separates and binds us to our mother’s.  Maybe we just need to know that we can do it on our own.  Maybe we want to separate ourselves from our mothers—make right what we didn’t like when we were the child.  Or maybe, just maybe, it is because we see our mothers in our mothering and we don’t always like what we see. 

I’m not sure why, but I am sorry Mom.  It feels like our roles have reversed and I don’t always like it.

Little man, I see you changing every day.  It’s not just your face or the length of your arms.  You are a deliberate, brilliant, challenging child and most days I wouldn’t want it any other way.  But other days…well, I look forward to bedtime.  I love you, Duc, and I am so grateful to have you in my life.