How do you know you are ready to parent?

I have asked a lot of parents this question and every answer is the same: you are never ready to parent.  You never feel prepared for the lack of sleep, you never think you will have enough emotional fortitude for what's ahead, and most say they never felt they had enough money to have children.  I'm sure even Brangelina had a moment when they said, "But Brad/Angie, we can't possibly support a family of 8 on $40 million a year!"  Don't forget they have to pay for nannies, private tutors, and all the support personnel that come with being beautiful, rich and famous in the US.

Well, this morning I had a moment where I thought I might be ready.  The cat had been asleep literally on my butt when woke up, took a few steps and yakked.  And I didn't get up.  Yep, the cat puked on my bed and I didn't even bother turning the light on.  I just petted her to make sure was ok and rolled over. 

I'm hoping that means I'm getting stronger for the day when my someday children are finally home.  Puke is my Kryptonite.

From the wassup guys

Wassup 2008
by 60Frames

I know I've been a bit blog lite, video heavy lately, but I think you might be interested in this one.  I've been good to keep my politics to myself, but this one also entertained me. 

You might remember them from the following commercial several years ago, or as I like to refer to it, my dad's annoying "wassup" phase.

Where in the world

A friend sent me an email and called me out on the fact that I haven't been blogging as much. It's true, I admit. I'm hoping to reverse that trend soon, but the honest truth is that I have been extremely busy. It's been nuts at home and at work. I'm not going to go into detail (yet?) on this blog because it is a public blog and there are certain things that I don't need in print that might hang me later. Let's just say work has become a bit frustrating of late. One of my co-workers was fired/quit (depends on who you talk to), my office mate quit today, and the other analyst has cut her hours down from 5 days a week to 3. That just leaves me standing. And I am leaving on my big ass vacation in a few weeks. I haven't had a vacation in....well, I don't recall. Not since I was laid off in summer of 2007, and trust me, that was no vacation. I am going to take all my PTO and blow it at one great vacation. I deserve to treat myself a little (or a lot) because it has been an incredibly challenging year.

I am really looking forward to getting away and visiting with Chennie and Peter. I'm hoping we will get some really good dim sum. Short of living around San Fran, it's impossible to find decent dim sum in the states. I'm looking forward to the busy streets and the smells of a large Asian city. It just doesn't compare to any Western city anywhere. I actually enjoy the discombobulated feeling of stepping off the plane and realizing "I'm in a foreign country" and every thing feels new, strange and foreign. I feel most alive in those moments--when I have no footing and am forced to find my balance once again. I feel like I am living on the edge with no one to tell me what to do or where to go. There is a freedom and a bit of risk in realizing that at that moment no one actually knows where you are in the world.

Hong Kong was a coming of age city for me and still holds an incredible place in my heart. For those that know me well they will be surprised to know that I was once a very quiet, doubting person. Until at the age of fifteen when I traveled to Hong Kong to spend the summer with a foreign exchange student I met. There were no background checks or forms to fill out--I didn't travel with some sort of student exchange. I was just a girl visiting another girl's home land. It was awesome. It was the first time I had been away from my parents for any extended period of time and had NO contact with them. At that time English was not widely spoken and signs were all in Cantonese. I can count the number of non-Chinese that I saw that summer on one hand. It was absolute culture immersion and I loved it. I had to learn to navigate the city by myself with no grasp of the language. I grew up. After I came home I didn't have doubts about the decisions I made--right or wrong. I wasn't afraid of screwing up. I always knew that I was interested in different people, but I think that laid the groundwork for my future schooling as an anthropologist.

When I started this post I was going to talk about the fire-breathing chili cook-off the IS department hosted today. It's a big deal; like Christmas for nerds. I was going to tell you about Tony's "Farm" Chili which actually included animals from his farm (and he doesn't have cows or pigs so try not to think too hard about that one). Instead I am looking ahead and remembering the summer I grew up and became an adult and about the city that gave that to me. I can't wait for my new adventure to begin.

PSA on the Flu

An apple a day...

I was too lazy/busy to plant a garden this summer so I missed out on the joys of harvest.  Today a new neighbor stopped by my house and asked if she could pick some apples.  Evidently I have a rather rare type of apple tree and even though the poor tree has not been pruned EVER, she wanted to try a couple of apples.  In addition, she placed some picked apples on my porch.  Honestly, they don't look anything like what you see at Kroger or Marsh.  They were small, really dark and pitted looking but oh my goodness were they good!  They were very firm and slightly tart (my favorite kind!). This is the third fall I have lived in this house and never once have I tried those apples.  What a shame!  I am picturing all the beautiful apple pies, apple butter and apple sauce that is in my future!

I'm back....in Texas

I am really starting to like it here. It is bright and sunny and the people are wonderful. My flight was great--except for the take off. Evidently the goal is to get to cruising altitude as quickly as possible because it cuts down on gas prices. Oy, I think I left my stomach behind me. Have you ever noticed that the plane gets incredibly quiet during take-off? No one says a word, everyone is quiet, almost reverent. It makes sense, really, it feels like we are defying gravity and possibly God. Maybe we are paying respect (or holding our breaths) by being quiet.

I am staying at a different hotel this time and I don't think I like it. I miss the other people (ok, how lame is it that I know a lot of hotel staff by name?) and they don't have HBO!?! Darn it, I was looking forward to watching True Blood and the other 70 or so channels the other place has. This place only has 20 or so channels. Granted, I don't have cable at home so I only have about 6 channels. No VH1? How am I possibly going to enjoy my workation now? No TNT, TBS or USA? I might as well be at home. Oh well.

Diamonds and pearls, oh my

I have been busy.  Really busy.  I can't go into all the details right now because I am that busy. 

I went to church this morning and got so busy after I returned home, that I didn't realize until after I did the dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, paying of bills and other things that I was wearing my pearls and diamonds.  I got a glimpse of myself wearing my pearl necklace and ratty denim shirt and I was kind of taken back.  So this is what today's June Cleaver looks like? 

I'm heading to Dallas once again.  This time I will be traveling with my office mate so I may not have as much time for blogging as last week.  I always stay at the same hotel because I like the staff, hot breakfast and dinner and the easy access to a Super Target across the street.  My office mate wanted to stay at another hotel because it has other amenities.  Personally, I think the big-a** mall next door is probably the amenity that she is most interested in.  Hopefully this will give me a chance to catch up on some movies. 

Oh, and I did see the Oliver Stone movie "W" yesterday.  It's no secret that I don't like the guy, but I was worried that he would be represented in a negative light.  While I don't agree with him, he is still the leader of our country and I am uncomfortable with the US making negative movies about our leaders that are then exported to foreign countries.  Surprisingly, I liked it.  I didn't feel it made fun of him.  I actually began to *gulp* like him.   I thought that was amazing--Stone actually made me like the guy.  I don't know--hopefully this is one thing that Republicans and Democrats can actually share.

Can anyone explain to me why it was warm enough to use my AC a few days ago, but now my heat is on?  I woke up this morning to a 60* house.  I'd had enough--I had to turn on the heat.   

Last night's fortune

This was the message in last night's fortune cookie:

"You have a strong desire for a home and your family comes first"

I wonder what magical things are in the cards for me now...

(fortunately this fortune hasn't popped up yet!)

Fun with the Fingerprints

I love to read and I especially love to read the newspaper which is why I thought I'd pass this little tidbit on to all you in adoption land.

The US is preparing for another census. Since there are over 305 million people living in the US they will need 3.8 million workers to help with the effort. HOWEVER, they will all need to be fingerprinted and undergo an FBI back ground check. Does that sound familiar? Doesn't CIS send our prints to the FBI to scan through their databases before we receive a 171H? If so, I feel very very sorry for both CIS and FBI.

Fun with Eggs

Scrambled eggs aren't supposed have blue and green in them with crunchy stuff, are they? I'm concerned. I tried to pick around it and eat only those parts that looked yellow, but who the heck knows at this point. The breakfast at the hotel always starts nicely on Monday but quickly turns bad. By Friday I'm probably going to be picking through moldy bagels and the fruit will have turned south.

I did make a Target run last night and have a new package of Rolaids Plus (with gas relief...haha) to help with the other effects of the food. Only 60 more hours and I will be home!

Fun with Cheese

I'm not actually lactose intolerant. I am allergic to casein, a milk protein, but the end result is the same. Evidently the Texans put cheese on EVERYTHING...even things mid-westerners don't (hello...we have a lot of cows too, but c'mon, this is crazy). Yesterday afternoon was rough. In addition to the little caffeine issue I am having, they had to heap lots and lots of cheese. Yesterday's lunch was pretty much cheese with a side of lettuce. I can't tell you how hard I squirmed in my seat. Today's lunch was better (but this was after a cheesy breakfast--I just don't understand!), but it was still cheesy. Oy, the pain! All I could think of was the above scene from the movie French Kiss. That is exactly what it is like and I was quite concerned I was going to have to return to the hotel. Fortunately ibuprofen and naprosyn usually help and today I called on both of them. Ugh. NO MORE CHEESE. I guess I will be eating Japanese or Chinese food whenever I can.

Otherwise things are fine. I did discover that Texas has these nasty little biting ants no bigger than a fleck of dust. Wow, did that bugger sting.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should start selling my rain-giving services to people. Every time I visit Dallas they start having terrible thunder storms and tornadoes. Evidently they have been in a drought--less than 12 hours after arriving it starts to storm and the locals are happy. The same thing happened a couple of weeks ago in Georgia. They've had a nasty drought the past year or so. I arrive and within 12 hours they start having torrential rains. Hmmm...I may need to take my little act on the road.

Fun with Caffeine

I'm caffeine sensitive. Honestly, get two Cokes in me and I act like a drunk college girl, just without the nudity. So yesterday I'm slamming Diet Cokes down because I have a hard time sitting still for 8 hours concentrating on a lecture about programming, when it hits me...a Diet Coke buzz! Seriously, it was crazy. It hit in the afternoon and although I was tired, I felt like I was going to start crawling out of my skin. I contemplated getting up and pacing the halls, but I was a little concerned that was a one-way ticket to a 72 hour mental eval hold at the local hospital (considering EVERYONE in the classroom, including the instructor, are or were ED nurses it seemed like a bad idea). So today I am loaded up on cheese (oy, my poor belly), sugar and Diet Coke. Not sure what the day will hold, but I'm betting it will be exciting!

Thankful

I know I've been a bit irritable lately, but I have not been so far gone that I am not thankful for the people and things in my life.  Between the "waiting-for-a-referral" exhaustion prior to September 1st and all the on-call and over time at work I'd become rather out of sorts.  Definitely not feeling like me.  The past couple of days have been better and I am struck by the beauty of small things.  And little events.  And people's un-ending generosity in times of need--whether physical or emotional support.  Today I was driving down the road with my windows and sunroof open feeling the warmish cool breeze on my skin and I realized it has been ages since I have felt this way.  Free again.  And I know I am in the midst of transition and it doesn't scare me or worry me like it normally would.  Instead, I was able to enjoy the moment and appreciate that although this moment won't last long, neither will the difficult ones.  While I am often anxious to move forward with the next big thing in life, I have become so aware of late that I need to appreciate this moment.  Now.  Life changes and sometimes these changes are desired and sometimes they aren't.  Even when it is something that I want, there are often ripple effects throughout other parts of my life.  That being said, here are the highlights of what I am appreciating right now:

• It is fall, glorious fall!  I love the way the temperature changes.  I might be freezing as I go to work in the morning, but as the sun begins to spread across the horizon it warms the earth and everything on it.  Glorious!
• The feeling of motion.  There have been times when I have been so out of tune with my body that my limbs didn't seem to work together.  As I was walking the gym track this week I reveled in the fact my body is moving together and going faster than I have in years.  Just the feeling of my heels hitting the pavement brought such joy to me, especially as I remembered times when I couldn't find this place.
• Health.  Over the past couple of weeks a number of my co-workers have been out of work for the week due to strep infections or kidney stones or kidney infections.  While I struggle with allergy related issues, it is exceedingly rare for me to be sick enough to take a day off, let alone a week.  I am thankful everyday that I wake up and am able to draw a full breath. 
• Family.  I've alluded to some family rifts that have been a major stressor for me over the last few months.  It has been exceptionally painful to have to go down that too familiar road again.  I think some of that is resolving and I am so grateful.
• My friends.  While I may appear to be overly open on here, there is a lot that I don't share.  It has always been difficult for me to be completely open and raw which is why I tend to only place my heart in the hands of a few.  These two have seen me at my best and my worst.  They have celebrated with me during the good and hugged me listened during the ugly.  My life would not be nearly as rich without them in it.
• The supportive community of bloggers that I have gotten to know over the last year or two.  Your advice and your support has been very needed and appreciated.  Thank you.
• The beauty of an early morning sunrise or late sunset.  Sometimes the beauty catches me off guard as I am not expecting to see the dazzle of God's paint brush.  Most times I am glad for that interruption because it seems to stop whatever else was mulling through my brain.  Each time I see a breath taking sunset I am reminded that life is more than what I see, what I feel, what I hear, or what I smell. 
• Thinking of my children, wherever they may be.  Every time I see a full moon I wonder about them and their birth families.  I wonder if they will be seeing the same full moon that I see and if it fills them with the same sense of wonderment.
• Gifts--the kinds that don't come in boxes.  After a very difficult year it was especially sweet to receive two gifts close to each other.  Sometimes they come along just when you need them.
• The small moments.  As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I had one of those moments while riding down the road today.  It was just too perfect--good breeze, sun, windows down, good song on the radio and no traffic.  Even though I am not an outdoorsy kind of girl, it seems that it is when I am outdoors that I find those little moments of absolute joy. 

Have a joyous weekend!