Monday, November 12, 2007

My Story

This blog is dedicated to my son in Vietnam. He has felt so much a part of me for so long that it seems strange that he isn't sitting next to me as I write or sleeping soundly in the next room. How strange it is to wait for a child!

I have started a journal for him, but I admit that blogging is a much better avenue for me to express my feelings about my son and adoption in general.

It seems only appropriate to start from the beginning, doesn't it? Haven's story started a long time ago. From an early age I knew that I would adopt my children and I knew they would come from Asia. It's hard to describe how these things are imprinted on children, but somehow I think God uses the young, those that have not felt failure or fear. Children have faith--faith in their parents, faith in their teachers and they believe everything they hear even if it doesn't make sense.

Just over a year ago I felt God calling in his promise. Even though I was single and had always been quite determined to be married before having babies, I couldn't shake the repeated dreams of a little girl and little boy. I felt God calling me to adopt a daughter from China and in a miracle of all miracles, he opened all the right doors at all the right times and I was able to 1) be accepted by a good adoption agency and 2) make the deadline before China closed the door to singles. I admit that I cried last December as I read the CCAA's new regulations for adoptive parents. I knew then that my little boy was not coming from China. But somewhere deep within I felt strongly that there was a son who needed me as his mother. I don't know how to describe the feeling...I suppose it is one that you know when it hits you.

I completed the paperwork for my China baby, but I couldn't shake the feeling that Haven was out there somewhere. It nagged at me and broke my heart. I named him shortly after I named my daughter. Every few months I would start to hit the Vietnam adoption agency websites. I sent off for packet after packet of information. I emailed other parents that had recently adopted from Vietnam and asked about their agencies. I read every article I could about Vietnam adoptions and when my Adoption Today magazine showed up in April dedicated to Vietnam adoptions, my heart melted looking at all the little boys that needed mamas.

I had gently mentioned it to my parents to a lukewarm reception initially. One day my mom was visiting and I opened an email from an agency that included info on their Vietnam program AND they included a picture of a little boy no older than 4. I'm not sure what it was about that photo, but after that my mom had a change of heart and my dad began discussing going to Vietnam with me when I went to get my son.

I admit, I didn't tell many people what was going on inside. I felt blessed to be chosen to be a mother to my daughter, it seemed selfish to ask for more. Last November in the middle of my paperchase, I planted a tree for my daughter. This summer I planted a red Japanese maple and named it for my son. This summer I shopped with a girlfriend that is also adopting from China. We were buying all kinds of little girl clothes, but I admit, I snuck in a little boy outfit. I've had it sitting next to my bed all these months. The hope for a son didn't wane, even after I finally tucked his outfit next to my shirts several weeks ago.

The last few weeks I have not slept well, I have been out of sorts and even turned my head when chocolate was offered. That's a bad sign! Last Sunday, November 4th, the feeling became so intense--it reminded me of the constant God nagging I felt before I finally agreed to begin the adoption process for my daughter. I went to church that morning and I prayed during the song service. I prayed for a sign. Something, anything that would give me some indication of what to do. By now you may be wondering why I just didn't do it already, well, I had some good reasons not to. 1) It is very costly to adopt one child, let alone two 2) I'M SINGLE, but more importantly 3) China didn't allow it. They were against concurrent adoptions and/or pregnancies and that was reason to dismiss your dossier. I couldn't and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my daughter coming home. That would have broken my heart and crushed me in a way I can't describe.

Ok, back to Sunday. During the church service, my pastor had a guest missionary in to discuss refugee missions all over the world. He mentioned that Vietnam was one of the countries responsible for producing the most refugees in the past year. My ears perked up. Was that a sign? I wasn't convinced. I went home and cruised my favorite recipe site for some stew recipes. For some strange reason Vietnamese stew recipes kept coming up. What the heck? I've never even heard of Vietnamese stew before. Not convinced, no way. I went to the gym in the hopes of wearing down some of my agitation. My walked/ellipticalled my way through 5 miles and felt no better. Until I got home. I checked my e-mail and waiting in my inbox was a message from Kristen reporting that the CCAA was now allowing concurrent adoptions and/or pregnancies while families waited to be matched with families. Now there is a sign!

I called my mom feeling a bit freaked out and realizing that was probably my sign. I thought she would be my voice of reason and talk me out of this crazy idea. But she didn't. She bounced my thoughts back off of me and I realized my biggest obstacle was going to be paying for it. I also realized that it was very likely that I would have non-bio twins on my hands! I called Kristen and she said the same thing---go for it!!! I emailed the agency I was interested in (since June!) and I wanted to clarify some things, including referral times. Evidently this agency is referring boys in 5 months or less from the time a dossier is sent! Oh my goodness! That would give me a year home with him before going to China for my daughter. I quickly asked for the rep to send me an information packet and I promptly emailed my home study agency to find out what their stance was on it. I'm actually still waiting on that. I got an unsolicited email from my China agency saying I was clear to adopt while I waited my daughter. I even talked to my pastor about it, who I thought was rather negative about the first adoption. Even he was actually encouraging and he prayed that I would have the strength to make the right decision. Wow, everything is coming together. I should hear from my social worker tomorrow and I hope to hear from the Vietnam agency by the end of the week. Every day that passes I feel more secure with my decision.

I can look back at the last 1-2 years and now I am able to see clearly the plan that was set in motion before I knew of it. When I bought my house, a 3bedroom 2 bath, I said "if I buy it, they will come." I am not sure exactly how I knew that. I bought the paint for my son's room at the same time I bought the paint for my daughter's room. I even had the layout of his room figured out at or before my daughter's.

At some point I will probably merge this blog with the blog dedicated to my daughter, but for now, since nothing is official and my friends and family do not know, I am going to keep them separate.


Kristen November 13, 2007 at 8:55 PM  

I can't wait to meet you little Haven! I'm so excited for you!!


About This Blog

This started as my story, but has evolved to OUR story. This is the story of life as a single parent to a wonderful little boy while we wait for baby sister. China LID 2.12.07.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day.
Habakkuk 2:3

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