I haven't visited many blogs lately due to a lot of computer problems. Yesterday it became painfully obvious that my computer had launched it's last website. I couldn't even pull any data off of it so I have lost ALL my emails and my blog links. So, if you are reading this and I know you or you know me--please leave a comment, preferably with your email address. My email address is listed in one of the links above.
Thanks!
My dear friend Jerri knows how much I LOVE trashy magazines. I won’t buy a People magazine, but I will devour a re-gifted one in no time at all! Talk about a guilty pleasure.
Anyway, there was an article on one of The Hill’s stars (can’t recall her first name, but her picture is above) and it struck me as kind of sad. I stared at her before and after and I wondered, is there a perfect race?
Hitler and his evil regime certainly thought so. Throughout history we have killed people based on little more than their ethnic identity—hair color, eye color, skin color, the shape of one’s nose, eyes or lips. But why? And what of our generation? What do we consider beautiful, what do we consider ugly?
For generations Asians have tried to whiten up with creams and those with eye folds were considered beautiful. Asians have also begun to enjoy the many miracles of silicone and a skilled surgeon’s hands and they are beginning to create their own ideal.
White Americans have bleached their hair and burned their skin for the past 40 years while black Americans artificially straightened their hair.
I looked at Montag’s “after” photo and she looked the same as every other nameless beauty in Hollywood. She could easily be one of Heff’s girlfriends or a porn star (evidently she got significant implants and wants to go back for some triple somethings…).
It appears we are creating our own “race”. We are creating faces and bodies that don’t match with the rest of society and are based on some beauty equation that I don’t understand. Since our ideal isn’t real, why do we continue to try and attain it? What is it about us that pushes us to become something we are not, something unnatural?
I look at my son and his beautiful caramel skin and his almond shaped eyes and I wonder how these images will impact his life. As an Asian American what kind of pressures will he be under to conform? Will he be as comfortable about his skin or his body shape as I am? I am far from the ideal woman—brunette, pudgy and oh so pale. Duc will never look like most the Vietnamese he will meet and he will never have the lean frame typical of many Asians. I hope I will be able to teach him that he is beautiful even if he doesn’t fit the “ideal” of many Asians and many Americans.
Duc has been frustrated lately. He thinks he is a big boy and he is frustrated when he can’t do the things he sees or explain himself clearly. But he is also so much fun! Sometimes in the morning when I am trying to wake him up and he won’t cooperate I run my fingernails lightly across his bare back as he sticks his diaper up in the air at me. It always dissolves him into giggles and he will roll over so I can get his diaper off. Tonight I was sitting on the couch and he crawled up behind me, spread his legs and sat behind me as if I was in his lap. He pushed my shirt up and began running his fingers up and down my spine. It was my turn to laugh—I’m terribly ticklish!
He is fond of climbing up on the couch or on my bed and patting the seat next to him and saying, “Mommy, sit!” It melts my heart and even if I am in the middle of doing something (like getting ready for work) I have to stop and lay down next to him.
I will admit it, and don’t flame me for it, under my breath I sometimes mutter something like “you ornery little s***”. I don’t say it loud enough for him to hear and I don’t say it out of anger or mean-spiritedness. It is quite the opposite—it is out of amazement and appreciation of the twinkle in his eyes, even when I know it will likely lead to trouble. Yesterday at work a co-worker asked me a question and after I responded (trust me, I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t say in front of my boss or my mother) she looked at me and said, “you are a little devilish, you know that?” Those that know me would agree. Those that know my son would say the same thing. God has a sense of humor, you know?
Duc was kicked out of daycare for two days this week because he had a fever. I suspect it was related to teething because it only lasted a few hours and I never medicated him. Poor baby has been sick though, but the MD says it is viral (I’m not sure I agree since we are going on 3 weeks of ick). He was tested for RSV (negative) and had to go to the hospital for a chest x-ray (also negative). I think he has bronchitis.
I have been so productive the last two days I am amazed at myself! Seriously, I woke up Saturday morn
I hate to say that Duc is starting his terrible twos because I don’t like the label. He’s going through a stage in his life that is causing us both to have some growing pains, just as I continue to go through stages within my own life. It is complicated by the fact that he is developmentally ahead of where he is physically and emotionally. He can do things that many children his age won’t be doing for another year or two, but emotionally he is still age appropriate. He gets frustrated so easily and so frequently these days and I know his inability to communicate certain things is a big factor. He is able to speak 3-4 word sentences and he can say some pretty complex words, but it will take some time until he is able to communicate more clearly. The family joke is that he is more understandable than my 4 1/2 year-old niece.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. Last night I came home from my parents’ to find that my ice maker went nuts while we were gone. It had poured water for hours and I had puddles all over my kitchen. My freezer was a mess. I had to throw out 90% of the food that was in there. All the drawers were filled completely with water in various stages of freezing. All the sides of the freezer with slicked with ice. I had been meaning to defrost and clean it out since some of that food had been in there for quite a while, but never got around to it. Well, I got it done last night. I also got every single stitch of our clothing washed, dried and hung up (for those that don’t know me, this NEVER happens). Today I also washed all the sheets and blankets and all my dishes are washed and put away. I went grocery shopping for the first time in 2 weeks (and saved $30!), made apple sauce and apple butter (I collect apples like they are shoes, don’t ask why), made BBQ chicken in the slow cooker, meatloaf. Took the babe for a haircut (totally hate it—I told her I wanted to keep the Beetle-esque essence to his ‘do because he actually looks better with longer hair on top and with sideburns. Yeah, she whacked it all off). Oh, and she cut him with shears. Yep, he had blood around his ear where she grazed him. Mama was not happy when she found this later. Getting his hair cut is very traumatic. He clings to me, screaming and crying, red-faced with snot flying. It is awful. I have no idea what to do so that he doesn’t get so upset. At this rate he will probably only get a haircut several times a year.
I was getting frustrated with my photography this week. All the pictures looked like crap! The red tones are too red, the whites blown out even when taken in low light. I couldn’t figure it out and I was wondering if something was wrong with the camera or with me. I kept looking over my settings and I couldn’t figure it out. Until I came around the couch one evening to find that Duc had figured out how to get the camera out of the bag, figured out how to turn it on, chose the menu button and began adjusting the settings. I had NO idea he knew how to do that, but he obviously pays more attention to me than I realize.
Duc earned himself a day with Opa today and tomorrow. He got kicked out of daycare for 2 days because he had a fever of 102.5. Apparently in his small class 2 children had RSV and 2 had pneumonia so the daycare wasn’t taking chances. Which is a problem for a single mom who has not been able to save up ANY PTO. I am so, so thankful that my Dad retired a week before Thanksgiving. Honestly, it has been a Godsend having him living so much closer. It still takes a good 45 minutes but so much better!
I got off work around 1 pm and took Duc to the doctor even though his temp didn’t seem that bad—believe me, I’ve seen a lot worse out of him! I’m a total weenie when I get a call from the daycare. As soon as they tell me he is sick I go into this uber-mother mode where all I can think is “my baby needs me!”. The day was traumatic for him. After taking him to the doctor they wanted a chest x-ray since he’s had a cough for 10-12 days and now he has a fever. Given the fact that most of his class is out ill the doctor wanted to be proactive. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get x-ray images on a little toddler? Yeah, it was difficult and traumatic time for the little guy.
My son has decided that Opa (my dad) is the best thing ever! Last year my mom would gloat a bit that ALL the grandkids loved her. And Duc does, but he really appreciates hanging out with the big boys. He loves Opa and Uncle Mike. Honestly, when Opa is here he totally ignores me and pushes me away. And it is perfectly fine with me.
At 10:55 am Friday I locked and closed my office door while my heart skipped happily ahead. After a quick lunch and a few errands I made my way to the theatre to see “The Lovely Bones” alone. Yes, alone and I was grateful for it. In the past year I have only seen a few movies in the theatre because I haven’t wanted to leave Duc with a sitter. Since I met Michael 5 years ago I have rarely seen a movie alone because our tastes usually align.
Anyway, I arrived at the theatre and settled in to my favorite section. As I said in my last post “The Lovely Bones” is my favorite book and until early 2008 I have read it at least once a year since it came out in 2002. I remember at the time wishing they would never make this book into a movie, and yet, here I was on opening day. Alice Sebold’s prose is so simple, but so achingly beautifully written. In a single sentence she breaks my heart and heals my soul. I remember the first time I read it I called my mom and said, “I think she has been raped. I think something horrible happened to her” because I could feel her writing from a broken area in her heart. While she did not delve into details of the rape in the book (the movie didn’t draw attention to it at all—THANK GOD) there was something about the way she wrote about the impact of it that I knew she must have intimate knowledge of the hole it creates. A few years later she wrote her biography “Lucky” which she details her story and as I suspected, she had been raped.
I stupidly forgot to repack my Kleenex supply. Of course I cried, it was inevitable. The last time I read the story I read it seeing it through the eyes of Susie. I felt the aching loss of her family that began moving on with life without her in it. I imagined the trauma and loss a girl of 14 would experience from being cheated on having the life she envisioned. I am reading it again, but I see it now through the eyes of a mother and I think that breaks my heart even more.
For those of you that want to know if I enjoyed the movie, I did. There were a number of departures from the book and in many ways they feel like two different stories, but that didn’t bother much because the heart was still there. The thing that did bother me was the camera motion and the surreal world they created caused some vertigo for me. I have gotten sick in the theatre twice before due to crazy camera movement and this movie really walked a fine line between just enough and serious stomach lurching. Of course, the fact that her best friend in heaven is a Vietnamese-American girl certainly makes me heart sing just a bit more:)
The movie, like the book, caused me to reflect more deeply on things. I thought of Alice Sebold, the author, and how the events of her life forever changed her life. She took what could easily be described as the worst time of her life and turned it into something else, something beautiful. Don’t misunderstand—I am NOT saying what happened to her was a good thing, but I am moved by the peace and beauty she has brought to the world through her writing. Reflecting on her story lead me to reflect on my own and that of my son’s. I thought of all the things I endured in my childhood and how many times I wondered why God chose me to carry this burden—I always believe it was because he thought I was strong enough and because he saw that something beautiful could come from my pain. I remembered back to 4 years ago when I came to a cross roads in my life. I so desperately wanted to be married and have a family. I wanted it more than the air I breathed, but every attempt I made was met with opposition. Each date was worse than the last and the last one scared me so bad I gave up dating. I decided that God had called me to a life of silent solitude. I began to make peace with how my life would be and began to make plans for a life without a family.
A few months later on the eve of my 30th birthday I had dinner with a 50-something single friend of mine. We reflected on life and I asked if she had any regrets. She had been married, but never had children. Her regret was not that she didn’t have children, it was that she was not married to a man she loved. My chest heaved quietly and I was grateful to the darkness of her garden where we were sitting. She would not see the silent tear that I hurriedly pushed away. In that simple question and her revelation I knew that I could live a lifetime without loving another man, but the thought of never having children created a desperate ache within my heart.
Four days later I saw an ad for an adoption seminar that changed my life. No, I never attended that seminar, but I didn’t have to. The seed that had been planted 22 years before finally began to sprout and a love for my then faceless children began to grow.
I am able to look back on the difficulties and personal hardships of my childhood and of the dark final years of my twenties and appreciate where they have brought me. I doubt I would have met Duc had I not had all those hardships and the thought of never knowing him makes my heart ache worse than any torment I have experienced before. I’m still single and I am ok with that. There are times when I miss the companionship that a boyfriend or husband provides, but I am still content. I have my son, I have my family and friends and I live knowing each moment we have together is blessed.
And somewhere in the last year I have finally learned to live in the moment, this moment. Duc has caused me to slow down and I don’t wish away my week while looking towards Friday evening. I don’t want to wish a single second away that I could be spending with my son. I wish I could slow them down and suspend them like helium filled balloons. But that’s why I am a photographer. I am freezing these moments so I can relive them for a lifetime because I know I won’t always remember what it was like when he was 19 months and how he made me laugh so hard.
It’s been a full week. I worked on Sunday. Got home late and didn’t sleep well. On Monday I was up late trying to get grants written when Duc woke up between 9-10 pm. Nothing I did would comfort him. He just laid in there crying and I can’t handle my baby crying! He has never much of a crier so I’m not going to listen to it…so I got him up. He was finally happy as a clam, playing in the living room while I worked on leaning against me watching me type. Should I mentioned this was well past midnight? Yeah, fun night.
I’m getting off early tomorrow—yay! I guess I should since I worked on Sunday. I’m looking forward to getting the house cleaned. This place goes to hell pretty quick. Or, I just had a good idea…maybe I will watch a movie! All by myself on a Friday afternoon! I’m thinking of seeing “The Lovely Bones”. It has been my favorite book for a long while and I usually read it once a year. It is hauntingly beautiful, but makes my heart ache for a few days after finishing it.
I sometimes forget how amazing my son is. I am not talking about the he's-amazing-because-he's-my-son-and-everything-he-does-is-amazing. I'm talking about, wow, he takes my breath away. He just has an amazing way with people and I have forgotten his charm and his charisma and his ability to make every person feel like they are the only one he's interested in.
Today I had to work and I explained to my co-workers that daycare is not open on the weekends and Duc would be working with me. To be honest, the prospect of it freaked me out. I hoped he would be good, or, if he was going to be bad I hoped that people would feel pity on me and I would leave early. No such luck. I didn't leave until 9 pm and Duc was with me the entire time.
I had to work in the ED today. The ED was filled over capacity with patients and we had ED physicians, NPs, PAs, consulting physicians, nurses, techs, EMTs, radiology techs and everybody racing this way and that. As soon as Duc would approach them I would watch their faces change. People he had never met and people who had never met him were suddenly carrying on a conversation with him and time and time again I saw them pick him up and walk around with him. He even approached a physician known for his incredibly unhappy disposition and talked to him. And the doctor talked back. And smiled.
The patients filled the halls because we were so busy. Sick, sick people waiting for beds upstairs or waiting to feel better. Duc would approach them and talk to them. He would laugh and throw his head back as though what they said was the funniest thing he had ever heard. Patients would hear him from their rooms and call for him to come closer. I saw these horribly sick people relax and smile for a few minutes out of their horrible day. They told me about their children or grandchildren or how beautiful and sweet Duc's laugh was.
I've always known he was special. Not because he is my son or because he is adopted. But on days like this I see the beauty of his presence in the world. In my world. In this world that we share with everyone around us--strangers and friends alike. And I am thankful. As one of the patients said, "You are lucky to have each other. God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you a family".
I couldn't agree more.
Duc, nor I, are all that interested in snow. It snowed a couple of inches last weekend and we spent all of 3 minutes outside before Duc had decided enough was enough. On Thursday morning the snow started and I knew it wasn’t going to let up. It was a relief to send off some emails and call the daycare and settle in for the day. We had a lot of time to listen to music and act silly. We banged on drums, rolled around on the floor and huddled close to stay warm.
Oh, and I took a lot of photos.
Rest assured, that is an empty bill bottle. I usually add coins or buttons and glue the lid short. Even after a year of this game, he is still very entertained.
I often tell people that Duc has blessed my life. But isn’t just that he blessed my life simply by being in it, he has become a sort of “lucky charm”. We keep falling into good things and while I realize that some of this is of my own making and is certainly built on my available skill set, it never happened to me before him. Some of it is because his presence in my life has brought me considerable joy and I am more relaxed in more areas of my life. But I suspect much of my fortunate is actually Duc.
Late last year the local newspaper began a photography contest for amateurs and professionals alike. Since it was in the environmental section of the newspaper (I live in a very “green” town) and they wanted to highlight the environment and it had to be photographed in 2009 and in the state of Indiana. As you know, I take zillions of photos of Duc, but NONE of my photos really fit the criteria. So I submitted this photo:
I received an email yesterday notifying me that I had won. You can’t even imagine how surprised I was that I had won. As I expressed surprise to one of the judges today he said “cute certainly doesn’t hurt”. Yeah, Duc is cute. We won a few small gifts and his photo will be blown up and prominently displayed in Friday’s paper. Pretty darn cool. They asked for some bio info on both of us and I included some cute things about Duc and about what I do for a living. In addition, and on a whim, I shared the new photography project I am undertaking. I’m not yet ready to talk specifics, but it is huge. Like really huge. Like, I am looking for funding to support the the project. It will take the entire year and will likely spill over into next year. It is not a “typical” photo job and is completely self-directed. If this actually works it will involve the three biggest passions I have had ever had in my adult life. Huge. Say a prayer, cross fingers, send vibes or whatever else you do but definitely keep this in your thoughts. I’m really excited! When I mentioned my project idea to the newspaper judge she was really excited by the idea (evidently no one has ever heard of anyone pursuing a similar project so yay!) and is going to bounce my project over to a reporter to write a story up on it to draw attention. Hopefully this will bring the necessary participants needed and *hopefully* some funding. Only time will tell.
If any of you have any experiencing for finding grants please contact me!
Oh, and if anyone thinks he is sitting on the potty in the above photo let me assure you he is not! He was sitting on the couch with his feet on the floor. It’s just an odd angle, which I kinda like:)
We had another great day today. The last couple of weeks have been rough—sometimes I think it is him. He’s stretching physically and he is also stretching to see how far he can take something. He’s been whiny which isn’t his normal self. Other times I think it is just me—I’m tired, he senses I’m tired and have less energy which means he works harder to keep all of my attention. This time I think it is actually related to two things—the holidays and all the crap he was eating. I know people say that sugar doesn’t have any impact on a child’s behavior, but I really think they are wrong. I’ve seen him wound up like top after eating a cookie and he is seriously whiny and cranky afterwards. I think he was also missing sleep due to the holiday excitement. And, honestly, I think he just missed me.
This weekend we’ve had some serious play time and as a result, snuggle time. It has been so awesome! I left briefly yesterday to make a run to the bank and the post office. I finally, with exactly 3 weeks remaining on my current 171-H, mailed off an updated home study and I-600A application. Initially I think I was subconsciously “forgetting” but as the weeks passed it became more of a conscious effort. I even set up reminders with my Outlook email account to force me along, but I just kept putting them off.
The last time I completed this I-600 I was still awaiting Duc’s referral. I was still keyed up and anxious to at least get one of my kids home. Now….I don’t know. I know I want a daughter. If you follow this blog at all you know I want a daughter. This all started with her and my family won’t feel complete without her. I suppose now that I have Duc, and as I have watched China’s referrals slow to a very slow crawl I’ve begun to lose hoping of ever seeing her face. The push to keep moving because there is a hope to a completion of the journey, well, it just isn’t there any more. I feel antsy and unsettled about this. I don’t feel I can give up. I’ve come to far and my heart just hasn’t given up yet. I’m already in line and I will never have the opportunity to adopt from China so I am sticking in it. Even though I am sticking to it it is a challenge to keep the faith and believe I will someday see her face.
And these are for my Dad. Duc loves Opa. Opa loves Duc. Duc watches and copies everything that Opa does. Not always such a good thing, especially when he is showing him his “see food” trick.
Wow, we had a great first day of 2010! I hope this is a good indication of what the rest of the year will be like!
I’m not sure what it was specifically, but being able to sleep until 8 AM made a huge difference. Duc has been waking up at 6 AM lately, but I was able to roll over and go back to sleep, as he did also.
We had a sprinkle of cinnamon ‘n sugar on our toast for breakfast and it was yummy!
I finally got Duc down for a nap around 10:30 and I got busy! Seriously, I got really busy and really organized. I was really impressed! I tend to pile items—on desks, tabletops, even on top of the TV. It is a bad habit, but I have an organization system, but if I don’t have time to follow through I pile so I don’t lose anything. Sounds backward, I realize. Anyway, I managed to clear through a LOT. I think the next time my family or friends visit they will definitely notice. Some of the stuff I uncovered, well, I am embarrassed to admit it was 6-12 months old.
I also had time to read part of a book this morning (yeah, I know, I was really productive!). It’s a photographer who’s work I really enjoy. He actually gets paid by NGOs, like those supporting orphanages and orphan relief, to take photos to draw attention to their cause. His work is amazing and his pictures, even with just one frame, tell a story. Breathtaking, amazing. The book is actually about the business side of photography and identifying and branding yourself. It is forcing me to define what I want to be as a photographer. I thought that would be something I would struggle with, but as I read I realize I already know what kind of photographer I want to be. From the beginning I wanted my photos to actually mean something. Not that taking pictures of families and kids doesn’t mean something—it captures that precise moment when their child was that age and doing whatever cute thing you thought you would remember forever but promptly forgot as soon as s/he did something new. I cherish all the photos I have of Duc and me together. I’ve never liked having my photo taken before, but he has changed all that for me. I have some ideas on how to get moving in that direction, and oddly enough, the logo that Lauren is working on for me rather reflects my personal philosophy. My mom recently made some joke about me “having balls” and I think I am definitely going to have to be brave and step out and do this.
After lunch Duc and I went to Michaels store for some stuff. I had a coupon and a list so I wasn’t leaving without getting everything I wanted. I did pretty good—finally got some frames for some embroidered pieces I bought in Vietnam over a year ago. I am also adding artwork and organizing my kitchen. Several months ago I had a small scale remodel, but I still don’t have all my cabinets painted (which is why I still haven’t added updated photos to facebook). Thankfully my dad recently retired and volunteered to do it so I don’t have to use my non-existent PTO to paint. This is when it is so inconvenient to be a single mom. Normally I would have knocked that out in a weekend, but with Duc it just isn’t possible…unless he isn’t here while I work and I don’t like being away from him any more than I have to.
I rarely ever commit to New Year’s Resolutions. It’s not that I’m not capable of following through with them, I just rarely ever make them. Well, over the last few weeks I’ve decided that this is going to change in ‘10.
Here it is:
I’m going to de-mommify my life a bit.
Does that make sense? For an entire year I devoted every moment to my son. I don’t regret it at all—I needed it just as much as he did but the time has come for me to be a woman again. Honestly, my wardrobe has taken a serious hit. it’s a good day when I go into work without any food food debris on my shirt (courtesy of Duc, of course). It’s rare that I have matching socks on and rarer still that I wear any jewelry (again, thanks to Duc. A number of bracelets and necklaces have been broken due to his quick little hands), and my beautiful lipstick sits unused in my bathroom. In the last year I can count the number of times on one hand that I left home without Duc in tow. On that same hand I can count the number of movies I saw also. Again, I don’t regret this a bit. I work full time and I needed that time with him as much as he needed it.
So here is the plan:
And since I cheated you out of Christmas photos…
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