Jealousy

Is it wrong that I feel slightly jealous when I drop Duc off at daycare and he lays his head on her shoulder until I walk out the door?  Well, I do.  He’s such a flirt and he loves to flash his dimples and eyelashes at every cute blond or cute Asian chic he sees.  I am neither, in case you didn’t know.  He makes his preferences pretty known—a brunette who wants to hold him, he will ignore but a blonde that hates kids?  Yeah, that’s the one he wants.  And somehow, he makes even the toughest woman crack a smile.  He’s just that good.

Thank you for all your wonderful comments about my photos.  Really, I appreciate hearing the feedback and knowing when I am doing well.  I’ve reached the point where I have actually outgrown my camera.  It’s kind of bittersweet, really.  It’s sweet because I have finally reached my limits and I recognize that there are some pictures that I just can’t take due to my limited shutter speed and ISO.  Understanding why you need to upgrade is very different than just wanting to upgrade…or so I have been told.  But it is sad because I have learned so much from my camera and now I need to spend a little more money in order to grow.  Fortunately, I should be able to trade it in and since my camera is only a few months old (and there isn’t a mark on it.  I tell Duc that I love him, but I love my other baby also so he isn’t allowed to touch it) I should get a really good trade out of it. 

This is Duc’s new “up” gesture.  I think it makes him look like one of the zombies from MJ’s Thriller video.  Either way, it’s usually pretty effective since he usually is chasing after me when I see it.

One More Day

Today is one more day together than we had a part

Today is one more smile that I haven’t seen before

Today is one more day of stories, hugs, and big kisses

Firsts

First Kiss

Yesterday was my China agency’s annual picnic and although I still haven’t completed that adoption, Kris and I decided to make a day of it and see all the other families. I was at the registration table gathering our papers and I looked over and saw him in his first boy-girl lips-on-lips kiss with this little angel. Absolutely beautiful and just as spirited as my little man.

First Tattoo

First Lollipop

First Butterfly (ok, this is more about me at this point) First time I ever asked a stranger if I could take her picture I can not even tell you how much I love this photo. Because I didn’t want to look like a crazy woman I didn’t really have more than a second to adjust my aperture or shutter speed, but I still like it. I like it almost as much as the next photo…

Favorite photo of Auntie Krissy and Cousin CatherineYou can tell Catherine doesn’t feel very well, but I just love the comforting embrace that they are sharing. Kris and I started our journeys to our kids several years ago at nearly the same time. Although our path diverged somewhat last year, we were both able to bring home a child at nearly the same time. It’s been an amazing journey from single friends to single moms and I am so glad we met each other when we did.

Love and Healing

It’s been an incredibly difficult week.  Some of you know why and some of you don’t and for now that’s enough.  I just need to put some time and space between this week and my heart.  Duc’s Uncle Mike has also been going through some things so we decided to enjoy the low 70* weather and head to the beach for some sun and fun and food.  It did my heart good to see my two favorite guys playing and having fun.  Michael is also very interested in photography so we switched off taking the photos.

Duc is a very aggressive kisser which is why my face looks a little tight in this photo.  That, and lately those kisses have involved teeth.  And, yes, he did bite my cheek a bit in all of his excitement.

First bite of s’mores.  After the first bite he started fighting me for mine.   It wasn’t pretty.

It was a very good day and I am so thankful.   

Sweet Surrender

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just let go? Let go of all the things that limit you and keep you in the spot that you are living in. I think I am like most people. I define myself by who I am at this time. I’m not the same woman I was seven months ago, and I’m certainly not the same woman I was when I was at age twenty-seven or twenty-four years-old. I define myself by what I am—a mother, first and foremost, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker. I define myself by where I am in my life—a new mom preparing to embark on an exciting/scary new career path (part-time!), a woman that wants to return to school once the child(ren) start school. A homeowner. A job with projects slated through the end of this year. All these things root me to where I am.

Sometimes I get wound up in all these details, all these pieces that I use to define who I am. But what can happen when I let it all go and remember that the only things that matter aren’t ‘things’? Duc. Me. That is what matters. When you let go and let God really use you, take you where he wants you an amazing thing happens. There is a joy to be had in the sweet, sweet surrender. Sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning I found a peace that can only come from a battle worn place. I keep thinking that I should have more faith, know more, lead with my head and not my heart—but I’m human. And I’m me. And change does not come easy. I had to do some growing and stretching in ways that I don’t like, but I am better for it. So I gave up the fight—the struggle between what I define as right or wrong for our lives. But did I really lose? Somehow, I don’t think I did.

I love this photo of my dad and my niece. Obviously I don’t have memories of my father from when I was this age, but I can only imagine it looked something like this. I love that he looks so dark next to the lily white skin of my niece. I am surprised sometimes to see the pieces of us in her. She may have the face of her paternal uncle, but she has my coloring and has the little hands so common in my family. Did I mention she also has ONE auricular pit—Duc and I both have bilateral pitting. I love that my son has the same hereditary, genetic anomaly that members of my family also share.

Did I mention that I picked up my new lens yesterday? Oh, yes, I am in heaven! I have my first session this week and I am so looking forwarding to giving my new lens a work out (the above photo was taken with a 50 mm, but the one above it was with my new lens. I just love the clarity and detail!).

I owe a big thank you to all of you who prayed for me. I certainly felt it and I am so thankful that in this strange world of e-friends that you care enough for us to want the best for us. Thank you.

Dealing

As you may have figured out, I am working through some things. My coping skills haven’t changed much over the years—prayer and music. My brain and heart have been turning themselves inside out the last few days. They just can not line up, but things have been getting clearer. I have my first paying photo shoot next week and it is going to be a lot of fun. I don’t think you would ever believe me if I told you what kind of photography we are doing:) If you email me I will tell you all about it. The person I am photographing told several people, and they told several people and it looks like I will have about FIVE sessions coming up. Wow, talk about taking the guess work out of it! I guess I can finally let that issue go.

The other…hasn’t been as easy. So I pray. And I kiss my son and count my blessings.

Tonight as we were driving home I turned on the radio and the answer came to me in a song. It’s from the new U2 CD (which I recently purchased), but I had never heard the song before.

I know a girl who's like the sea
I watch her changing every day for me
Oh yeah

One day she's still, the next she swells
You can hear the universe in her sea shells
Oh yeah

No, no line on the horizon, no line

I know a girl with a hole in her heart
She said infinity is a great place to start

She said "Time is irrelevant, it's not linear"
Then she put her tongue in my ear

No, no line on the horizon, no line
No, no line
No, no line on the horizon, no line
No, no line
The songs in your head are now on my mind
You put me on pause
I'm trying to rewind and replay
Every night I have the same dream
I'm hatching some plot, scheming some scheme

And it suddenly became clear. There is no line on the horizon. There is no line in the sand. No line I can’t cross or something or someone holding me back. I looked at what I believe, what I believe to my core—a belief I hold so dear that I am naming my business after this philosophy. The break through I needed was in front of me. It’s still scary, but my faith is renewed. The truth is that none of us know what tomorrow holds for us tomorrow. To be happy you have to live for the moment—EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. As the song said, time is irrelevant and infinity is a great place to start. Start from what I know and work towards what I don’t.

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

Love/Hate

I hate that my mind is so smart and my heart is so stupid

I hate that my children’s lives were so tainted with fear and loss

I hate that my children entered my life when I was so afraid

I hate that I am not always as brave as I think I am

I hate that after 1187 days I still long for my daughter as much as the first day

I hate that I have no roadmap to my life…but I love that I no longer wonder when my life will begin

I hate that the sight of a tutu reduces me to aching tears

I love the twinkle in my son’s eyes…I will do almost anything to see his eyes glitter and hear his beautiful laugh

I love that I can love my son so desperately that it still causes my heart to ache

I love that he still brings tears of absolute joy to my eyes…somedays more than others

I love that he still gets clingy and all he wants is mama

I love that when he wakes up at night crying it is my name he says

I love that he is teaching me to be brave

I love that he has taught me so much about love and courage

I love where my life is going…no matter how scary