Raw

I'm still a bit raw and strangely numb about this week.  There is a part of me that wants to emotionally separate myself from this whole mess and pretend that everything is status quo, but I still feel achy.  I want to think that I'm not the one going through it--that I am experiencing it second hand from someone else's blog, that that isn't true.  The strange thing is that I have been projecting this gaggy super-happy persona every time I leave my home.  I'm the life of the party every time I leave the house, but it is different when I get home. 

At the same time, I feel myself beginning to hope again.  I hope that I will receive my fingerprint appointment in the mail.  I hope that they process my 171H and I am able to submit my dossier by the end of February.  Right now the list is 20 people deep with more being added each week.  I hope that I am not over #25 by the time I submit.  I hope that things speed up and that the new orphanage they are supposed to begin working with starts sending referrals.  Most of all I hope that Vietnam and the US reach a new agreement in September and that the US does not close down referrals again.  At this point, it is the US officials that are causing the slow-downs in VN right now, not the Vietnamese officials.  It is the US pressing the VN for more processes to give the appearance of a transparent adoption process.  While I understand the need to make sure that nothing unethical is going on, has anyone looked into the transparency of other countries?  I'm just curious how VN ranks against all the other countries that are currently open. 

I woke up feeling kind of crappy today.  I decided to cancel my appointments for the day and stay in.  I haven't cleaned, washed dishes, done any laundry or paid any pills this week.  I just didn't have the energy for it.  There is a good chance I might smell a bit foul, so I will need to take care of that too.  I guess this is the other side of grief/disappointment?  There were so many hopes and desires I've had for my life and I find myself still waiting for those things to happen.  I have done my best to make my dreams come true, but I am not the one ultimately in charge.