Sunday, February 7, 2010

02.06.2010

IMG_3194 There has been a growing unrest in my soul, a sense that I am on the brink of something.  A feeling that scares me and excites me as I wait for for “it” to reveal itself.  I’ve come to realize that these feelings often lead me to a deeper level of understanding myself that I did not know existed, a well of strength or a promise of a chance for growth.  I’ve never been a fan of change, but it was a feeling not unlike this one that lead me to realize that I was strong enough to be a single parent.  That I was strong enough to parent two children.  It’s that feeling that lead me to pick up the pen and sign the forms and why I continue to sign time and time again.  And here it is again, but this time it doesn’t involve children.IMG_3205 copy

I find myself searching the internet, looking for answers, looking for connections, looking for the key to unlock it within myself.  I should also know by now that it reveals itself at the right time.   In the weeks and months before my ‘ah-ha’ adoption moment I had conversations with strangers and friends alike leading me down the path.  People entered my life precisely when they were supposed to, guiding me without ever knowing it.  I had dreams of children that looked nothing like me and I could feel, I could feel this incredible attachment, a love, for these children I had never seen before.  IMG_3227 copy

But at the same time, despite the unease within, I’ve been more content, happier than I ever recall feeling before in my life.  Despite what you may think, it is not related to Duc.  He does bring joy to my life, but the feeling I have is deeper and something coming from deep within.  I realized a few weeks ago that I am no longer wishing my weeks away.  It actually came as a surprise when I woke up a few Mondays ago and groaned and wondered how long the week would be.  It struck me, it had been weeks if not months since the last time I thought that.  I’m finally learning to enjoy each day and the challenges and blessings that come with it.  IMG_3230 copy

In December I felt a shift within.  When things got tough, I got zen.  It has actually been a joke at work—how can I remain so calm when things are not going well with our project.  Even though I had a rough patch this week (between Duc and I both being sick and sleep deprived the crap at work was just the icing on the cake), I still feel most incredibly content.  IMG_3288 copy

I don’t know where this will go, this feeling.  Perhaps it is just a seed that must wait for the time of rain before truly germinating, but until then I remain open and excited about the direction my life is heading.  And hopefully Duc doesn’t mind being along for the ride.

5 comments:

Michele February 7, 2010 at 7:38 AM  

Obviously your inner soul is trying to tell you something. I hope whatever it is reveals itself to you soon. In the meantime, I'm really glad you are in a good place.

Christine February 7, 2010 at 12:24 PM  

I've been having a similar feeling too... but am still clueless as to what it's about. I can't wait to see your path reveal itself.

Kris February 8, 2010 at 9:39 AM  

i have been much calmer, much more "zen" since M-n-M entered my life. people at work comment that i should have had kids years ago.

glad your in that place. it is the best place to be.

Angie February 10, 2010 at 7:58 AM  

I think Duc kinda likes the ride! Enjoy the journey, girl!

Sorry you lost your email/blog lists...that's a big bummer!

Maxandemma@btes.tv
www.myheartsgivingbirth.blogspot.com
...just in case

オテモヤン February 10, 2010 at 5:11 PM  

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About This Blog

This started as my story, but has evolved to OUR story. This is the story of life as a single parent to a wonderful little boy while we wait for baby sister. China LID 2.12.07.


But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day.
Habakkuk 2:3

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