...of Duc and dreams

Before I woke up this morning I was having the most intense dream--it felt so real!  My cheeks were still wet with tears--sadly sweet tears, does that make any sense?  Ok, just to be clear, my dreams are very vivid and often filled with a lot of details so just bear with me for a few minutes.

I dreamed I was in Vietnam so I must have had a referral, but when I arrived there I was introduced to a 12 year-old girl, not an infant son.  My initial feeling was of intense disappointment--don't get me wrong, I hope that someday I have a daughter, but I was expecting a son.  I have little boy clothes (ok, it's only about 5 little outfits, but still), I have a boy name and a boy room.  I was expecting a boy! But there was something about this girl...somehow I just understood her and in a strange sort of way.  She wouldn't make any eye contact with me and she had obvious attachment issues.  Several other families were supposed to adopt her, but none of the families worked out.  She had grown up in the orphanage.  She shrunk away from me when I attempted to hug her and the very sight of her broke my heart.  The more we were together I got this sense that we were supposed to be together, but I was still wanting my son.  Whenever I would tell others about her I would get choked with emotion (hence the tears in the dream) and tell them how incredible she was.  I finally realized that despite wanting a son, I deeply loved this girl. At some point Duc enters the dream and I learn that he will be coming home with me, but they also want her to come home with me as well.  Because of the deadline I didn't think there was any way the paperwork would clear and the DOS or CIS would grant her a Visa.  But I couldn't leave without her...it felt like I was leaving my heart! As the dream ended, I had decided that I would live in Vietnam if I needed to so that I could be her mom as well as Duc's mom.  The very last thing I remember of the dream before I woke up is sleeping in an overly large chair.  The girl is sitting on my lap, Duc is laying across her and the cat (where the heck did this cat come from...it's not my cat!) was sitting on Duc's lap. 

It seems strange that a dream about a girl that broke my heart would actually bring me peace, but it did.  I don't know what it was supposed to mean, if anything.  Perhaps it was just my mind's way to telling me to prepare for anything.  Nothing is ever really in out control, even our hearts.  I think it reminded me that we can find love in places that we don't expect, even sad-faced 12 year-old girls.

I guess my mind was telling me I'm ready.  For whatever happens next, I am finally ready.

Mom Update:

Mom called me today when I was in a huge testing session/meeting to tell me SHE'S CANCER FREE!  That's right, the surgeon got all the cancer.  She won't need any radiation and the doctor has cleared her to go to VIETNAM!  She is also up to walking 3 miles a day so that's also awesome.  Compared to the last time she called me at work, this is a much better call!