‘I will always come back for you’

Over the last two years I have found myself re-writing my son’s birth and relinquishment story.  There was a part of me, I am ashamed to admit, that hoped that I was one of the families that had doctored papers.  I wanted to believe that my son’s mother walked into the orphanage, kissed his forehead and signed the appropriate paperwork relinquishing her parental duties.  I wanted to believe that she was strong enough and loved him enough to make sure that he was never alone—that he went from her arms to the arms of the orphanage staff.  I wanted to believe that he felt safe and never felt alone.  That he never felt abandoned.

  

The more time that passes the more I realize that his paperwork was most likely very accurate.  The truth is, at some point he felt alone and he felt abandoned.  He felt scared and he wailed a panicked cry.  Perhaps it was that cry that drew the orphanage staff to his location.  I can only hope that his mother waited outside the gates in the dark until someone saw him and carried him inside.  If so, I can only imagine how she handled the anguished cry of her newborn.   Perhaps it wasn’t her that brought him to the orphanage.  Maybe it was a relative or a friend.  Either way, my son carries the scars from that time. 

 

Even after seeing how he gets upset when I leave him, I still can’t find it myself to feel anger towards his mother.  She made the best decision she could for her and her family at the time.  It frustrates me that I will likely never learn her identity because of the choices she made, but I also realize that if she had done things differently I would have never known him. 

This week a gentleman shared that he and his wife were planning on adopting once her body was no longer able to handle repeated pregnancies and c-sections.  They were interested in international adoption.  I told him what I knew.  That adopted children are NOT the same as bio children and they react to the same situations differently.  People view my son as a poster child for adoption since he is so well adjusted, friendly, loving, and happy.  But no child gets through their childhood unscathed—adopted or not.  And for my son the panicked cry every time I leave him, even if only for a few minutes, is not a ‘stage’ as most parents try to reassure me.  This is him.  Dealing with feeling abandoned.  It is me feeling frustrated and scared that I can’t make it better.