Meant to be?

Have you ever had that sense that things are meant to be?  You know what I am talking about...getting stuck behind a slowish vehicle and getting ready to pass only to learn that a cop is coming your direction.  Losing your job to find one that you enjoy just as much or more.  Both of these things have happened to me and I can remember feeling quite irritated being stuck behind that truck when what I really wanted to do was drive fast and get where I was going.  Losing my job last summer was a traumatic experience, but the truth was, I was ready for a change.  While this job does not pay as well, it has other perks. 

Yesterday when I learned that CIS would be delayed and I wouldn't receive my 171H for nearly 2 weeks, I didn't even flinch.  I had this deep sense that this is the way it was supposed to be.  I hear families talking about how the child they received was truly meant to be a part of their family.  On some level I have always thought that was a bunch of horse crap, but on another level, I wondered if there was some validity to the statement.  For whatever reason, I have not felt the overwhelming sense of anxiety, fearfulness and excitement that I had when I first began this process.  A lot has to do with what happened in January.  There was a real sense of healing and peace that followed in the week or so after that heartbreak that has carried me through learning I had another two week wait. 

My agency director emailed today to check on the status of my other paperwork and said he really wanted to make sure things were done correctly so I wouldn't have any further delays.  He said the wait list was moving quickly and he wanted to get me on it before others sign in.  He isn't kidding, they had a boatload of referrals last week (ok, to clarify a boatload of referrals doesn't really have to be many for a woman who has sat in a line that was barely budged for the past 12+ months).  After all the pain and heartache through the month of January, this is music to my ears.  My mother, my faithful rock, has said repeatedly even when I tried to correct her that I would have Haven this year.  Maybe she knows something I don't. 

I sent an email thanking the CIS officer for updating me on my 171H status.  Surprisingly, she emailed back and thanked me for understanding. She then signed it with just her first name (instead of last name and title). 

It was a nice touch and I appreciated it, but as my mother pointed out, she might actually get more done if she wasn't responding to emails!  Personally, after all the ignored emails I've had throughout this process, I'm quite grateful for the smallest bit of courtesy.  Thanks, Ms. CIS officer!

Time to stop obsessing...I'm going to work!  Catch you on the night side of life. 

171H update

No, it isn't here which is why I contacted the local CIS office.  Within two hours I had a reply (thank God!):

I have your file in my stack to work.  The usual officer went out on emergency medical leave a few weeks ago and I had to jump in so there is a longer delay than usual on the processing.  I will get to your application as soon as possible, I am working on them in the order that they were received and I have about 5 or 6 applications ahead of yours.  I hope to get to yours early next week so long as nothing pressing pops up in the meantime.

So there you have it...the reason for my delay.  It's helpful to at least know what is going on.  Best guess is I will be submitting my dossier somewhere around March 10th. 

I'm starting to feeling nervous/excited again.  I had emailed my agency to find out how they wanted things notarized and after not hearing anything for a couple of days, I finally decided to notarize the way my China agency required.  So, I spent this afternoon getting notarized only to find an email from the agency when I got home specifying another approach.  Oh brother.  So, it looks like I will have to re-do a couple of documents.  I hate to go back to my friend's mom for notarization because her hands are bad, but unless my other friend gets her notary in the meantime, I'm not sure what else to do.  I guess there is always the bank...

A conversation with my mother

I have mentioned here before that I plan on getting a tattoo to celebrate my son.  I did the same for my daughter and after a lot of thought I came up with something that represents Vietnam and what would blend nicely with the tattoo I already have. 

For whatever reason, I always feel closer to my grandma when going through the adoption process.  I think it is something that she would have approved and supported and I think of all the sacrifices she made for her own children.  When I think of my grandmother I remember the costume jewelry that she had in her jewelry box.  As a kid, that was the first place I went to play.  The pieces I remember most are her dragonfly pins.  I'm sure they were quite tacky, but I would have loved to have inherited them when she died.  Unfortunately, I think my aunts pitched anything without monetary value.  Kris and I have mentioned getting tattoos together and I think I found a dragonfly that best represents her. 

So I had a fact-finding coversation with my mother that sounded something like this:

Me:  What was grandma's favorite color?

Mom: Red.  But women of that time weren't supposed to wear red.  When she was older she started wearing red.  Why do you ask?

Me:  Well, I was thinking of getting a little dragonfly tattoo in memory of her.  When I think of her that is what I always remember most.

Mom:  What kind of tattoo are you going to get for me?  What represents me?

 

Ok, not exactly the response I was expecting.  I thought she would try to talk me out of it, but instead she wanted to know what most represents her.  That is a hard question to answer.  I only had my grandma, her mother, for a few years before Alzheimer's robbed her of her memories.  I've had my mother for my lifetime and there are so many memories.  I'm not sure that any one thing makes me think of my mother.  I remember the smell of her favorite perfume, I think of her strength in the face of adversity, and I think of her un-ending support.  She has supported me and every "wacky" idea I have had.  I guess in that sense, she made the stars in the sky seem attainable and not so far away.  Perhaps this is her legacy.  

Just what I needed

Ok, maybe it wasn't the one thing I wanted, but I did get what I needed this weekend...isn't that a Stones song?  The 171H did NOT arrive like it was supposed to this weekend so I am keeping tabs on Tracy's blog hoping that once she hears, I'll hear.  I know it doesn't work that way, but humor me. 

The part where I got what I needed came in the form of my good friend, and probably closest girl friend, Kris.  She has been an awesome friend, incredibly supportive of both my China adoption AND Haven's adoption.  She is also the reason I haven't blogged the past few days (although I would have let you all know if I had received my 171H!).  We actually stayed away from the computer all weekend and only checked email briefly Saturday night. 

We had an awesome time (well, I had an awesome time--you'll have to stay tuned to Kris' blog for her opinion).  She arrived Thursday evening/Friday morning during a hateful winter storm that was just spitting ice.  Friday morning after we got up and started our day we wondered if it was a good idea to even attempt getting out, but I am glad we did.  We shopped locally and learned that a local woman designs baby carriers.  She has two different styles, but I really preferred the sling method and she evidently will custom make them so I can choose any fabric I want.  Kristen has some photos of me modeling the sling complete with baby doll.  I'll try to post them once she sends them to me. 

Saturday we spent the day in her state capitol and she got to meet the rest of my immediate family.  Wow, I really should have warned her!  We also did a lot of shopping--well we shopped and I bought.  I did find matching pink and blue piggy banks that I bought for the kids and an adorable red shirt that says "single and loving it".  Depending on how much space my kids have between birthdays, they will definitely be wearing that shirt.  Mama may have to find one for herself. 

Yesterday was a short day together.  We met Kelli for brunch here in town at one of our quaint little restaurants.  It is good to spend time with those that understand the process.  I almost feel like we need our very own supportive group and at my last FCC gathering the other single mom in the group did mention she is trying to get one together.    Our needs and concerns are different than married couples--not necessarily more difficult, just different.

The only bad part of the weekend is when I did a slip 'n slide on my front stoop yesterday morning.  I took one step and the next thing I know my feet are above my head and I'm flat on cement.  I'm bruised and I may have popped a rib.  It hurts when I take a deep breath and is very tender.  My left shoulder and both hips are also really sore.  I think this gives me a really good excuse to just sit and watch the new show that Kris got my hooked on.  No kidding...after she left yesterday I sat and watched an additional 8 or 9 episodes.  Yikes. 

My goal today is to get all the documents I have right now notarized.  I'm hoping the one I want is just around the corner. 

...well, if that isn't a kick in the pants

Gonna keep it short and simple--I'm supposed to be cleaning house beofre Kris arrives in a few hours.

• No 171H in the mail today.  Keeping my fingers crossed that it will still arrive tomorrow afternoon. Tracey, have you gotten yours yet?
• Second kick in the pants: I ordered my new camera on Monday, but it still hasn't shipped from the warehouse.  What the heck?  It was only supposed to take 3-5 days, but now they are telling me it is delayed indefinitely.  Here's the real kicker--as I was cleaning up my office (the spare room that Kris is staying in) I lovingly looked at my old camera one last night.  And just for kicks and giggles, I thought I would try to get it to work.  Well, folks, the darn thing not only turned on, but it retracted the zoom lens that has been sticking out for the last 3-4 weeks.  Go figure. I even test fired a couple of shots.

So there you have it, all my updated in a heart beat.

Using the baby card

I have finally used the adoption/baby card.  For whatever reason, the State Troopers love calling my house even though I have never donated.  They have called 3 times today before I finally answered and twice yesterday.  It's really harassment. 

The nice gentleman began his spiel and I told him that I would not be able to donate this year (or tomorrow, or the day after) because I am in the process of adopting a child.  He then proceeded to ask if I would like to donate a small gift of $10.  I told him that every little penny that my little fingers find, goes right into the adoption fund.  I finished with "I need to find $30,000 this year on a nurse's salary."  He finished with a God bless you, ma'am and got off the phone. 

This weekend I received an e-mail from a woman and her husband soliciting funds for their third adoption.  I don't know this couple.  I have never met them.  Never spoken to them.  I have never even e-mailed them before.  I finally found out how she got my e-mail (it was addressed to an old e-mail address).  Evidently she was a member for a China adopt yahoo group that I used to follow last year.  I'm no longer a member, but she decided to contact me anyway! 

Please understand, I'm not against fund raising, I really am not.  If I know for sure that Haven's adoption will go through I will likely inform my church and see what creative things they might be able to suggest for fund raising.  I've never been good at those things and will certainly never be able to toot my own horn.  A year ago I was terribly sick with pneumonia and was so short of breath that I struggled to even get to the bathroom (my solution was to not drink fluids so I wouldn't have to get up, which only exacerbated the pneumonia--it sucks to live alone).  Did I ask for help?  Not a chance.  Thank God one of my friends came over to check on me, get me groceries and bring me his leftovers.  If not for him and my mother I'm not sure what my outcome would have been. 

Money is a huge concern for me.  Right now I am debating whether I should rent a ~ $5.00 movie.  It seems like such a small thing, but every dollar I spend is one less that goes towards getting my kids home.  And in light of my camera purchase earlier this week, I'm even more cautious.  So I guess the point of this rambling bit is this, unless I owe you money...DON'T ASK FOR MONEY.  Otherwise, I'm going to pull the adoption card out and if pushed, the single mom card.  Oh, yeah, I got two card!

Poor impulse control

Ok, I admit it.  I've been so tight about money lately (yeah, a little thing called adoption has been sucking it up) and  I think the pressure is getting to me.  Anyway, I just bought a camera online!  Hopefully it will arrive in the next few days and I will be joining the rest of the photo world.  Hopefully I will have more than snow to take photos of. 

Best laid plans

Well, I have decided that USCIS is going to send me the correct 171H this week.  Why this week?  Because it's too perfect not to send it.  I have Friday off because my good friend, my adoption and bloggy buddy Kris is coming for a visit.  I think it should arrive Thursday so that we can go to the capitol city the following day for authentications.  We, of course, have to get some Vietnamese food and do a little baby shopping...what's wrong with that?  And in the event that they "forget" and don't send it out until next week, well, I've got that covered too.  We have a project going live next week and since I'm the resident expert (say it with a question in your voice) I will be working like a dog next week.  As a result of the long hours, I will have all day Monday off and most of the day Wednesday.  So, you see, the USCIS has to send me my documents in the next 7 days.  It's just that simple. 

Camera update.  A big fat thank you to everyone who left a note about your personal experience.  Very much appreciated!  I've had a tough evening deciding what to do...I looked at all the models that were mentioned including some others...why don't they just make one perfect camera so that the decision isn't so hard?  I think I'm going to purchase one soon and at that point you might actually see some photos on this blog.  Wow, how trendy and mainstream is that?  I guess I will let the photos speak for themselves.

Candid camera...talk, that is

Ok, so my Kodak died a couple of weeks ago and go to where ever bad cameras go when they die.  It's been suggested that Canon is a good brand to buy and I have reviewed the Consumer Reports Buying Guide for this year and several of the top 5 recommended are Canons.  I haven't actually had a chance to try one of the camera recommended, but I can already feel myself obsessing over it.  Any of you like that?  Gotta have it even if you haven't seen it or played with it?  If you are a prospective or adoptive parent and answer "no" I think you are lying!  I think you have to be a bit obsessed to complete an adoption.  Anyway, I want a good camera that will get me through not one, but two overseas ventures.  I'm eyeballing the Canon Powershot A710 IS so if you have one or if you have another camera you want to recommend, I want to hear from you!  My biggest concern is that it take fast photos.  It took forever for my Kodak to capture an image and even longer to store it before being able to take the next shot.  That's not going to work when I have kids!

She's a beaut, right?  I think I'm going to call her Susie...

The Book Meme

Ok, I was just tagged by Jennifer.  Jennifer has an awesome blog that I love to read.  Please check it out.  Unlike my blithering blog full of whining, Jennifer actually focuses on real issues. 

The Book Meme.
The rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence.
4. Post the next 3 sentences.
5. Tag 5 more people.

Ok, so my desk is actually in my study and I'm in the process of sorting and getting rid of a lot of books (I know, it's painful to think about, isn't it?).  So you have a couple of options, I could read a page about Spanish verbs conjugations (why does that word sound so dirty?), a page from a text about Shamanism, or I can go with my long, since lost, love of suspenseful fiction.  I think fiction is the place to go:

She pulled a tissue from a pocket and dabbed her eyes.  "I found her one morning out in front.  This was right after Emily...I just assumed the poor thing died of a broken heart." 

That's from the Patricia Cornwell novel "The Body Farm".  On a personal note, I'd like to add that I have been there.  It's an incredible research area that studies decomp and as an anthropology major that is very important!  If I had continued on to an MS or PhD, I would have studied at the affiliated university.  But life took me on another journey...

And I want to nominate:

Kris

Shasta

Kelli

Lina

Heather

Ok, please let me know what you think of the design

Ok, this is a work in progress, but I need your feedback. If it's ok, no need to say anything, but if the yellow doesn't work or you feel as if your eyeballs are seizing everytime you visit my blog, LET ME KNOW.

Thanks,
Erica

Bear with me...

I have just learned how to pimp blogs so until I get it "right" you guys will be forced to look at some strangely bright colors! Right now....too much yellow. Stay tuned.

Super Nanny

I just watched a few minutes of Super Nanny on ABC and I have to say, that mom really scared me! I have never seen any parent so emotionless or so relectant to touch her child. I didn't see it all so I don't know the woman's history, but from what I observed it wouldn't surprise me if she may have had some issues from her own childhood. How sad that a parent can't hug or kiss her child? How sad that she was afraid to tell her kids that they did a good job.

I've already researched ways that I can encourage attachment between my children and me and positive touch is one of the most important things mentioned. It is the simplest and very effective. It's close to bedtime or I would post some articles on how to do that. There are some really good books out there about attachment and as much as I try to avoid her website, the Rumor Queen (google it and you'll find her site) has a list of books that I think are necessary for any adoptive parent as they address attachment and attachment disorder, sensory issues and other concerns.

News, News, it's all over the news

No news on the personal adoption front, but maybe that is a good thing. I'm out of town on business so even if I wanted to compulsively check the mailbox IT ISN'T PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. I wish I could get away from the whole adoption thing for a week, but it never works that way. For some strange reason, every time I travel on business there are always articles in the USA Today or other major papers about adoption.

Today, adoption news was on the front and third pages of the paper. The front page article was "Fewer foreign children adopted". It's true, anybody who knows anything about adoption would say that. The slow down in China, the threat of Vietnam shutting down (which I pray is resolved soon--it really appears to be battle of wills with DOS and....Vietnam? I'm not really sure), the US discouraging adoptions from Guatemala...well, I could keep going but I don't want to bring anyone down. My hope is that my blog will remain optimistic and hopeful even when things seem dire. Adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents are stuck in the middle of this, but the children are the ones that truly lose out.

The second article focused on the increase in domestic adoptions and foster care. This is good, but it isn't an option for everyone. As a single person, there are very few birth mothers that are going to choose me to be the parent to their child. I don't blame birth moms for this at all. Honestly, it's not always an issue of having a two-parent household as much as it is having the additional income. If you adopt from foster care, you don't have the option of adopting an infant and you don't always know that the child you fall in love with won't be sent back to the birth parent, regardless of how horrible the home situation is. It truly depends on the state you live in, their laws, and the sensitivity of their Child Protective Services agency.

While it is great that more in the US are becoming foster parents or adoptive parents, what about the 143 million children worldwide that will never be adopted or have families of their own? What becomes of them? These are the questions that keep me awake at night. I pray for those that are put out on the street once they hit their teens. I know that the life they face will not be easy. At least the children in our own country are not living in poor orphanages. They are living with foster parents who, for the most part, love them with everything they have.

My heart breaks for those children that don't get one-on-one love and attention from someone that loves them. Sorry, I really want to keep it light here, but my heart has been heavy and it bothers me that our government is making it more difficult for these children to find families. I pray that we don't forget about the orphans.

Vietnam, we have a problem Part II

This is the email I received today from another officer within the USCIS office:

This is nothing to be concerned about, it is just a general reference for the fingerprint people to know that it is an orphan-related petition.  We will be sure to issue you the appropriate notice associated with the I-600A.

I think I will only feel relieved when I receive my 171H.  This is not the same form I got last year. I don't think they know what they are talking about most of the time.  If they were half as diligent as a dossier-prepping parent, this would be a whole different government.

I did want to talk about yesterday's visit for my fingerprints.  I actually had a great time.  It was packed!  Last year it was just me and a couple of Mexicans.  This year most of the seats were taken.  I was the only white person and probably the only American born in the waiting room.  I was getting stared at quite a bit and some started asking me where I was from.  I know some people feel uncomfortable in those situations, but I think it is good for people, especially adoptive parents, to experience something different.  For many of our children, this will be their future. A dark face in a sea of paleness. 

Once they realized I was homegrown, they started asking if I could explain their paperwork to them.  It was fun!  I got to help Jesus and Jorge get in the right line (there are several, you know).  There was an East Indian mom and daughter that were were rather fun.  Once you present yourself and your paperwork to the correct line, they give you a form to fill out: ht/wt, eye/hair color, DOB, SS#, etc.  The Indians were laughing over the eye/hair color question--in that room, there were no blondes or redheads, only dark hair and eyes. 

I think I have posted this quote by Isabella Rossellini before, but I love it: 

Biological children bring the magic of your own genes, but adoption has the dimension of connection--not only to your own tribe but beyond, widening the scope of what constitutes love, ties, and family. It is a larger embrace. If more people adopted, we would stretch past our immediate circles and, by reaching out, find an unexpected sense of belonging with others.

Vietnam...we have a problem

So I was feeling all fly today dressed in my best duds and feeling good about getting on track with this adoption....until my drive home from my big appointment when my mind suddenly caught and retrieved something the fingerprint tech said.

Let me set the stage...she was reviewing my information: ht/wt, eye/hair color, address, full name and SS3 and she says:

Her: You are having an I600 today.

Me: A.  I'm having an 1600A.

Yeah, that's what came back and smacked me in the back of the head as I was driving the 1+ hour back home.  I quickly pulled out my biometrics appointment letter and in the upper left hand corner in small print it says I600 Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative.  How the heck did they do that?!?  I haven't been matched, I haven't sent them any information on a child...how the HELL did they file an I600 on me? 

Just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind over nothing, I double checked my daughter's biometrics appointment letter from last year and it says I600A. 

Oh, crap.  So, I think I am back to square one.  I already emailed the lady that oversees the local USCIS field office, but I don't expect to hear anything until tomorrow at the earliest.  I called my agency and left a message, but haven't heard anything.  I think I am going to contact my state senators tomorrow if I don't hear anything by tomorrow afternoon.  I'm out of town all next week so I won't be able to do anything on my end to fix it. 

I'm just so frustrated.  I'm not normally the kind of person that says "why me?", but I have only completed two dossiers and dealt with USCIS two times and they have majorly screwed up BOTH times.  Once is probably normal, but we are batting 100% right now and that seems rather unusual.  I'm not sure how much more time this is going to add to my wait before I can even submit my dossier. 

The only thing that is comforting me right now is the hope that maybe this is because there is one specific child God means for me.  Unlike my mother's suggestion, I do NOT take this as a sign to give up.  I don't give up...even though I know the chances of me now getting a referral before September 1st are nil.  When I started this process, I remember saying that this adoption would be an even bigger test of my faith.  I don't know how I knew that, but I did.  Last week my pastor was preaching from the book of Exodus (I'm horrible with names...I hope that's the right book) about Moses leading the people out of Egypt and out of slavery to the promised land.  They wandered in the desert for 40 years!  It was a trip that should have only taken 11 days, but it took 40 years.  Perhaps my journey is the same.  Yes, someday I will have my kids home, but it won't be at the time or the route I thought I was going to take. 

So, if you are the praying type and you have finished praying about orphans the world over, the children that are dying in China because of the blizzard, wars, famine, etc.--would you throw one in for me? 

It's finally here!

That's right, folks, I'm getting fingerprinted!  And I am ready.  I have been drinking lots of water, I have skipped doing dishes so I won't look so pruney (ok, I skip doing dishes a lot), I'm trying to keep my hands warm and hydrated, and I ate left overs so that I won't risk cutting myself.  I will have no fingerprint disasters tomorrow! 

I have to admit, I'm finally getting excited again.  I feel like I have had to protect my heart from getting hurt again so I have been approaching the whole process with a lot more trepidation.  No matter what, I am in for the long haul.  If I am going to wait 3-4 years for my daughter to come home, I will certainly wait however long it takes to have the MOU re-signed. 

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year and Tet.  Every year for the past couple of

of years, I have dressed up for CNY.  Please forgive my ignorance of Tet traditions for the time being, I'm still learning.  I have had the upper hand on Chinese culture due to some extended family that lives in Hong Kong and a number of Chinese friends here.  Dressing up is just a way of remembering my connections and celebrating with friends and family. 

Happy Year of the Rat Everybody!  May this year bring many blessings and draw families close!   

Strange Dreams

About a week after my January 15th meltdown (yep, the date is marked on my calendar as a bad day) I dreamed of my son for the first time.  It was such a sweet dream.  In it, we were in Vietnam and I assume I must have been picking him up to come home.  We traveled the country, the two of us, with him cradled in his sling across my chest.  I just remember this incredible sensation of feeling the weight of him against my chest and the feel of his skin against my skin that just made my day.  It was almost as if the dream was his way of saying "don't forget about me Mom!  I'm here and I'm real no matter how bad things look." 

Last night I dreamed I had triplets.  Yeah, triplets.  The only way that would happen is is Vietnam referred twins and then my China girl came home.  Wow, that would be trippy!  On Wednesday, at a Bible study I was actually asking one of the moms (she has 2 year-old twin boys and a 4 month-old daughter) how she managed to fit 3 car seats in her vehicle.  Well, she had to trade her station wagon in for a mini-van.  Gasp!  I've always said I would never own a mini-van, but for the right reason I might...

It's no secret that the month of January kicked my butt.  Emotionally, it was not good.  I finally came to terms with the fact that my daughter won't be coming home this year either, and I had to face and realize that my son will not likely be coming home this year either, even if the US-Vietnam negotiate a new adoption agreement.  It's been a hard month and I am glad to see it gone.  I have also argued with myself whether it was a good idea to start the adoption first in China and then Vietnam. If I had started with Vietnam, I would have a child home right now.  But if I hadn't started with China, I would never have the opportunity to adopt from there again. At some point during the last week, I had an ah-ha moment.  I have felt that God put adoption on my heart since I was 8 years old.  I have also felt that God refocused adoption in my life when I was supposed to see it.  Many people will find this hard to believe, but I was absolutely against adopting as a single parent.  Nothing against those that do, but I just didn't think I had it in me.  I especially didn't think I could adopt two!  But look at me now, doing precisely that.  This whole process over the last month has made me miserable and I realized last week that it isn't supposed to be.  Adoption should be a blessing--God's blessing to me.  He is the one who put this on my heart when I was very much opposed, and He can carry it the rest of the way forward.  I've turned my blessing into a curse, and it's time to stop.  Yes, there are going to be bumps and yes, there are times when it appears (or feels like to me) that everyone else has it easier.  But my journey is different than theirs.  For whatever reason, I have felt so much more peace this past week as I realized that I am not responsible for the timing for everything and that every little worry gets me nowhere.  Let the big guy worry about the details and the big picture.  I'm going out and I'm having to have fun. 

Just call me before the kids come home.